Giving up a child in SA

The_Donkey

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Not the time or place buddy.
Huh? That's a valid point.

Hole in the Wall is one such a place where you can just go give your child away without any questions asked. It sure beats dumping your kid on the street
 

maumau

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That's really terrible. The blame is more on the guy who got her pregnant then left.

Unfortunately nothing left exept for her to claim child support/grant and raise the child.

Disagree here and I also disagree with "it takes two to make a baby" meaning the father is equally responsible.

100 % up to the girl to use contraception, 100% her problem if she falls pregnant.

Exceptions of course.

/tin foil
 

The_Donkey

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Disagree here and I also disagree with "it takes two to make a baby" meaning the father is equally responsible.

100 % up to the girl to use contraception, 100% her problem if she falls pregnant.

Exceptions of course.

/tin foil
I know of a guy who has like ten kids and is around my age. This is from 6 or 7 different women.

He just impregnates them and leaves them to be.

I would call a man like that more responsible than a woman as he literally has a way of manipulating women into bed.
 

maumau

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I know of a guy who has like ten kids and is around my age. This is from 6 or 7 different women.

He just impregnates them and leaves them to be.

I would call a man like that more responsible than a woman as he literally has a way of manipulating women into bed.

Proves my point. He doesn't stick around for long so the child becomes the mother's problem. Sex is great but pregnancy can be an unwanted consequence.

Agree he's, irresponsible but the women were stupid, unless they wanted the babies.
 

|tera|

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Proves my point. He doesn't stick around for long so the child becomes the mother's problem. Sex is great but pregnancy can be an unwanted consequence.

Agree he's, irresponsible but the women were stupid, unless they wanted the babies.
No jokes.

I did a "how to" search over the weekend on Google.
As soon as I typed how to, the autocomplete changed to "how to get pregnant fast".
I don't enable ad tracking and definitely don't visit sites about pregnancy.
So my only generalisation is that it's due to grants or whatever you call it.
People pop out a child to receive an income.
It's sad and intense at the same time.
 

Sensorei

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What's messed up in SA is the government grant to foster a child is a few hundred per month more than the child support grant paid to unemployed mothers!

Very sad. But there's definitely more to this story than we are being told. I know of at least 5 NGOs in Cape Town with feeding projects. Where is she in SA? What about local churches? There are people and places to ask for help. An able bodied young mother with 1 child does not just give them up because she's hit a rough patch. I know quite a few people who have been in her position. I would start with a drug test and offering her help if she is clean and stays sober until things are back on track.
 

Cius

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There is a place called the lighthouse centre I think near Northgate where babies can be safely abandoned. They started it up to stop moms dumping them in dumpsters and pit toilets I believe. Sad but true.
 

Norrad

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Does the sperm donor not have a job? Surely he ought to be forced to care for the child at a minimum?
Even if he doesn't have a job she can get maintenance from his parents if he cannot afford it. That along with a basic child grant should get her through. She just needs to head to the nearest magistrate's court and they will point her in the right direction free of charge.
 

johnjm

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None. Keep in mind she left friends behind in mid-teens for another world, her peers will generally not be able to relate to her since they'd mostly still live with mom and dad. Also she came from province town to big city as teen and I'd think it's difficult to make good connections at that time. I don't think any of us can really imagine being like 16-17 and having to handle yourself, with no one you know you can call up and ask for help.

:crying:

What is your connection to her? A combination of help from you, social grant and emotional support will allow her to keep the child.

I don’t begin to understand how a mother can let a child go after he or she calls her mom etc. I understand if it’s from birth but at this age? Not sure what goes through the mind.
 

WhiteRaven

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RANT The arrogance in some of these posts is absolutely astounding! I am disgusted that there are people that still believe the responsibility of safe sex lies on the shoulders of only the woman and in this case, it seems a teenage girl. Based on the little bit of information provided it seems she was desperate for care, having no mother to provide it she turned to someone who used her need, for their own advantage. This thinking is as bad as saying a girl in a short skirt was looking to raped. RANT OFF

My heart breaks for this young girl, the responsibility of a child at a young age is extremely daunting. Considering giving her child to a family that could give him/her everything she can't is a selfless act, thinking only of the child's needs and not her own. A decision that will leave her scarred for the rest of her life...

To get context - Does she want to give the child up solely due to financial reasons or is she struggling with being a mother / connecting with the child? Depending on the answer is the the type of advice I can provide.

If you prefer to discuss this outside of the public eye, you are welcome to contact me via PM, I have a good network of councillors and survivors that can lead you in the right direction.
 
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Mars

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I agree that morally the responsibility of a child should rest on both the involved parties but lets be honest, the one taking the risk is the girl. She would be stuck with the consequences if the other person turns out to be unreliable.

The thing that makes me furious, is usually the same people that try and blame the girl in the process are the ones trying to take her options and the rights over her body away from her.
 

WhiteRaven

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I agree that morally the responsibility of a child should rest on both the involved parties but lets be honest, the one taking the risk is the girl. She would be stuck with the consequences if the other person turns out to be unreliable.
Just because a man doesn't carry the child doesn't remove his risk or consequence, it is sadly a perception that society has normalised...
 

maumau

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RANT The arrogance in some of these posts is absolutely astounding! I am disgusted that there are people that still believe the responsibility of safe sex lies on the shoulders of only the woman and in this case, it seems a teenage girl. Based on the little bit of information provided it seems she was desperate for care, having no mother to provide it she turned to someone who used her need, for their own advantage. This thinking is as bad as saying a girl in a short skirt was looking to raped. RANT OFF

My heart breaks for this young girl, the responsibility of a child at a young age is extremely daunting. Considering giving her child to a family that could give him/her everything she can't is a selfless act, thinking only of the child's needs and not her own. A decision that will leave her scarred for the rest of her life...

To get context - Does she want to give the child up solely due to financial reasons or is she struggling with being a mother / connecting with the child? Depending on the answer is the the type of advice I can provide.

If you prefer to discuss this outside of the public eye, you are welcome to contact me via PM, I have a good network of councillors and survivors that can lead you in the right direction.

That would be me and FYI I am a woman ;)

Just because society declares the male is equally responsible does not make it so, he can disappear into the wild blue yonder whereas the mother cannot.

Practically overrides political correctness in this instance.

EDIT: talking about one night stands and casual relationships here, not long standing love affairs.
 

AntiThesis

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Some (not all) the replies in this thread make me truly sad. I sincerely hope that a lot of you never have kids or at least, the kids that you have already aren't too badly messed up.

1) Sex is everyone's responsibility. However, with how much GBV there is in South Africa at the moment, the burden really does sit squarely with men to stop men from being assholes. This guy has friends, at least one of those friends 100% knows that there's a kid but is not shaming him for not being at least a little supportive.

2) Pregnancy is an unfortunate consequence? Contraception is the woman's problem? Holy **** people. Do you actually hear yourself? Your mom would be ashamed of you. You should be too.

3) Sometimes **** goes south. It sucks. Sometimes you can't see any alternative but to provide the best possible life for your child. If that life isn't with you, that sucks but sometimes you have to make the hard choice.

4) And no, people are not getting pregnant for the grants. That has been proven incorrect through study after study. Don't be a ****.
 

grok

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RANT The arrogance in some of these posts is absolutely astounding! I am disgusted that there are people that still believe the responsibility of safe sex lies on the shoulders of only the woman and in this case, it seems a teenage girl. Based on the little bit of information provided it seems she was desperate for care, having no mother to provide it she turned to someone who used her need, for their own advantage. This thinking is as bad as saying a girl in a short skirt was looking to raped. RANT OFF

My heart breaks for this young girl, the responsibility of a child at a young age is extremely daunting. Considering giving her child to a family that could give him/her everything she can't is a selfless act, thinking only of the child's needs and not her own. A decision that will leave her scarred for the rest of her life...

To get context - Does she want to give the child up solely due to financial reasons or is she struggling with being a mother / connecting with the child? Depending on the answer is the the type of advice I can provide.

If you prefer to discuss this outside of the public eye, you are welcome to contact me via PM, I have a good network of councillors and survivors that can lead you in the right direction.
Not our fault they wanted control of their vaginas, so let them control their bloody vaginas then..

If a woman has veto to abort or keep a baby against the supposed 2-to-make-a-baby's wishes, then its her responsibility to protect her eggs from being fertilized, not that of the sexual partner's.
 

Nanfeishen

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Considering giving her child to a family that could give him/her everything she can't is a selfless act, thinking only of the child's needs and not her own.
:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:

^^^ As an adopted child , this , this , and this.
Sometimes circumstances force people to make difficult choices for the right reason.
2 of the main reason i did a trace on my biological mother was so that i could:
a: let her know that i went to a loving family who gave me a good life
b: to let her know that she wasnt wrong in doing what she felt was right at the time.

/// we remain in communication and still chat regularly
 

Sudo Panic

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Yes, those are the places I'm talking about, there's one near Hillbrow run by nuns.

.... agree though, illegal and the mother would have to be desperate.
My apologies, I interpreted your message incorrectly.
 

eg2505

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terrible decision to have to make,

many of society issues are due to people having unplanned pregnancy,
I think after lockdown,
I think there is going to be a population explosion due to all the couples that had nothing to do but pomp.

not an easy choice, with lifelong consequences
 

WhiteRaven

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If only one of you where around to advise and help this young girl when she needed an adult to guide her, maybe then she wouldn't have to be facing this difficult decision, that will haunt her for years.... even if she keeps her child.

So many of these response have made me extremely sad, as there is so much judgement and so little help, which was the original intention of this post, to provide help. I hope that none of you ever have to face this, never have to watch someone go through this and never have to be judged on this level.

No person is perfect, no person is beyond making a bad decision, not even you.
 

competentboob

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^^^ This. There are maintenance requirements whether or not he wants to admit that the kid is his. She can force the issue if need be. First thing would be to talk to a family law lawyer - very normal for the first consultation to be free so she can get an idea of where to go next.

The lawyer will also be able to put her on to the right people if pursuing maintenance is not an option.

IANAL but there are good people that will help her to make the right choice for herself and her child.

Going legal when you have NO finance to back you against an unknown could turn horribly. What if the sperm donor's family has money and decides to get involved? She could lose custody completely...

Does the sperm donor not have a job? Surely he ought to be forced to care for the child at a minimum?

She doesn't want him in the child's life. From the abuse she's described I can understand that.
 
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