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Thread: Politics Todd Akin Claims Breastmilk Cures Homosexuality

  1. #1
    King of de Jungle Garyvdh's Avatar
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    Wink Politics Todd Akin Claims Breastmilk Cures Homosexuality

    [SATIRICAL ARTICLE!]

    http://dailycurrant.com/2012/08/26/t...homosexuality/

    Missouri U.S. senate candidate Todd Akin has stoked more outrage today by claiming that male homosexuality is a disease and that the medical establishment has found the cure.

    The Republican congressman, already under fire for his controversial comments regarding rape, told a reporter for Cape Giradeau's KBSI 23 News that "female breastmilk - when fed directly to an adult homosexual male daily for at least four weeks - has a 94% chance of permanently curing homosexual perversions."

    "Lesbians can be cured by drinking something else."

    Akin made the scientifically dubious statement during an interview that was supposed to mark the "rebirth" of his campaign to defeat incumbant U.S. senator Claire McCaskill.

    Akin was leading in the polls until August 19th when he told a local radio host that victims of "legitimate rape" could not become pregnant because "the female body has ways of shutting that whole thing down." In the wake of the ensuing controversey his 11 point lead in the polls has turned into a 10 point deficit, and obeservers have written off his chances at winning the seat.

    No Means No

    Facing certain defeat, all major figures in the Republican Party have called for Akin to stand aside and allow another candidate to run. The Republican Senatorial Campaign Committee and several important outside groups have also pulled funding for his bid.

    Despite the heavy pressure, Akin has refused to step aside saying he is in the race to win.

    In the interview Akin explained that he will never back down from his beliefs and he is excited to bring his unique brand of conservatism to the U.S. Senate.

    Ducking questions about his viability he proceeded to educate reporter Jeff Raskin on several issues very close to his heart including the global conspiracy to falsify the fossil record in the name of "radical Darwinism", and the plot to turn Michigan into the capital of a new Islamic States of America.

    Spray the Gay Away

    But the congressman really hit his stride when discussing homosexuality.

    "This may surprise you Jeff, but I don't think homosexuality is a choice. We evangelicals, we know that it's a disease. But the good news is - we have the cure."

    Akin then explained, "The National Institutes of Health has treated hundreds of young men through clinical trials at their headquarters in Maryland. They don't want the public to know because the secular liberal elites have succeeded in brainwashing the public into believing that homosexuality is a positive thing."

    "We now know how to purge men of sin and put them on a path towards god. Why can't every gay man in America have that knowledge? Just 4 weeks of live breastfeeding can cure them of their terrible suffering. Why aren't we talking about this?"

    Somewhat dumbfounded by the brazenness of Akin's pronouncement, the reporter then asked if this supposed treatment only worked on men.

    "Lesbians can be cured by drinking something else," Akin replied "I'll leave that one to your imagination."

    Claire McCaskill has issued a statement denouncing Akin's latest gaffe as "an outrageous and offensive pseudoscientific slander" and called on national Republicans to "respect the choice of Missourians" and allow Akin to continue his campaign.
    This is satire, but I would not be suprised at all!
    Last edited by Garyvdh; 28-08-2012 at 09:10 AM.

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    I am a cured homosexual since I was placed at my mother's tit after I was born

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    King of de Jungle Garyvdh's Avatar
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    This guy is such a nutjob, the scary thing about this is that even though it is a made up story (satire) people could totally see it being true of this guy.
    In fact, I first came across it when I saw it was being posted on FB as if it was a true story.

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    Super Grandmaster Picard's Avatar
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    What must lesbians drink to be cured. Semen?
    Quote Originally Posted by Nicodeamus View Post
    Aid is nothing more than taking money from poor people in rich countries and giving them to rich people in poor countries.

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    I think heterosexual men should be allowed access to boobs as a preventative measure

    "Todd For President" !!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Picard View Post
    What must lesbians drink to be cured. Semen?
    Bwhahahahaha

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    Garfield's Teddy Pooky's Avatar
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    Bitty

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    Super Grandmaster evilstebunny's Avatar
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    "We now know how to purge men of sin and put them on a path towards god. Why can't every gay man in America have that knowledge? Just 4 weeks of live breastfeeding can cure them of their terrible suffering. Why aren't we talking about this?"
    I thought the exposed breast contributed to the problem of sin, who knew we had it so wrong all this time? No wonder so many many many men find a kind of refuge in them, soft, inviting and forgiving as they are.

    The real problem is getting a gay man anyway in the vicinity of a woman's nipple, the ones I know will kick and scream to get away from the horror.

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    Super Grandmaster killadoob's Avatar
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    We should get a pole going for the gay folk.


    Were you breast fed or did you go straight to the bottle.

    Another thing gary, should this be in off topic? If it's not real why is it current news?

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by killadoob View Post
    We should get a pole going for the gay folk.


    Were you breast fed or did you go straight to the bottle.

    Another thing gary, should this be in off topic? If it's not real why is it current news?
    I'm guessing "pole" was intentional.
    I've made a huge mistake.

  11. #11
    Grandmaster VernD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tojo's racoon henchman View Post
    I'm guessing "pole" was intentional.
    And if you went on the bottle, you wouldn't be straight so what's with the straight to the bottle question?
    "The welfare of humanity is always the alibi of tyrants"-Albert Camus

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