Don't think I wanna be a "dude" anymore

chefdude98

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Are you specifically looking for a relationship, or is this a general thing? Do you have good non-romantic relationships with other men in your life? No reason to ask, just generally curious.
Yes, I have healthy friendships with other males.

I am not seeking a partner.

There is a lot of disrespect amongst gay/bi men, it sometimes feels like your worth is how sexually attractive you are.

I have even tried to form new platonic relationships but their is a lack of respect or interest from their part. It always boils down to them wanting sex.
 

chefdude98

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So then what can you change about your own behavior that leads to relationships in which that doesn't happen? If you're tired of it and you're the common denominator - then change something, be different, grow etc.
Why am I the problem? Why do I have to change?

You sound like a person that tells women to dress a certain way, so they will be safer.
 

saor

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Why am I the problem? Why do I have to change?

You sound like a person that tells women to dress a certain way, so they will be safer.
It was a question about what you can change.
If nothing, then fine.

And no, what I might sound like is someone telling a woman (or any person) to question their own behavior after they've landed in the 14th toxic relationship that year. But ja fine, don't look inward. Deflect and point the finger at me for something. High five trying to find a solution.
 

chefdude98

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It was a question about what you can change.
If nothing, then fine.

And no, what I might sound like is someone telling a woman (or any person) to question their own behavior after they've landed in the 14th toxic relationship that year. But ja fine, don't look inward. Deflect and point the finger at me for something. High five trying to find a solution.
You have valid points.
Part of me didn't want to hear that.

I think for me to grow as a person, i have to avoid situations that aren't good for me.

I know what I dont want & I need to avoid those types of guys.

I want to try Daruk & Poppa Smurfs suggestion of meeting people via hobbies.

It just reminds me of high school.

Im just afraid that people will view me as a "f**" & it won't go well.

Straight men intimidate me & sometimes scare me.

Im not a "guy's guy", so I don't fit into that world easily.
 

Splinter

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Yes, I have healthy friendships with other males.

I am not seeking a partner.

There is a lot of disrespect amongst gay/bi men, it sometimes feels like your worth is how sexually attractive you are.

I have even tried to form new platonic relationships but their is a lack of respect or interest from their part. It always boils down to them wanting sex.
So, reading into this, your problem is not that you get used and abused in relationships. It's that you are not found attractive enough to be used and abused.
 

supersunbird

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Yes, I have healthy friendships with other males.

I am not seeking a partner.

There is a lot of disrespect amongst gay/bi men, it sometimes feels like your worth is how sexually attractive you are.

I have even tried to form new platonic relationships but their is a lack of respect or interest from their part. It always boils down to them wanting sex.
If you think you have it rough, it's even rougher for women on various adult or dating apps, getting unwanted dick pics, flooded by so many messages.
 

copacetic

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You have valid points.
Part of me didn't want to hear that.

I think for me to grow as a person, i have to avoid situations that aren't good for me.

I know what I dont want & I need to avoid those types of guys.

I want to try Daruk & Poppa Smurfs suggestion of meeting people via hobbies.

It just reminds me of high school.

Im just afraid that people will view me as a "f**" & it won't go well.

Straight men intimidate me & sometimes scare me.

Im not a "guy's guy", so I don't fit into that world easily.
People called me gay for just about my entire time at school (I'm not gay). Many years down the line, and I'm at peace with myself, and I get why those people saw me that way at the time, and also have a much better understanding of why people generally behave the way they do.

Sorry, I'm rambling as I'm trying to articulate something and I am finding it difficult. A lot of what you've said here reminds me of a time in my own life, and it's challenging offering any advice without sounding condescending, or making it seem like you are the problem, as it's not quite that, it's just that you are the only factor you are able to control, so there's no point in generalising about the behaviour of other people, which is only going to serve to set up your negative expectations of them.

There is no 'guy's world' you have to fit into, or if there is, I missed opening day. The vast majority of people are just trying to muddle through this crazy world, and sure, there is ignorance, hatred, posturing and deflection all over the show, but this goes for everyone and covers all sorts of contexts, yet on the other side of that coin there is a tremendous amount of goodness to be found in humanity.

I'm trying to end this with the actual advice I was reaching for, but I can't find a way to express it for the moment.

Don't stress about your sexuality, if you're just looking to hang out and find a hobby. No one cares, and I mean that in a good way, and if someone does, they are unlikely to do well in a group situation in the first place, I'd hazard and other people will have your back (assuming you're not a raging ******* of course).

Also, side-note: In your OP you refer to yourself as "a sensitive, sweet, sincere, kind & generally open guy", which is probably also similar to how I'd describe myself if I had to. However, a major lesson that took me many years to learn, is that being this way does not in itself lead to people treating you well. Being good and kind is great, but you also have to learn to be tough, set up boundaries and be able to say no to people, which is difficult if you're not used to it, especially if it clashes with how you view yourself in the first place. It is, however, extremely important and something that will take work if it doesn't come naturally.
 

saor

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Also, side-note: In your OP you refer to yourself as "a sensitive, sweet, sincere, kind & generally open guy", which is probably also similar to how I'd describe myself if I had to. However, a major lesson that took me many years to learn, is that being this way does not in itself lead to people treating you well. Being good and kind is great, but you also have to learn to be tough, set up boundaries and be able to say no to people, which is difficult if you're not used to it, especially if it clashes with how you view yourself in the first place. It is, however, extremely important and something that will take work if it doesn't come naturally.
Nice post.

A book that helped highlight some of that for me was:
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Nice-Pleasing-Speaking-Unapologetically-ebook/dp/B076VVH14M/ref=sr_1_1?crid=18P0218HO6NW7&keywords=not+nice+by+aziz+gazipura&qid=1581878090&s=digital-text&sprefix=not+nice+,aps,437&sr=1-1
 

AlmightyBender

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Aug 24, 2012
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Copa and soar giving great perspective as usual.

You gotta internalise what they saying in the following way:
"You are not the problem. But you definitely are the solution".
 

Gozado

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Jan 13, 2019
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OP, just to illustrate a point about your own power, I'm going to go with extremes, for a moment.

SCENARIO A
Let's just assume that

  • you are 100% completely fine the way you are, the way you walk, talk, feel, interact, dress, love, give and hope (and the way you deal with other people)
  • all other people are 100% to blame for all the disappointments you experience, all the sadness and pain and rejection.
Where does that leave you, in terms of any hope of improvement?
  • from other people: a random, unknowable % chance that one day, somehow, someone else may change,
  • 0% chance of your ever being able to do anything at all to improve the situation (because you're already completely in the right)

SCENARIO B (The opposite of A)
Let's just assume that

  • all other people are 100% completely fine the way they are, the way they walk, talk, feel, interact, dress, love, give and hope (and the way they deal with you)
  • you are 100% to blame for all the disappointments you experience, all the sadness and pain and rejection.
Where does that leave you, in terms of any hope of improvement?
  • from other people: 0% chance of your ever being able to do anything at all to improve the situation (because they're already completely in the right)
  • 100% chance that one day, somehow, you may change.

Obviously relationships aren't about percentages. My point is simply that, once you shift your perspective away from hoping that other people will change, you can start to consider how much lies within your own power.

Each of us can only ever change ourselves. None of us can ever (with the exception of inescapable physical violence, like rape) force anyone else to do anything. Even when people are blackmailed, they still have a choice whether or not to pay or to have their private information exposed. And even when we ask nicely, the others may not be willing or may perhaps not even be able to accommodate what we want.

This means you cannot change the others. And they cannot change you. But you are in charge of you.

I understand that it is hurtful and degrading to be treated badly. The ways for you to escape that that are to
  • change how you react to the horrible behaviour, and/or
  • change something about yourself, so that people are less likely to exploit you, and/or
  • change the places you socialise so that you meet proportionately fewer exploitative people.

Perhaps you've heard of this anecdote from the second World War. I don't know whether it is a true story, or legend, but it doesn't matter.

A guard in a concentration camp shouted at one of the prisoners: "Kiss my boots!" but she replied: "No, I won't." He slapped her and yelled: "Don't you know that I could get you killed for disobedience?!" and she replied: "Well, in that case, the decision about whether I live or die lies with you. But the decision about whether or not I will kiss your boots still lies with me."
 
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Rocket-Boy

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Jul 31, 2007
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Its often tough for gay guys who want meaningful relationships rather than hookups.
I have a lot of gay friends and some of them dont just want sex but actually want to connect. Some of the others just want sex.

Its a lot like straight relationships really, its just easier in the gay community to have friends with benefits type scenarios.
 

Moosedrool

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Nibiru

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I don't know. My male friends who are straight (my bros) are all respectful, shy and mannered. Yes, the "awe manne" and "daarsy boys" obviously come out. But we know its mostly about taking the piss and for giggles, playing around. They are all mostly single and complain about finding a suitable female partner. One who has morals and values and who does not have a sexual history that dates back to the dinosaur age.

It's tough out there. Everyone has their own battle to fight. Good luck with yours.
 
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