Delaying Sex Makes Better Relationships, Study Finds

mercurial

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Delaying sex makes for a more satisfying and stable relationship later on, new research finds.

Couples who had sex the earliest — such as after the first date or within the first month of dating — had the worst relationship outcomes.

"What seems to happen is that if couples become sexual too early, this very rewarding area of the relationship overwhelms good decision-making and keeps couples in a relationship that might not be the best for them in the long-run," study researcher Dean Busby, of Brigham Young University's School of Family Life, told LiveScience.

Busby and his colleagues published their work Dec. 28 in the Journal of Family Psychology.

The intricate nature of sex

Past research on sex and its link to relationship quality has revealed two different paradigms. In one, sex is considered essential to a developing relationship since it allows partners to assess their sexual compatibility. Following this line of thinking, couples who marry before testing out their sexual chemistry are at risk of marital distress and failure later on.

The opposing view posits couples who delay or abstain from sexual intimacy during the early part of their relationships allow communication and other social processes to become the foundation of their attraction to each other. Essentially, early sex could be detrimental to a relationship, skewing it away from communication, commitment and the ability to handle adversity, this thinking suggests.
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Surv0

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we couldnt wait, and we cant wait to get married either :)

Eventually youll find out you are compatible, one way or another, and then it just serves as relationship experience, making your next one stronger, or allowing you to find someone better fitting. Process of elimination... dont drag it out to find out u wont work together, think of all the crazy sex you could have been having up until that realisation..
 

zaknight

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Delaying Sex Makes Better Relationships.

Last time I checked it wasn't popular to wait till marriage before jumping into bed. Perhaps that is coming back in more ways than one. But then who respects themselves enough these days to abstain until marriage or respect their partner enough to not push the issue before marriage.

Has sex become something so mundane that it means absolutely nothing to anyone anymore ? After all, everyone is doing it with everyone else, right ? So if someone decided to make it popular to jump off a bridge somewhere to see how close they could come to death and survive the experience, how many other people would take that step as everyone else was doing it as well.

I was brought up to believe that sex was something that was reserved for marriage alone. I don't believe it has made me less of a person because of it. Rather it has taught me to respect my spouse as well as myself.

Was it all worth waiting for ?

Absolutely.
 

TheGuy

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Last time I checked it wasn't popular to wait till marriage before jumping into bed. Perhaps that is coming back in more ways than one. But then who respects themselves enough these days to abstain until marriage or respect their partner enough to not push the issue before marriage.

Has sex become something so mundane that it means absolutely nothing to anyone anymore ? After all, everyone is doing it with everyone else, right ? So if someone decided to make it popular to jump off a bridge somewhere to see how close they could come to death and survive the experience, how many other people would take that step as everyone else was doing it as well.

I was brought up to believe that sex was something that was reserved for marriage alone. I don't believe it has made me less of a person because of it. Rather it has taught me to respect my spouse as well as myself.

Was it all worth waiting for ?

Absolutely.
I don't think they mean you should abstain from sex until marriage just get to know the person before jumping in the sack.
 

syntax

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Last time I checked it wasn't popular to wait till marriage before jumping into bed. Perhaps that is coming back in more ways than one. But then who respects themselves enough these days to abstain until marriage or respect their partner enough to not push the issue before marriage.

Has sex become something so mundane that it means absolutely nothing to anyone anymore ? After all, everyone is doing it with everyone else, right ? So if someone decided to make it popular to jump off a bridge somewhere to see how close they could come to death and survive the experience, how many other people would take that step as everyone else was doing it as well.

I was brought up to believe that sex was something that was reserved for marriage alone. I don't believe it has made me less of a person because of it. Rather it has taught me to respect my spouse as well as myself.

Was it all worth waiting for ?

Absolutely.
I am glad it was worth it for you. Good job, saying i dont have respect for myself or my partner because we had sex before marriage is a load of BS.

In my opinion your views are primitive. I am all for couples living together for a few months and having sex before marriage. (Obviously I dont mean sleep around)

Bad sex, or an unfulfilling sex life can easily contribute to a cheating spouse and downfall of a marriage, especially early on in the process. So too can marrying and finding out the person you are now living with is extremely difficult and a complete tool. To say things dont change once you move in with each other is also BS, it doesnt matter if you spend every day together, once you move in, things change.

Rather find these things out before marriage, rather than make this commitment to only break it 2 years down the line due to completely avoidable circumstances.

Sorry dude, but i respect marriage enough to make sure that the person I am marrying will stay my wife until I turn to dust.
 

satanboy

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What's happened to the 3rd date (sex) rule?

Marriage is a state of mind (not a piece of paper or metal).
 

_Hecate_

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I agree with Surv0 and tau1z. Waiting till you are married is an antiquated practice…actually its not even antiquated cause ppl have always had premarital sex. It was just frowned upon and nobody admitted to it.

Basing respect on the ability of a person to abstain is just another way of judging someone. To each their own. My opinion will not change on a person due to their virginal/”slut” status but rather be based on who that person is.

I personally would not want to find out two years into a marriage that my husband has some freaky fetish that I’m not willing to participate in..which will lead him to look for it elsewhere..which leads to cheating blah blah blah. The fact is one of the founding blocks of a good relationship is based on how good/fulfilling the sex is and having had only one partner the person would not have a lot of experience to draw upon. This is just my opinion and I admit there might be some anomalies out there where people are just sexually combatable without having had other partners.
 

Surv0

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Last time I checked it wasn't popular to wait till marriage before jumping into bed. Perhaps that is coming back in more ways than one. But then who respects themselves enough these days to abstain until marriage or respect their partner enough to not push the issue before marriage.

Has sex become something so mundane that it means absolutely nothing to anyone anymore ? After all, everyone is doing it with everyone else, right ? So if someone decided to make it popular to jump off a bridge somewhere to see how close they could come to death and survive the experience, how many other people would take that step as everyone else was doing it as well.

I was brought up to believe that sex was something that was reserved for marriage alone. I don't believe it has made me less of a person because of it. Rather it has taught me to respect my spouse as well as myself.

Was it all worth waiting for ?

Absolutely.
and contrary to this, abstaining till marriage often leads to early marriages which end in divorce, or in the case of 2 of my gf's christian friends (father is a paster), they have wanted to have sex for some time, but feel constrained by their religion, thus forcing them into thinking about marriage just to do the deed. Cant help but look at this as counter constructive.. Rush into marriage, to do the sacred deed, to realise you made a bad decision, to having a divorce. I couldnt think of a worse road to go down.

My partner and I respect each other to the fullest, and we maybe lasted a week before getting in bed together.
 

BinaryJack

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But then who respects themselves enough these days to abstain until marriage or respect their partner enough to not push the issue before marriage.
Abstinence is not equal to respect for self or others.
That is just a little lie you tell yourself because "you aint gettin'any..."

Has sex become something so mundane that it means absolutely nothing to anyone anymore ? After all, everyone is doing it with everyone else, right ? So if someone decided to make it popular to jump off a bridge somewhere to see how close they could come to death and survive the experience, how many other people would take that step as everyone else was doing it as well.
Redactio ad absurdum.
Normally an argument used by overprotective parental figures or the recently converted holier-than-though soap-boxers.

Rather it has taught me to respect my spouse as well as myself.
Refer to my first point. Abstinence is not equal to respect.

Was it all worth waiting for ?

Absolutely.
I am happy for you, no really I am.

I find the fact that you are stating that you have never had sex before marriage rather absurd.
 

wrathex

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They recruited 2,035 heterosexual individuals who had an average age of 36 and were in their first marriages.
I swear I read: They recruited 2,035 heterosexual christian individuals who had an average age of 36 and were in their first marriages.

It's logical that a relationship based mostly on a physical attraction will fail sooner or later, relationships forged on friendship and emotional intimacy are bound to lead to good sex in the long term too. - It's the grass is greener on the other side syndrome that interferes with this ;)
 

satanboy

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It's logical that a relationship based mostly on a physical attraction will fail sooner or later, relationships forged on friendship and emotional intimacy are bound to lead to good sex in the long term too. - It's the grass is greener on the other side syndrome that interferes with this ;)
100% correct
The sex just keeps getting better (for us).
 

syntax

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I swear I read: They recruited 2,035 heterosexual christian individuals who had an average age of 36 and were in their first marriages.

It's logical that a relationship based mostly on a physical attraction will fail sooner or later, relationships forged on friendship and emotional intimacy are bound to lead to good sex in the long term too. - It's the grass is greener on the other side syndrome that interferes with this ;)
I dont necessarily believe this. You can have a wonderful person, who you share things with, have fun with etc...but it just doesnt happen in the bedroom. I agree though, that you need to have a good relationship etc as well though, especially in the older years when the sex is no longer as important.

For me its like this, if the sex is bad, it tends to fill up the relationship and be an important factor in the relationship failing. If its good, its just a small part of the relationship.
(i dont know if i explained that properly, brain is on meltdown mode)
 

BinaryJack

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My stance regarding sex and relationships are rather straightforward.
We are at the core still animals, and through that still driven by instincts.
The instincts are physical and one of these instincts is to mate.
Through evolution the primary instinct of mating, to reproduce, has taken a step further and mating is done for pleasure.
This can be seen in a number of primate species that mate for not other reason but pleasure.

I am able to have sex purely for the sake of having sex without expecting or reciprocating an emotional connection.
 

wrathex

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I dont necessarily believe this. You can have a wonderful person, who you share things with, have fun with etc...but it just doesnt happen in the bedroom. I agree though, that you need to have a good relationship etc as well though, especially in the older years when the sex is no longer as important.

For me its like this, if the sex is bad, it tends to fill up the relationship and be an important factor in the relationship failing. If its good, its just a small part of the relationship.
(i dont know if i explained that properly, brain is on meltdown mode)
I understand what you mean, during my 22 year marriage (now over kadoverz), the sex was not that good for me in the beginning but with experience and as the years went by, it got better and better till it was very good, (it then spiralled back down to non-existent due to me going cold on him - his affairs) my marriage failed due to the fact that we outgrew each other - he wanted other women sexually and I wanted someone who was less logically cold and more affectionate and conversational.

In my new relationship (partner who is also logical, but also emotionally warm and conversational and affectionate ), the sex is not that good for me yet, but it is good enough and I look forward to my friend getting to know me and my likes and dislikes and my body better, I'm patient :p
 

Slingshot

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Almost all my relationships went downhill once sex came into the picture, so yes this was true for me. Dit help nie jy probeer probleme in jou verhouding wegsteek nie. In the end you're not working so hard on building a true relationship any more, than on other things. :)
 

MickeyD

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So my wife and I are beyond that average age and still happily married. We lived in "sin" for just over two years before legalising our union.

We had an interesting discussion about the "legalisation" just the other day.

Were we pressured into getting married by our families? No, the marriage just sort of "happened". We were chilling in the pool one night, chatting about 'things' and reached consensus that it was time we made it legal.

Why did we bother, we asked? We both wanted kids and at that time there was a bit of a stigma attached to kids born out of wedlock; we did not want our kids to be stigmatised. (Yeah, we may have been a bit naïve!!)

Would we still be together today if we had not gotten married? We both like to think that we would still be together, even after a total of 23 years of union, if we had not made it legal.

Did the issue of pre-marital sex affect our relationship? Yes, we think it strengthened the bond between us.

The sexual act is only only facet of a strong relationship and if you are in a relationship for sex only, it is bound to fail.

Conclusion: I call BS on yet another so-called scientific study that is trying to pigeon-hole people.
 

BinaryJack

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Almost all my relationships went downhill once sex came into the picture, so yes this was true for me.
Have you perhaps thought that you might be a bad lay?
There is nothing worse than a bad lay. Even no lay is better than a bad lay.
 
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