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Thread: [Satire] Shark dies in horrific Tourist-Attack

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    Super Grandmaster Compton_effect's Avatar
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    Default [Satire] Shark dies in horrific Tourist-Attack

    Shark Killed by Tourist Bite in Costa Rica Causes Activist Outrage

    A dream surf vacation went tragically wrong for U.S. resident Andy Newberry last week when the Jersey Shore native mauled a bull shark in Costa Rican waters.

    In his first trip to Costa Rica, Newberry, an avid traveler and surfer, hit the Jaco Beach waves early last Thursday to catch the morning break. After riding a few waves, Newberry said he spotted a silvery fin emerge from the water near the foot of his board.

    “Everything was pretty Pura Vida up to that point, ya know,” Newberry said in a phone interview. “But then I saw that fin poking above the water and thought, ‘Oh ****! We’re bait, dude!’”

    According to Newberry, the suspected man-eater began circling a group of six or seven surfers about 30 meters from the shoreline. When the shark’s fin turned and appeared to be approaching Newberry directly, it was a kill or be killed moment, he said.

    “I slid off my board, focused on that bad boy comin’ at me, and instincts took over, man,” he said. “I grabbed that sucker’s head and bit his fin like I was Mike Tyson.”

    The ensuing struggle was witnessed from shore as dozens of tourists and locals gathered to watch the melee. Clouds of blood formed in the water though onlookers had a sense Newberry was holding his own as shouts of “take that flipper” and “you taste like chicken” could be heard during the throes of the battle.

    “It was like watching a piranha and a chihuahua in a bathtub,” said witness Katarina Campos. “I didn’t know who was winning or losing, but it was far cooler than any UFC fight I’ve ever seen.”


    After approximately 30 minutes, the splashing stopped and the struggle came to a close. Newberry was then filmed dragging the carcass of the 16-foot animal to shore and yelling “Gringo One, Jaws Zero!” and shot-gunning a beer.

    The videos have since circulated online and caught the attention of several activist groups, including famed Captain Paul Watson, known as the Sea Sheppard, and the World Wildlife Fund.

    “We are studying this attack very closely, and intend to pursue Mr. Newberry with due vigor,” Watson said in a phone interview. “Costa Rica has long been staining international waters with shark blood, and this appears to be an escalation we did not anticipate.”

    Watson also said Newberry should “take on someone his own size” and issued an international bounty on the head of the “Jersey shark murderer.”

    Newberry has since returned to New Jersey and refused further comment on advice of his attorney. The incident is the first recorded shark death via human bite in Costa Rican history.

    Best OP heading ever.
    Last edited by Garyvdh; 25-01-2014 at 03:28 PM. Reason: updated thread title to reflect the source
    Ethics, morals, scruples and a sense of rhythm. I have none of them, and only miss one.

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    Super Grandmaster Park@82's Avatar
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    "Why is there something rather than nothing?"
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    Quote Originally Posted by now05ster View Post
    Mad skills.
    Jerse Shore, Muthafuka!
    Ethics, morals, scruples and a sense of rhythm. I have none of them, and only miss one.

  5. #5

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    Did you read the comments?

    [spoiler]"El Pejibaye is a satirical publication about the great country of Costa Rica. Its stories are not real, all details are fabricated, and is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. El Pejibaye also uses invented names in all of its stories, except in cases of known public figures being satirized. Any other use of real names is purely accidental and coincidental."[/spoiler]
    Last edited by bwana; 25-01-2014 at 08:33 AM.
    "Le mieux est l'ennemi du bien." FM Arouet
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    Quote Originally Posted by bwana View Post
    Did you read the comments?
    Only after posting did I notice the webpage's slogan is 'Costa Rica's most nutricious news source'
    And see one headline was - 'Bottomless Costa Rican Pothole Could Be Time Travel Portal'
    and 'Palmares Worst Nightmares Realized as Non-Alcoholic Beer Sponsors Festival'
    Ethics, morals, scruples and a sense of rhythm. I have none of them, and only miss one.

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    Super Grandmaster Fulcrum29's Avatar
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    Loan shark.

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    Super Grandmaster Zenbaas's Avatar
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    NVM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Albereth View Post
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    Could be straight out of theonion.com

    Funny stuff!!!

  10. #10

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    It's a Wordpress blog... 'nuff said.

  11. #11

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    The videos have since circulated online and caught the attention of several activist groups, including famed Captain Paul Watson, known as the Sea Sheppard, and the World Wildlife Fund.
    video link?

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    Fail thread is FAIL!
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    LOL. I read with conviction.

    Right up until Bwana's post. :|

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    Quote Originally Posted by bwana View Post
    Did you read the comments?

    [spoiler]"El Pejibaye is a satirical publication about the great country of Costa Rica. Its stories are not real, all details are fabricated, and is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. El Pejibaye also uses invented names in all of its stories, except in cases of known public figures being satirized. Any other use of real names is purely accidental and coincidental."[/spoiler]
    Did you read the Parks and Rec jokes in the comments. It couldn't have been set up any better...
    Internet the way it was meant to be. Launch details will become Crystal Clear very soon...

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