Facebook   Twitter    YouTube    RSS Feed    Android App    iPhone and iPad App     BlackBerry App    
Subscribe to Newsletter



Page 271 of 378 FirstFirst ... 171221261267268269270271 272273274275281321371 ... LastLast
Results 4,051 to 4,065 of 5660

Thread: Funniest jokes you know

  1. #4051

    Default

    (n) Do you fart in bed?IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD,LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS...THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE.. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.'BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.?

  2. #4052
    Super Grandmaster Picard's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    At the centre of my bubble of perception.
    Posts
    18,193

    Default

    Still funny everytime I hear/read it.

    EDIT: Just a question .. do you have Office 2007/2010 because there's a very clear and easy function to change whatever case you have to any case you want. My eye muscles are strained.
    Twinkle, twinkle little star
    Wat de donner soek jy daar?

  3. #4053
    Grandmaster Jab's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Under that rock
    Posts
    3,246

    Default

    A guy goes to see his doctor and pulls down his pants revealing an unbelievably huge ass hole.
    "Oh my God!" Exclaims the doctor. "What on earth happened to you?" He asks.
    "I got raped by an elephant." the guy explains.
    The doctor says "Sir. I'll have you know I also studied zoology and know for a fact that the width of an elephants erect penis is nowhere near that large".
    The guy says "He fingered me too".
    By reading this post, you relinquish to me all rights to your immortal soul for all eternity.

  4. #4054
    Super Grandmaster Picard's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    At the centre of my bubble of perception.
    Posts
    18,193

    Default

    A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
    Student:"Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

    Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

    Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

    Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

    Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

    The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

    The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

    To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

    "All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

    "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
    Twinkle, twinkle little star
    Wat de donner soek jy daar?

  5. #4055
    Super Grandmaster D3nz's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    My own little world
    Posts
    6,422

    Default

    This has to be one of the funniest and most God-awful scenarios I have ever heard of... Bless this woman!!!



    All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal. The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now.... The Wax!!



    My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fix dinner; played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours; "Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet?"



    So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off!



    No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm no girly, girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*



    So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh, how this phrase haunts me!). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.



    OK... So it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!!! Hair removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!!



    With my next wax strip, I move "north". After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!



    I'm Blind!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!!... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!



    Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. S**T!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP... Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums????? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it!



    Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair... The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S**T!!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and hair.



    Then I make the next BIG mistake . . . . . . . Remember, my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something, so I put my foot down. DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.



    Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!!! I penguin walk around the bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."



    Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right?? *WRONG!!!!*



    I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water!! Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!! God bless the man what convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter, "So my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?"



    She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!! Right!!!!!! I would be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!!



    By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me as my hand reaches towards the saving grace... The lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care!!



    "IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice, to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!



    So, I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.



    Next week I'm going to try hair color . . . . . .
    Kindness is a language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

  6. #4056

    Default

    Lool, this is indeed really funny.Guess some things are just now diy.))))

  7. #4057
    King of de Jungle Garyvdh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    District 9
    Posts
    75,185
    Blog Entries
    21

    Default

    Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
    Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.
    It's great though. It provides me with everything I need -
    KitKats, Bar Ones, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

  8. #4058
    Super Grandmaster D3nz's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    My own little world
    Posts
    6,422

    Default

    Women always say :that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts".

    Here is proof that they are wrong.

    A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "It would be nice to have another child".

    You never hear a guy say " I would like another kick in the nuts"...
    Kindness is a language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

  9. #4059

    Default

    A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.*The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

    The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
    asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up

  10. #4060

    Default

    Guilt-free Crayfish Recipe:

    1. Put crayfish next to boiling pot of water
    2. Play any Kurt Darren CD.
    3. Crayfish will jump into boiling water by itself!
    4. Enjoy!

  11. #4061
    Super Grandmaster Picard's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    At the centre of my bubble of perception.
    Posts
    18,193

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by APoc84 View Post
    Guilt-free Crayfish Recipe:

    1. Put crayfish next to boiling pot of water
    2. Play any Kurt Darren CD.
    3. Crayfish will jump into boiling water by itself!
    4. Enjoy!
    Crayfish version

    1. Crayfish plays Kurt Darren CD.
    2. Human jumps into the sea and drowns himself.
    3. Crayfish feasts on human's decomposing corpse.
    Twinkle, twinkle little star
    Wat de donner soek jy daar?

  12. #4062
    The Humble Scot! McT's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    Joburg
    Posts
    21,937

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by APoc84 View Post
    Guilt-free Crayfish Recipe:

    1. Put crayfish next to boiling pot of water
    2. Play any Kurt Darren CD.
    3. Crayfish will jump into boiling water by itself!
    4. Enjoy!
    Quote Originally Posted by Picard View Post
    Crayfish version

    1. Crayfish plays Kurt Darren CD.
    2. Human jumps into the sea and drowns himself.
    3. Crayfish feasts on human's decomposing corpse.
    Lmao ... both work with venom
    Report rape and sexual abuse. Don't tolerate crime, report it!
    You can SMS an anonymous tip-off to 32211. SMS charged at R1.

  13. #4063

    Default

    Bedroom golf Rules. 1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

    2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.
    3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
    4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
    owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.

    5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
    6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

    7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.
    8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
    9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
    10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
    11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all
    times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play
    when this is the case.
    12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole

  14. #4064

    Default

    3 Gesuipte ouens klim in ‘n taxi ……..
    Die driver sien toe hulle is dronk, start sy taxi en switch dit toe ook sommer dadelik weer af en s : "Ons is hier manne".
    Twee klim uit en s dankie.
    Die derde een gee die driver 'n mo#rse klap en s :
    "Next time dan ry jy nie so vinnig nie. Ons kan f#kken vrek gewees het !!

  15. #4065
    Teh Cyber Ninja
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    The 031
    Posts
    17,595
    Blog Entries
    3

    Default

    A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

    "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

    "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

    "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

    "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

    "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

    There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

Page 271 of 378 FirstFirst ... 171221261267268269270271 272273274275281321371 ... LastLast

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •