Funniest jokes you know

[Albereth]

IE, the doll had dyed her hair...

OIC - silly me. I had heard that joke before so skipped from red head to broken finger without reading the bit in the middle about blonde dying hair.

[BlackJack1301]

Hehehe, very funny read...

http://cavemanthoughts.com/my-first-...-coaster-ride/

[DrYes]

A group of Std. 1's, 2's and 3's, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the Greyville Racecourse, to learn about
thoroughbred race horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see
the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's
toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them
could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their
pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their
'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said,
'You must be in standard 3?'

'No ', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I
appreciate your help.'

[MickeyD]

Went to bed with two Thai girls last night, it was like winning the lottory.




We had 6 matching balls.

[MickeyD]

My three-year-old son was trying to open a yogurt this morning.

After a few minutes he started getting stressed and said, "Stupid f**king lid."

My wife looked at me and said, "Where's he got that from?"

I said, "The fridge."

[DrYes]

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never
met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no
pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The
police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings too.

[jingaling]

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

[greg0205]

Too many pages to go through to check if this has been posted before so stop me if you've heard this one...
How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram.

[Shake&Bake]

When I die, I'm going to have the Tetris theme played
at my funeral... just as my coffin is being lowered into
the ground.

[McT]

Lost my job last night at the Lifeline Crisis Centre, a man named Malema rang to say he was laying across the railway track and a train was coming. I told him to remain calm and stay on the line.

[VernD]

Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long, sir?"

Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven sir, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir .. . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually, sir."

Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir . . . That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a
distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch sir - it's a compass."

Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good sir - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "I'm afraid the way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "But this isn't the golf course . . . We left that an hour ago sir."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bonus . . .
An old favorite . . . about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at
every hole . . ..

He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy . . .
Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . .. . ?"
Caddy: "There's a piece of **** on the end of your club."
The Golfer picks up his club and cleans the club face . . ..
Caddy: "No sir, it's at the other end"

[DrYes]

Where's Dendens?
I miss her jokes.

[APoc184]

A teacher asks her students to say the following numbers in full words:

John:"888. Eight hundred and eighty eight"

Thabo:"444 . Four hundred and forty four"

Julius:"111. One hundred and onety one!!!!!"

[McT]

A teacher asks her students to say the following numbers in full words:

John:"888. Eight hundred and eighty eight"

Thabo:"444 . Four hundred and forty four"

Julius:"111. One hundred and onety one!!!!!"

Is that the guy who flunked woodwork?

[sand_man]

I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says, "Fancy a shag, Babe?"
I said, "After the football love."
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".


My girlfriend has just asked me how many women I've shagged.
I said, 'I really dont want to answer that love, you know I've had a past & I don't want to upset you!'
'C'mon', she said, 'I can handle it!'
So I had to sit there and count them all.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, you, 10, 11, 12.


My wife asked me to go to the Doctors about my Erection problem ....
she wasn't pleased when I came back and gave her some Slimming Pills.


I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced 'All the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living'. The barman was crushed to death.


My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it.


My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly, do I look fat in this ?".
I replied, "Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom".