Funniest jokes you know

fsadulla

Member
Joined
Nov 10, 2011
Messages
16
Pick 'n Pay diagnostic computer

One day, leaning on the bar, Piet says to Klaas ‘My elbow hurts like
hell. I suppose I’d better see a Doctor!’

'Listen, don’t waste your time down at the surgery,’ Klaas replies.

There’s a new diagnostic computer at Pick ‘n Pay’s Pharmacy.

Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s
wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs only fifty
rand…..a lot quicker and better than a doctor – and you get Club card
points.’

So Piet collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Pick ‘n
Pay. He deposits fifty rand; the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.. Ten seconds
later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Piet
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife, his daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture
for good measure.

Piet hurries back to Pick ‘n Pay, eager to check what would happen. He
deposits his fifty rand, pours in his concoction, and awaits for the
results.

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener (aisle 7).

2) Your cat’s having kittens. Get a vet.

3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (aisle 3).

4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

6) And if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will
never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Pick ‘n Pay. Remember, we’re on your side!
 

Stokstert

Executive Member
Joined
Jul 22, 2007
Messages
6,112
Moet liewer nie met oumense sukkel nie!

Ek het gister 'n afspraak met 'n uroloog gehad vir 'n prostaatondersoek . Ek was natuurlik taamlik bekommerd oor die uitslag. Die wagkamer was vol pasiënte. Toe ek na die ontvangsdame gaan, het ek opgelet dat sy 'n groot, onvriendelike vrou was wat gelyk het of sy vir die Spoorweë teen Noorwee kan stoei.

Ek het haar my naam gegee. Sy sê toe in 'n harde, ongeskikte stem:

"Ja jy is op die lys. Jy kom die dokter oor impotensie spreek, reg?"

Al die pasiënte in die wagkamer se koppe het opgeruk en hulle het na my gestaar.

Ek was baie verleë, maar ek het, soos gewoonlik , vinnig herstel en haar in 'n ewe luide stem geantwoord:

"Nee , ek kom doen navraag oor die operasie wat my geslag gaan verander.Maar ek wil nie dieselfde dokter he wat 'n gemors van joune gemaak het nie ."

Die mense in die wagkamer het in luide applous uitgebars .
Moenie met ou mense wat afgetree is sukkel nie.
 

Mister 44

Executive Member
Joined
Nov 10, 2011
Messages
5,779
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Don't **** with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."
 

Arex

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jun 4, 2017
Messages
281
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Joshua is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Joshua is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Joshua."
 

D3nz

Honorary Master
Joined
May 2, 2011
Messages
11,748
Two friends were walking home and this Lady happened to be Blowing a Kiss to one of them ..... from the window of a Single Storey building.

1st friend:
Man, it looks like that Babe is
Blowing kisses at me ...

2nd friend:
Guy leave that babe alone,
Don't pay any attention to her.

(Then the lady signalled to Him to come)

1st friend:
Man the babe is calling me !

2nd friend:
My friend, Don't go.

1st friend:
Why would you ask Me not to go
When a fine Babe like that is calling me?

2nd friend:
Pal, l'm begging you,
Please Don't go, please Don't go

The Friend ignored Him...
And went over to the Lady,
She went to meet Him .
And they both went upstairs.
Suddenly as they were about to have Fun,
They heard a Car honking.

Lady: (on opening the window)
Hell ! That's my Husband!!

1st friend:
Eish ! I'm in Trouble!!

Lady:
Don't worry, just pretend
Like you're the Laundry man
And iron these Clothes,
Pointing at a heap of Clothes.

The Guy spent the whole Day...
Ironing clothes because
The Husband never left home that day.

The next day he went over to his Friend's place.

1st friend:
Pal, can you believe that it was
Clothes and Clothes l ironed
Throughout the day yesterday.

2nd friend:
But I told you not to go.
All those clothes you ironed,
l WASHED THEM THE PREVIOUS DAY !!!
 

wizardofid

Executive Member
Joined
Jul 25, 2007
Messages
6,334
<tehron> i have a question about the english language: are parcel and packet synonym in any way?
<sabretooth> yes
<sabretooth> packet is generally smaller
<sabretooth> but they can be used interchangeably even with a large packet and a small parcel :)
<tehron> i think i can't receive parcels
<sabretooth> Well if you're sending them over TCP probably not
<tehron> :p very helpful
<sabretooth> if you're sending them by UDP, UPS or Royal Mail however they'll likely be dropped anyway
 

D3nz

Honorary Master
Joined
May 2, 2011
Messages
11,748
Tops in Sasolburg will be open tomorrow. Trolley services will not be available, so please bring your own carry bags or help. The open times will be from the time the alarm goes off till the time the armed response gets there.
 

cerebus

Honorary Master
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
39,329
How do you make a cat go woof? Light a match pour petrol on top of the cat and drop the match. Woof

How do you make a dog say miaow? Put him in the freezer take him out when he’s solid and cut him in half with a chainsaw. Miaow
 
Top