Is my mother out of line and should I do something about it.

scarlett

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Jun 12, 2010
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136
Few things:

Sounds like your parents are insecure due to their business failings (and possibly due to weight - both of them).
Sounds like your husband is rude - dominating a conversation and having little interest in other reflects poorly on yur husband. It is far better to be interested than interesting. His dismissal of them based on business etc is nonsense - he can stil respect them as people and listen totheir opinion even if he doesn't agree.

Sounds like you are trying to "keep the peace" instead of making things right. They are your parents, your husband should respect that and handle them accordingly. On the other hand, he is your husband and you love him - that's fine - but don't confuse it. If he is disrespecting them they have every right to be upset. Doesn't say much about him that he treats them that way, nor about you that you allow it.

Ive read through your comment a few times.
Its really a difficult one because as nice as it would be for my husband to just pretend like everything is fine, everything is not fine.
My parents were very controlling of me growing up, and I started dating my husband when we were still in high school so there is a lot of history. Theres a lot of stuff that we have been through with my parents.

Maybe Ive made my husband sound like he is rude to my parents. He is definitly not rude. He just does not entertain my mom when she goes off on a tangent about what to stop eating, or when my father tells us he wants to test drive some car hes looking at buying when we know that is not possible.

Theres all sorts of complicated bits in the middle too, like my father in law is good friends with my moms childhood friend who can not stand her today. My mom knows this and is absolutely paranoid and thinks my gather in law and this man are conspiring against her. So whenever he is brought up we both quickly shut it down.

I will talk to my husband again about our values and the value we have in family. I will see where we are at in terms of that the next time we see my parents, but I have no control over my husband and nor do I wish to control him. So I dont let him do anything.
My parents have to a large extent ruined their lives in a financial sense because they are to proud to admit and accept their business has failed. Time and time again they pass up opportunities that have come their way to walk away and just retire and live simply. My dad gets a pension of 11k a month as he was employed previously.
Its not much but they could actually live and retire if they really wanted to. But it would mean swallowing their pride and down sizing their lives a bit in terms of what they are renting now etc.
 

scarlett

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136
This is uncanny....you have just described me (your husband), my wife (you) and MY mother and father in exact detail.

It would be interesting to know how old you and your husband are?

We are a family and have to young children. My parents ( your parents) live 6km's away...and we see them maybe 6 times a year, max.

I don't have time for this kind of schit in my life. I have made a new life of my own with my wife and children and my own business. I don't dwell on sentiment or the fact they made me and raised me etc...and they know it.

They do not criticize me, my wife or my children, as I have made it clear that it is not allowed and they have zero say.

My point? This is the time to live YOUR life. If they are a drain on you, financially or emotionally, remove them from your life. Your husband and children come first. If they don't like your husband, your house or even YOU, why are they visiting? Apart from freeloading, borrowing money and criticizing?

Tell them next time they come, they must STFU and enjoy the free stay, or not come at all.
Yes this is basically my husbands attitude. He does not have time for drama. Any drama starts and they get told to pack their bags. (he has done this to his own parents before)
My mom in law is an absolute darling but my father in law and husband have issues -there is physical abuse that happened when my husband was younger. They have since managed to get past that but again, the minute the line is crossed, they are told to leave.

He tolerates my parents and I guess I feel like they should tolerate him if thats how they feel.

My husband and I are mid 30s.
 

WaxLyrical

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Your parents should have a thicker skin. For many being called skinny is actually a compliment, especially with the scourge of obesity

Also, teach them about the current level snowflakery, thats turning society into pansies.
 

scarlett

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136
Your parents should have a thicker skin. For many being called skinny is actually a compliment, especially with the scourge of obesity

Also, teach them about the current level snowflakery, thats turning society into pansies.
I suspect my husband has the build my father always wanted.. and the skinny comment struck a nerve. Also, my husband should have said slim, instead of skinny, but I have no control over what my husband says or does.
 

TheGuy

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My Father was an alcoholic that drank so much in the last years before he's passing that he could not get out of bed to go to the bathroom. My wife and I had to pay for caregivers to be in the house 24/7 to look after my mom with dementia.

Almost half my salary went into helping them make sure they could survive and have everything to be comfortable in the last couple of years they were around.

Out of all these things that happened my wife never said one bad thing about my parents or ever judged them. She only wanted to help.

Surely you guys can muster the courage to let your parents visit you once in a while and put up with their eccentricities. Also helping them once in a while if they need help and its within your means is not a bad thing. Even if you know that its their own stupidity that is causing their problems.

I think as a family you need start communicating with each other. If your dad was offended by the skinny comment (the reason doesn't matter) your husband needs to just apologize and say he didn't mean anything by it. Now it becomes this big blown out thing which could have been addressed in 5 seconds.

From your posts it seems like when you husband doesn't agree with what someone does or says he writes them off or just chase them away. I was a bit like this and my wife had to teach me that acting like means you will end up alone in life. People will disappoint you time and again but as long as you discuss your grievances with them you can move past the issues.
 

TheGuy

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Your parents should have a thicker skin. For many being called skinny is actually a compliment, especially with the scourge of obesity

Also, teach them about the current level snowflakery, thats turning society into pansies.
Its not for you to judge maybe he was teased at school for being skinny and it stuck with him. We all have things about ourselves we don't like.
 

phil77

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It is only a week , put up with their kak , they are old and allowed to be a bit cantankerous .
They are your parents and when they are no longer on this earth you will regret any bad feelings .
I agree with you here. Without knowing the rest of OPs relationship with her parents, I think she might regret treating her parents bad after they are no more. Husband has no real connection to her parents so it will be good riddance to him. Death has a very strange effect on people.
 

MightyQuin

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Try to get your husband to be less passive aggressive around them.
Nonsense...it is his house. They should be less judgemental and sensitive.

They are guests in his house and if they don't like it, they can leave.

Parents love to play the ultimate guilt card against their children. Don't fall for it...
 

Polymathic

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Nonsense...it is his house. They should be less judgemental and sensitive.

They are guests in his house and if they don't like it, they can leave.

Parents love to play the ultimate guilt card against their children. Don't fall for it...
A host should of the common decency of treayit guests as guests.
 

Polymathic

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And a guest should have the common decency to respect the host and the rules of the house.

This isn't a hotel or B&B...although even those have strict rules for the guests as well.
What the OP parents actually do other than tell their daughter they feel disrespected?
 

Venomous

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A host should of the common decency of treayit guests as guests.
While this might be true, but I still agree with MQ more as then in return the guests must also remember that they are guests.

While it is their daughter's home, and they are probably welcomed, it is not their home.
 

Venomous

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What the OP parents actually do other than tell their daughter they feel disrespected?
The parent's need to firstly learn to respect their daughter, her choices and her husband.

Respect while generally offered to parents(biological, adoption or marrige) expect the children to respect them unconditionally. That is not how it works. The parents should in return respect the children, they are now adults after all with their own families.
 

MightyQuin

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I like to see you handle a whole evening full of snide and passive aggressive insults thrown at you.
And I'd like to see someone try that...I'd tell them to GTFO.

The parents are in the wrong here, period.
 

Polymathic

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The parent's need to firstly learn to respect their daughter, her choices and her husband.

Respect while generally offered to parents(biological, adoption or marrige) expect the children to respect them unconditionally. That is not how it works. The parents should in return respect the children, they are now adults after all with their own families.
Again from the parents perspective they have spent an evening of passive aggressive insults and the skinny comment is the one the straw that broke the camel's back. I think the husband is the main instigator here.

What also points me to this conclusion is the way the OP describes her husband seems to over compensating. Compared that do the description nof her parents, it's almost like she is fishing for responses that back her cognitive bias.
 

The_Mowgs

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My Father was an alcoholic that drank so much in the last years before he's passing that he could not get out of bed to go to the bathroom. My wife and I had to pay for caregivers to be in the house 24/7 to look after my mom with dementia.

Almost half my salary went into helping them make sure they could survive and have everything to be comfortable in the last couple of years they were around.

Out of all these things that happened my wife never said one bad thing about my parents or ever judged them. She only wanted to help.

Surely you guys can muster the courage to let your parents visit you once in a while and put up with their eccentricities. Also helping them once in a while if they need help and its within your means is not a bad thing. Even if you know that its their own stupidity that is causing their problems.

I think as a family you need start communicating with each other. If your dad was offended by the skinny comment (the reason doesn't matter) your husband needs to just apologize and say he didn't mean anything by it. Now it becomes this big blown out thing which could have been addressed in 5 seconds.

From your posts it seems like when you husband doesn't agree with what someone does or says he writes them off or just chase them away. I was a bit like this and my wife had to teach me that acting like means you will end up alone in life. People will disappoint you time and again but as long as you discuss your grievances with them you can move past the issues.
Im siding with this chick
 

The_Mowgs

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Nonsense...it is his house. They should be less judgemental and sensitive.

They are guests in his house and if they don't like it, they can leave.

Parents love to play the ultimate guilt card against their children. Don't fall for it...
But should both parties not compromise a bit? Even though the parents are guests I always say its only for a short while so lets comprise for now.

It's like the kid next door informing us he will be having his 21st on Saturday, its going to be loud and we will probably struggle to sleep that evening but its only one night.
 
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