ZURICH. Scientists say particles travelling faster than the speed of light are in fact Mac Maharaj, moving at astronomical speed from being a liberation hero to becoming another paranoid apparatchik embroiled in corruption allegations. They also confirmed that the faster-than-light Maharaj particles make time-travel theoretically possible, which explains why South Africa is rapidly returning to the mid-1980s.
According to researchers at the CERN particle accelerator in Switzerland, the Maharaj particles were discovered after janitors heard “belligerent waffling” coming out of the jam-jar in which neutrinos are usually stored.
“We gave them a closer look and realised they had a little goatee,” explained Dr Ballsack Götterdämmerung. “They were incredibly evasive, and when we tried to pin them down they simultaneously managed to avoid us and bombard us with empty rhetoric.
“That’s when we realised we had found the elusive Maharaj particle.”
He said that the discovery – that Maharaj could evade detection at speeds exceeding that of light – would revolutionize modern physics.
“If the Maharaj particles are left to their own devices, we could see massive chunks of the textbook being blacked out,” he said.
His views were echoed by CERN physicist Dr Fanta Gräp, who said that the Maharaj particle’s ability to travel faster than the speed of light made time-travel theoretically possible.
“Already we are hearing exciting reports that South Africa may be experiencing a rapid shift from the present into the past,” said Dr Gräp. “It seems they are already somewhere near 1986, with a paranoid, race-obsessed nationalist government threatening journalists with prosecution and blacking out chunks of newspapers. It’s astonishing.”
He added that the rate of regression seemed to be increasing.
“It’s taken them a couple of years to travel back 25 years, but we’re expecting them to go all the way back to 1938 within the next twelve months,” he said.
“In ’38 they had something called the ‘eeufees’, where the race-obsessed nationalists spent a huge amount of money to celebrate 100 years of being race-obsessed nationalists,” explained Gräp. “And they’re going to do it again next year, although to be fair this new lot have only been race-obsessed for a few years.”
Meanwhile the ANC has denied that it is emulating apartheid tactics, saying that censoring the press and prosecuting journalists have been tried by “many other regimes too”.
“Don’t come with that ‘Oooo, you’re just like the apartheid regime’ crap,” said spokesman Spokes Mann. “The Nazis did it, Stalin did it, Mao did it, the Khmer Rouge did it, Gaddafi did it, hell, basically every dictatorship has done it. So stop comparing us to those *****ing Nats, OK?”
Sign up with Google
You're right- this is Africa, after all. African Time also requires we add 2.592 x 10[sup]11[/sup] nanoseconds.