Are you liable for child support if marrying a woman with kids and divorcing later?

[Mekon]

Give it

Who hurt you?
*very happily married going on 9 years checking in.
P.S. I do agree about the part about not marrying someone with kids though.

Give it time lad, give it time.
Who hurt me? Well that was my ex wife who decided to have an affair and then divorced me to be with the unemployed geezer. Why did she divorce me? I guess me working long hours and trying to build a future and make sure there was enough money for holidays and getting a decent education for the kids was selfish.

However nothing beats going to a pub or friends or whatever and coming home at anytime I please and not having to explain myself and if current girlfriend ain't happy then she can move on.

 

[RedViking]

I always thought if you marry a women with kids, you take them on as your own. This is if there is no active father in the picture. Isn't it convenient how quickly you can disregard the kids again if you can't sleep with their mommy anymore....

 

[pinball wizard]

I always thought if you marry a women with kids, you take them on as your own.

Only if you adopt them.

 

[RedViking]

Only if you adopt them.

That makes sense. The rest is just baggage

 

[Smokey mcpot]

I don’t even know what to think of this topic.

so I have a daughter with my ex. We split and my daughter has been living with me full time for 12 years now. No court order and no maintenance order. I pay for everything and anything that’s needed. My wife has been in my daughters life for almost 10 years now and loves my daughter more than she loves me it seems. Firstly I would be pissed if my ex suddenly decides to go to court and shot doesn’t swing in my favor. Even if it’s a 50/50 custody o would be pissed.
even I my wife and I were to divorce for some reason, she has already made I clear that it will be one hell of a fight around visitation rights etc.

another spanner in the works. My ex has another daughter from someone else (whom she is no longer with). Schools and after care are closed and she has to work full time. Dad just dropped off the daughter at my ex’s place and never answered or responded to her calls and messages. We then let this kid stay with us until there is another option. It’s been just over a month now and this kid has already become like a daughter to us. She doesn’t even want to go back home or visit her mom weekends and has asked if she could live with us lol. just from this experience I don’t know how a father would not want to be in any kids life that they have raised or how they would not want to ensure that kid gets the best in life after a divorce/split. Or maybe that’s just me being a sucker.

should the courts force him? I don’t think so, but as redviking mentioned that kid basically becomes your own unless you do not spend any time doing anything for it with the kid during your relationship with the mom... that also makes the relationship another level of weird.

 

[Gozado]

Smokey, your post shows love and generosity and basic humanity. Thank you.

With regard to the second "daughter" (the half-sister of your daughter), I'd recommend that you at least try to put some part of this in writing, between you, the girl's mother (your ex), and your wife. This, for the sake of protecting the child(ren)'s emotional well-being, further down the road.

 

[Smokey mcpot]

Smokey, your post shows love and generosity and basic humanity. Thank you.

With regard to the second "daughter" (the half-sister of your daughter), I'd recommend that you at least try to put some part of this in writing, between you, the girl's mother (your ex), and your wife. This, for the sake of protecting the child(ren)'s emotional well-being, further down the road.

I don’t think that warrants a thank you, like you said that’s just basic humanity. As someone who spent some time as a single parent I feel for both single mothers and fathers out there. Even more so support step parents who do the right thing and hate when some guys have to jump through hoops to see their kids because the ex is feeling bitter once they’ve moved on.

our courts really need to step up when it comes to cases like these. Too many bad judgements being made and despite them claiming it’s in favor of the kids, the kids suffer the most.

as for the writing bit, I’m not sure I follow why I should get anything in writing?

 

[grok]

Smokey, your post shows love and generosity and basic humanity. Thank you.

With regard to the second "daughter" (the half-sister of your daughter), I'd recommend that you at least try to put some part of this in writing, between you, the girl's mother (your ex), and your wife. This, for the sake of protecting the child(ren)'s emotional well-being, further down the road.

Smokey was just lucky his ex-wife is the reasonable kind..

Long story but mine tried to ruin my life afterwards & to this day I cannot get rid of her.
She basically worms her way into every family meeting and get-together since she's best buds with my sister-in-law.
I bluffed her once that if she gets between myself & the kids I'll walk out of their lives.
She did, so I moved away to Cape Town & then overseas for 3 years.
When I got back she had calmed down somewhat & nowadays I have a great relationship with my kids despite everything.
Its just I'll probably never be rid of the cow for good.

 

[Smokey mcpot]

Don’t get me wrong, it was not easy for the first 2 years. I just smiled and waved at any form of abuse that came from her. Had to do this for my daughters sake. Eventually she came around and then my wife came into the picture and hell came back lol. Eventually my wife had enough and gave her a good chat about how her behavior affect our daughter. Things have improved since then and she even communicates with my wife around things most of the time. She’s eventually thanked my wife (and me) for being good parents and specifically for my wife accepting and loving our daughter as her own. Even confessed to me that my wife is more of a mom than she is.

On the moving away bit, that’s exactly what I think such women want you to do so that they can tell people how you just upped and left and what a terrible person you are. They never tell the full story about their behavior that led to certain actions

 

[Gozado]

as for the writing bit, I’m not sure I follow why I should get anything in writing?

I was thinking that somewhere out there is the girl's father. He is not even responding to calls, so that reflects badly upon him, in terms of being able to distinguish between his own needs and those of the child.

If living in your family is truly what the girl herself wants, what her sister (your daughter) is comfortable with, but most especially what the three participating adults agree is the best option for now (her mother (your ex) and your wife, and you, too) then perhaps it is worth documenting or formallising that arrangement This to protect the situation for all converned, just in case the father one day returns and tries, for example, to take the child away from you, while that might not be in the child's best interests.

Also for another reason: if the girls are older than, say, 12, then they probably understand the network of relationships. If they are smaller, then you, effectively will be Dad to both girls. When they are teenagers or adults, they'll need to be able to figure out what happened. As simple page setting out what each person thought and agreed to, at the time (with dates) that the littler one came to live with you, can help to understand things, later on in their lives.

 

[Smokey mcpot]

Aah now I understand what you mean. I didn’t even think about it that way.

thinking about that now and realize it’s actually quite a complicated situation. Here I thought we’re just doing my ex a favor not realizing the potential impact it can have on the little one. She’s 8 years old now. Her dad has always been in her life and just with lockdown suddenly dropped her off and went under the radar. The initial thought was that he would pick her up after a break for a week or so but he has just not made contact with anyone. I think it’s time the adults have a formal discussion around this.

thank you so much for the advice, definitely something we should do for her well being.

 

[Gozado]

I was thinking that somewhere out there is the girl's father. He is not even responding to calls, so that reflects badly upon him, in terms of being able to distinguish between his own needs and those of the child.

Perhaps I was too harsh about this. After all, you write:

Her dad has always been in her life and just with lockdown suddenly dropped her off and went under the radar. The initial thought was that he would pick her up after a break for a week or so but he has just not made contact with anyone. I think it’s time the adults have a formal discussion around this.

In the light of this, it could be that he is not well, or has lost his job and all ability to contact the girl's mother (your ex). All the more reason for you to put something down on paper, to guide you all until he can be found, and his circumstances understood.

To keep everyone safe(st), you could also set a date by which the situation will be reconsidered, and perhaps also that future decisions (at least until a date one month beyond that first date, and therafter by the 10th of each month, even just by mail... print those out, and add them to the girl's file) about where the girl lives will be taken only after three-way conversation between you, your wife, and your ex, this for the protection of the child's psychological well-being.

Specify the contact permitted, or not, with other adults, e.g. your ex-parents-in-law.

If the child is going to continue to stay with you once school starts, you'll also need your ex to open the communication between you, your wife and the girl's school (or any other group she may attend).

Also specify whether any money is involved. Based on what you've written earlier in the thread, my sense is that, if you can afford to feed the little girl, it might be good, at least for now, to just forego any money transaction. However, you and your wife might like to have the option open to re-visit this topic, too, if it turns out to be a long-term arrangement.

 

[Smokey mcpot]

Wow eyes really opening.

So it seems as if her school might not reopen this year. If it does then she will be back with her mom. The school is a few hundred meters from her moms work and home plus they have aftercare. So it would make practical sense for her to be back home if school reopens. We stay quite far from the school so its a no brainer. The financial side hasn’t been and won’t ever be an issue.

So there’s no issue between me and my ex or her family. We’ve actually got a great relationship these days. Her mom and brother even invites us to braai and birthdays regularly. Her mom is super grateful for my wife treating my daughter as her own. Was weird at first but I’m super happy that things are the way it is. So communication and visits has never been an issue. I even drop the girls off at the grandmothers for a day every now and then.

the dad is the wild card. We’ve had some issues when he was violent towards my ex while my daughter was there. She is not used to anything like that and didn’t take it well at all. I respectfully asked him to not do things like that when she’s there (only every 2nd weekend) which I didn’t think was a lot to ask. His response was unexplainable and he got his butt whipped hahaha... since then he has not had any issues and even apologized for his behavior. So I really don’t know what the issue is as he is actively avoiding her. I have not personally tried contacting him as I feel it’s not my place despite her being in my care right now.

this thread has definitely been an eye opener though and I can see how it can have a negative effect on the little one. Will definitely be taking steps to try and protect her going forward.

thanks again for the awesome advice. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.