What Tiger SHOULD have said....
To my wife, I'm sorry. I f**ked up but I'm not changing so you'll either need to put up with this **** or I'll stroke you the check I agreed to in the pre-nup....sorry.
To my fans, get over it. Where I stick my d**k is none of your business. If you care....sorry. I don't need any of you in order to make 10 times in one year what you'll make in a career. I promise to continue to hit 4 irons from 210 yards to within 10' of the hole and drop puts that you couldn't read in a million years. If that's not good enough for you, go watch tennis.
To the media. You c**ksuckers are the only ones more two-faced than I am. Kissing my a*** for all those years and then ripping me every chance you've had since Thanksgiving. F**k ya'll. I'm glad I don't have to take the time to sit and answer the same bullsh*t questions over and over again.
To the other golfers. Kiss my cablanasian a***! You motherf****rs come out ripping me when I've put more f**king money in your pockets than you could count. You think anyone's been paying to see Jesper-f**king-Parnavik? Give me a f**king break. I'm almost tempted to give up golf just to punish you guys but I think it's going to be more fun to practice for the next few weeks and get back to making you all my bitches.
That's all I got today folks.....see ya at Augusta !....
Oh and Bambi, if you're listening I'll meet you at the Ritz in 45 minutes.
LOL brilliant!