Funniest jokes you know

saor

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Feb 3, 2012
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22,624
Some comments from reddit:
What’s the funniest thing that’s happened to you during sex?
Code:
https://old.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/geddif/whats_the_funniest_thing_thats_happened_to_you/
As I was going down on my wife, the cat decided it would be a good time to climb and sit on top of my head. I tried to ignore it, but when she looked down she started laughing so hard that it killed the mood for the rest of the night

Boyfriend was going down on me, he started doing a cookie monster impression while he was down there. Made me laugh so hard i let out a little fart right on his face.

I was going down on my gf in high-school. I was kneeling next to the bed with her legs hanging off the end. I was fully erect and my cat came from under the bed and licked the tip of my penis. Scared the **** out of me. If you have ever felt a cats tounge you'll know how horribly uncomfortable that felt on the tip of my member.
 

Dave

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Aug 31, 2008
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A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a stretcher by two nurses.
“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”
 

Dave

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Aug 31, 2008
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Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rastafarian all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc.

The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a Scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"
 

TooFastTim

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Nov 15, 2006
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Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rastafarian all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc.

The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a Scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

Well, I live halfway between Liverpool and Manchester and I cracked that one off in the office today. The Scousers still aren't talking to me.

Twats :)
 

D3nz

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May 2, 2011
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When your wife keeps her head on your chest and slowly asks
"Dear, do have any women in your life other than me"?
Remember your answer is not important at this time, what is Important is your heartbeat. Keep your heart beat in control.
 

Mister 44

Executive Member
Joined
Nov 10, 2011
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5,779
When your wife keeps her head on your chest and slowly asks
"Dear, do have any women in your life other than me"?
Remember your answer is not important at this time, what is Important is your heartbeat. Keep your heart beat in control.
That's like saying: "Don't think of a pink elephant. Whatever you do, don't think of a pink elephant."
 

Stokstert

Executive Member
Joined
Jul 22, 2007
Messages
6,112
When your wife keeps her head on your chest and slowly asks
"Dear, do have any women in your life other than me"?
Remember your answer is not important at this time, what is Important is your heartbeat. Keep your heart beat in control.
Just answer, and you, with a question instead.
 

JurgensBeMe

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Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
105
The jew-boy gets into the parachute regiment of the IDF and decides to tell his wife about his first day. he goes in the plane and they take him up for his first jump. The jew-boy realises he has a real problem jumping out of the aeroplane. After a hour, the officer tells him... "If you don't jump off this plane I'm gonna **** you in the ass."

His wife then quickly asks him, did you jump? To which he says... "A little at first."
 

cerebus

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Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
39,328
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up
 
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