Funniest jokes you know

[jingaling]

"going boldly where no man has gone before" is way cooler

"going boldly where no man...", because a woman has already been. Hehe.

[DrYes]

6. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every female alien he encounters.

can only mean that Luke is gay.

[jingaling]

can only mean that Luke is gay.

[McT]

Al Qaeda To Go On Strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained,

"We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle , Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow, Australia and New Zealand, stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

[eehellfire]

A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says:
"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"
"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."
The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.
"Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?"
"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!"
Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes.
Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.
"What's this," says the drunk.
"That's a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender.
The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves.
Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated; totally faced.
"Bartender," he says. "Gimme a martini!"
"No, no," says the bartender. "You're too drunk already. Go home."
Again the drunk notices the darts.
"If I can throw three bull's eyes would you gimme the martini?" he asks.
The bartender thinks, "This guy can't be that lucky again. I'll get rid of him."
"Sure, sure," he says, handing the darts over.
Bip, bip, bip. Three bull's eyes.
"Holy cow," says the bartender, and he gives the drunk guy a martini. Again, he sets a turtle next to it.
"What's this?" asks the drunk.
"That's a prize for being such a good shot."
"Oh," says the drunk, and he quaffs his martini, puts the turtle in his coat pocket, and leaves.
Believe it or not, the very next night the same drunk enters the same bar.
"Gimme a martini!" he demands.
"No, no," says the bartender. "You've been overserved already. Get on home."
Spying the dart board once more, the drunk guy says:"Would tossing three bull's eyes prove that I'm not overserved?"
The bartender can't believe that anybody this drunk could possibly hit the dart board, let alone get three bull's eyes.
"OK," he says, forking over the three darts.
The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.
Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull's eye!
"Unbelievable!" says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail.
"What's this?" asks the drunk.
“That's a special prize for being so good at darts," says the bartender.
"Oh," says the drunk. "All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?"

[xrapidx]

I want my minute back!

[K.J]

Me too

[Datura]

Why you mother*&^(*&

[Soulburner]

Om 'n stofsuier te wees is 'n wonderlike ding!. Jy word oor die mat gestoot, jou draad word getrek, jou sak word leeg gemaak en jy word vir die buurvrou geleen.

[eehellfire]

A couple has been married for 75 years. For the husband's 95th birthday, his wife decides to surprise him by hiring a prostitute. That day, the doorbell rings. The husband uses his walker to get to the door and opens it.
A 21-year-old in a latex outfit smiles and says, "Hi, I here to give you super sex!"
The old man says, "I'll take the soup."

[DrYes]

A couple has been married for 75 years. For the husband's 95th birthday, his wife decides to surprise him by hiring a prostitute. That day, the doorbell rings. The husband uses his walker to get to the door and opens it.
A 21-year-old in a latex outfit smiles and says, "Hi, I here to give you super sex!"
The old man says, "I'll take the soup."

took me a few secs but
bwahahahahahah

[McT]

A Rasta walks into a bank and hands a cashier a bag full of weed. The angry cashier asks "Sir, what the hell is this?!"

The Rasta replies "wa yah ask foolish question mon, mi cum to open a joint account!"

[eehellfire]

In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney is asked if he'd ever go down on one knee again. He replies, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather."

[eehellfire]

My job is so f&*^ng unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup.
She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the f@#$ing stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big f@#$ing dog to work.

Every f#$%ing day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single f%&*ing day.

Anyway, I drive these f@$&tards around in my van and we solve mysteries and sh&t.

[buyeye]

Right, so your beliefs are untouchable, even when backed up with valid questions. But it's ok to mock nogard's astral projecting unicorn. Are you an expert on astral projecting unicorns?