Biting the hand that feeds

[Candystore]

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[guest2013-1]

I previously posted about this http://mybroadband.co.za/vb/showthread.php?t=158509

Because the parties are no longer together, there are hurt feelings, which I suppose is normal.

However I was amazed when someone recently told me that the couple's daughter had a conversation with a family friend during which she referred to her father as the sperm donor. This child is now 20 years old and she was about 18 when she said this. When she is in his company, she acts loving and such angry words would never pass her lips.

I find this disgusting behaviour. Just because a relationship ended, does not give one license to talk like this about one's father in public.

Monkey see monkey do (I know that sounds harsh but still)

The kid got it from somewhere. And I'm betting that because her mother raised her, even though her father gave more than enough, her mother (who is the money grubbing lets take everything we can get and up my own lifestyle instead of looking after the kids well-being), probably also had derogatory and/or angry comments about her father to say.

Especially when it comes to money and what not. And if I could guess, the father was the one that either cheated and/or left the mother (hence him being willing to extend himself financially to care for them more than he has to)

Someone's attitude can dictate how another person reacts towards them. So if her father was somehow mad at her or they don't "gel" well, its most probably because her attitude towards her father changed because of the mother's perspective and behind the back talk.

However you mention she is loving while with him and in others company, except when he's not there, which tells me it's not the attitude issue and them being nasty towards each other because both of them are on "defense" but the whole mother issue rearing its head.

If you talk down on your ex-husband's behavior or insult them without reason, even if its to other people and not your own children, its wrong. End of story. Kids are like spunges. You'd be amazed what they pick up when you think they can't understand whats really going on.

The anger the daughter has towards her father is most likely cause of the mother.

Whats her number? I like girls with daddy issues

 

[SlinkyMike]

20 may sound all grown up... it may even be that way some of the time but at 20 one is still likely to talk a load of crap from time to time - like kids often do.
Don't know your age but - remember when you were 20?
Remember maybe saying or doing something stupid and possibly hurtful?
I'd say: take it from whence it comes and dont make too big a deal, 20 year olds (specifically female ones) can tend to overreact too

 

[Sherbang]

An absent father is still absent, even if he is giving financial support. Money doesn't buy love and shared experience. A child who is conceived via a sperm donor obviously has no relationship with the biological father, perhaps she feels she has no relationship with her father either...

Having said that, are you sure she was speaking in anger? I have a friend who also refers to her father as the sperm donor, but she is joking and actually loves her father very much - they have a great relationship. Her parents are divorced too and she she also grew up with her mom so maybe there is something to that...

 

[Waaib]

It's very normal behavior for teenagers (20 is not that far past teenager). Basically what they will do is say whatever they feel would be most appropriate in the company they are in at any given time. I did some work with trouble teenagers at one point and we went on a course that covered this.

For example if they are with you they will tell you that their foster parents are terrible but when they are with the social workers (who place them) they will say the foster parents are wonderful. Or when they visit their Mother they will say the Father is a nightmare and the opposite when the visit with the father. The bottom line is, we where taught, that they are just looking to fit into the situation as best they can and sometimes manipulate the situation to their perceived advantage.

 

[alisiaoh]

Why does it bother you so much that she said her father was only the sperm donor? How is it your business? or were you the "family friend" she talked to?

She may have very valid reasons for speaking about her father like that.....

But i also do agree with Acidrazor. She is probably used to her mom bad mouthing her dad in front of them and to her that is a norm.

My parents are divorced (my dad cheated on my mom), never saw my dad much growing up, he also never really bothered to contact us, hardly ever contributed to any of our schooling or other needs. And yes my mom did bad mouth him in front of us - especially when he actually made an effort to see us or so. And i still dont have much of a relationship with my dad - hardly ever speak to him and also try and avoid him as much as possible.

 

[blunomore]

Why does it bother you so much that she said her father was only the sperm donor? How is it your business? or were you the "family friend" she talked to?

She may have very valid reasons for speaking about her father like that.....

But i also do agree with Acidrazor. She is probably used to her mom bad mouthing her dad in front of them and to her that is a norm.

My parents are divorced (my dad cheated on my mom), never saw my dad much growing up, he also never really bothered to contact us, hardly ever contributed to any of our schooling or other needs. And yes my mom did bad mouth him in front of us - especially when he actually made an effort to see us or so. And i still dont have much of a relationship with my dad - hardly ever speak to him and also try and avoid him as much as possible.

I am not referring to your personal situation alisia, but I think dads generally get the short end of the stick.

As a rule, the court gives custody to the mother. You have to be a terrible mom or unstable or a drug addict, etc. NOT to get custody of your kids. So the mom already has the advantage from the start, because she has them with her.

I have no sympathy for dads who renege on their maintenance, but the other side of the coin is that some moms see divorce as a meal ticket for life: they will 'cash in' on the father's feelings of guilt at not being with his kids.

Lastly, I strongly believe that, after having tried your best, no-one should force you to stay in a relationship that is not working. That could impact ever more negatively on the kids than having an absent dad.

JMO.

 

[alisiaoh]

I am not referring to your personal situation alisia, but I think dads generally get the short end of the stick.

As a rule, the court gives custody to the mother. You have to be a terrible mom or unstable or a drug addict, etc. NOT to get custody of your kids. So the mom already has the advantage from the start, because she has them with her.

I have no sympathy for dads who renege on their maintenance, but the other side of the coin is that some moms see divorce as a meal ticket for life: they will 'cash in' on the father's feelings of guilt at not being with his kids.

Lastly, I strongly believe that, after having tried your best, no-one should force you to stay in a relationship that is not working. That could impact ever more negatively on the kids than having an absent dad.

JMO.

Jip i can see your point. Mothers are seen as the primary caregiver for children and thus get custody easier.

And i understand that some woman do just want to have their exes suffer as much as possible without taking the children's well being into regard. Although i dont condone or like what my mom did i do also know she had her reasons.

I know all to well how "evil/vindictive" woman can be when it comes to divorce. As i work in a law firm i have seen quite a number of woman who only use their children to try and get as much money from their ex-spouses as possible and would keep the kids away from them just to get their way.

I was just trying to illustrate that a combination of things have led up to me and my dad not getting a long. One of them being my mother bad mouthing him in front of us kids.

 

[Jewelbox]

Maybe her father is not interested in her, that's why she says such things.

 

[Waaib]

It's very rare for parents to be completely uninterested in their kids. Sometimes their hearts harden over time and reconciling is tough but it doesn't mean he completely doesn't care about her. As a father I don't think that would be possible.

Also I wonder if, as a young lady, she is more prone to take the female side of the argument? It's just a thought, I'm open to comment on that.

In my experience no matter how badly fathers treat their kids the kids naturally idolize them to a certain age. In their late teens they become angry and later on usually come to forgive. Just my view.

 

[blunomore]

It's very rare for parents to be completely uninterested in their kids. Sometimes their hearts harden over time and reconciling is tough but it doesn't mean he completely doesn't care about her. As a father I don't think that would be possible.

Also I wonder if, as a young lady, she is more prone to take the female side of the argument? It's just a thought, I'm open to comment on that.

In my experience no matter how badly fathers treat their kids the kids naturally idolize them to a certain age. In their late teens they become angry and later on usually come to forgive. Just my view.

Despite all you said, can you imagine how hurt that father would feel if he found out what was said about him? I think at the age that girl was - 18 - she should have thought about it more before uttering it.

 

[Waaib]

For sure Blu. It would hurt a great deal.