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Thread: How to be an iBurst Employee

  1. #1

    Default How to be an iBurst Employee

    Lets get stuck in then.

    To be a successful iBurst employee you need to learn how respond to clients. Below I will detail a few specifics that you can use to bull**** people, keep them in the dark and generally hide your own incompetence.

    Blame it on Upstream

    Blaming your Upstream is a great way to avoid addressing any issues. You can even go so far as to make yourself look like the victim here and elicit support from some the denser forum users. This works for the simple reason that people feel sorry for you and most people are pretty ****ing clueless about what exactly a "Problem with the Upstream" entails.

    Blame it on the Service/Game/International 3rd Party/Routing

    Another great way to deter people. Blaming external factors, ignoring the fact that international 3rd Parties such as Blizzard entertainment, international web servers and international routing are insanely well made and maintained, forces people to bitch somewhere else for a few minutes buying you precious time to think up an even better excuse or pretend to do something.

    Blame your Carrier

    Cable breaks happen all the time, well actually they don't but by telling people the problem is related to a cable break means you can hide away from accepting you ****ed something up. If you lie and tell people that the cable break is international you can buy even more time despite the fact the cable break is probably fixed within 24 hours of it happening. This works because you externalize the blame and make yourself look like you're the victim once again getting some much needed sympathy from some of the more prominent mouth-breathers that occupy this forum.


    Now we move onto marketing new products. An important part of a business is making new products, promoting them and pushing them off to consumers. We'll cover 3 examples used recently.

    Tricking Old People

    Does granny have a modem and wants to get back on? Trick the **** out of her and make her pay R250 per gig of data she uses. This is great because old people are slowly losing their minds anyway so duping them is easy. You also get to line your pockets quite well at the expense of other people's stupidity.

    Selling new Modems

    So we have a bunch of 2MB modems we wanna sell, how will we encourage people to buy them? Easy, make the 1MB modem service absolute ****ing ****. This way in order to attain decent service levels again people will be forced to upgrade thus further lining your pockets. Anyone with half a brain will run a mile away or ask questions but the old people you tricked earlier won't.

    Pretend to speak to Product

    If people think their suggestions are being put forward they will become happy. This doesn't even need to be a lie, you can put forward user suggestions, putting them forward into a paper-shredder is still putting them forward. You can then release a pile of horse **** as a product.
    Last edited by Odom; 28-08-2009 at 03:15 PM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member razer1980's Avatar
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    Seriously dude, I think you've got problems.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by razer1980 View Post
    Seriously dude, I think you've got problems.
    He knows that... pretty obvious... he is still with iBurst!

  4. #4
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    LMAO @ "Pretend to speak to Product"


    -

    Yeah Sure! Keep your ideas coming guys, these are great! i'm sending them to product right this moment

    Regards
    /continues playing solitaire

  5. #5
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    LMAO

  6. #6
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    How many "Upstream" issues have we had in the last couple of months?
    WoW guys?

  7. #7

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    Think of a number, add 9000 to that number.

    That many.

  8. #8

  9. #9
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    And definitely do not subtract the number you first thought of.

  10. #10
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    Product : People are leaving us???

  11. #11

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    I almost wish this was stickied.....but even I can feel a little bad for Shaun working his ass off.....which sadly doesn't help much when the rest of the company don't match up to his competence.....
    Last edited by Basjohn; 29-08-2009 at 01:11 AM.
    ------------------------
    Supreme Plumbing Commander of Roughtoiletpaper.com

  12. #12
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    Product: If you build it they will come

  13. #13

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    LOL u know what this should be a poster on every street lamp post / prints out a few and i shall start handing them out so ppl can get training on being a iburst employee.. very well done

    gave me a few laughs.... even though all of what u say ontop here is true!

    oh and about the wow excuses ........ mmmm dont think there is enough space on this forum for the number

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