Is my mother out of line and should I do something about it.

MightyQuin

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It's like the kid next door informing us he will be having his 21st on Saturday, its going to be loud and we will probably struggle to sleep that evening but its only one night.
Tell the kid that all's fine and dandy, as long as the noise stops at 10pm or whatever the law says.

Otherwise go have your party at a restaurant or club.
 

Venomous

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Again from the parents perspective they have spent an evening of passive aggressive insults and the skinny comment is the one the straw that broke the camel's back. I think the husband is the main instigator here.

What also points me to this conclusion is the way the OP describes her husband seems to over compensating. Compared that do the description nof her parents, it's almost like she is fishing for responses that back her cognitive bias.
When I was 18 I told my mother "Do it your fukking self. You made them." This was said while walking towards the front door.

My baby sister was 2, my brother 4.
It has been more than 3 months since I had been out at night(fri/sat, was still at school so not allowed out Sun-thurs nights unless it was holidays ), they had been making plans every time to go out one or another of their friends places and then to drink.
While I love my siblings I am not their mother.

My mom hardly spoke to me for 2 weeks. Then we had a convo and it was decided that we'll alternate.
By the time I turned 20 my other brother was 17 so I declared that I might stand in once a month as he does not need a babysitter and he was capable of looking after the little ones.
(I was also out most week nights)



And then more recently I used it on his parents. By the time I did well over a week of tension and snide remarks were enough. While I did after the fact apologise for swearing(not for what I said, not what they had a problem with, I categorically stated this) I did not AND will not apologise for anything else. It's not their home it's ours. They are always welcome as guests, but that's where it ends.
 

Anti-Chris

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@scarlett Why didn't your father take it up with your husband immediately if he felt that offended? If he is not up too confrontation with your husband then he has no right to try and intimidate you when your husband is not around. You and your husband is 1. If you allow other to critise him it will eventually drive a wedge between you two. You will start to believe what they say and lose respectt for you husband. Don't allow it! If anyone has anything to say about him, let them say it to his face, if they are not up to it, then they've got nothing to say.
 

spiff

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My parents came to stay for a week, we don’t see them often – live 5 hours away.

My husband is a strong personality, he is successful, works very hard, and has achieved a lot in his career in a short amount of time. He is ambitious, confident, stubborn, head strong, witty and extremely intelligent. My mom is a kind person, but she is over the top, dramatic, controlling, and dominates my father. My father is older, hes 75 and still working, he is a real artisan, is passionate about his interests, extremely old fashioned, very proud, he and my mom think very highly of themselves lets put it that way. My parents have had a failing business for decades, they have liquidated properties, everything ..to put into this failing business and basically live on the bread line.

They borrow money from us when things are really tough and have borrowed from other family members have not been able to pay them back.

Be.
from my personal experience with my parents and other people - get rid of negative - emotionally draining people from your lives. even if they are family!

you'll be so much happier!
 

Nick333

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House guests and fish, both start to stink after a while. If your guests and your family are starting to step on each others toes it's time for your guests to go. I also have very little patience with people's drama, and really, getting offended by the skinny comment and then wanting to attack your husbands character is just fccking childish. I'm a skinny male and I can't think of ever having gotten offended by anyone referencing the fact. I suspect that it's mom who is used to dominating her household who really has a problem with your husband being the dominant presence in yours. Tough shyt, his house.
 

scarlett

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Try to get your husband to be less passive aggressive around them.
Yes, he is passive aggressive around them.
I think he is very frustrated, and finds my mom in particular very draining. Im not sure how I could stop him from being passive aggressive, other than mentioning to him that Ive noticed he is this way with them and so perhaps he will be more aware of what he says in future.
 

Surv0

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This sort of thing spirals into an all out disaster if you dont adult up and discuss things. Put all the problems down and discuss them openly, apologize where deserved and agree to pay more attention to the things each doesnt appreciate.

Ive seen people go down this road and it took a big fight and a long emotional discussion to sort it all out eventually.
 

scarlett

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House guests and fish, both start to stink after a while. If your guests and your family are starting to step on each others toes it's time for your guests to go. I also have very little patience with people's drama, and really, getting offended by the skinny comment and then wanting to attack your husbands character is just fccking childish. I'm a skinny male and I can't think of ever having gotten offended by anyone referencing the fact. I suspect that it's mom who is used to dominating her household who really has a problem with your husband being the dominant presence in yours. Tough shyt, his house.
Thats what I was trying to convey to my mom -that I feel like shes attacked my husbands character. All that does is hurt me, so what is the point. Does she want me to go and tell.my husband all of this, what is the point. I said to her that I also have opinions on her and my father and how they act and do things but I keep it to myself because thats crossing boundaries.
 

Daruk

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You left your parents to join your husband. If you have to choose, which it sounds like you do, you should choose him over them every time. Unless he’s being unfaithful, they have no place telling you how to run your marriage. What to eat is another story - you can write that off - but don’t put yourself in a position to have to pick between him and them. They will sort themselves out and come to their senses but they have to know that your marriage and relationship is off bounds. They’re not allowed to interfere there. I believe you can reasonably do that without disrespecting them as your parents. Hard choices, hope you come right, but don’t let it slide IMO. Maybe your husband will also “chill” on their side once they’re not in your home. Just remind him he comes first, though he probably knows, he may just need a reminder.
 

RedViking

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My mother-in-law and I used to kill each other. After a couple of days my wife has to almost phone the army to come bring piece in the house. One day we had a sat down and she told me what she thinks about me, and I told her what I think about her. We both had stuff we had to work on. Now we are getting along and when I am irritated she gives me my space, and when she is irritated I give her space. Some things she say I just learned to ignore.
I am also a very direct person and say what is on my mind, had to learn to keep my words back a bit..... Eish but it is not always easy.
 

Nick333

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Yes, he is passive aggressive around them.
I think he is very frustrated, and finds my mom in particular very draining. Im not sure how I could stop him from being passive aggressive, other than mentioning to him that Ive noticed he is this way with them and so perhaps he will be more aware of what he says in future.
Lol. Your hubby and I are alike in that regard. I get very sarcastic when I get tired of listening to people's bull shyt. And, ja getting tired of people's bull shyt is not something I can just turn off. When I was younger I would literally just call people on their BS, but I quickly learned that passive aggression is less immediately destructive. Sarcasm and teasing bsers is like a pressure valve, it keeps me from getting in people's faces. It doesn't resolve anything though, so I try to avoid people who annoy me.

Honestly, I think you just need to tolerate your folks k@k until they leave, then make future visits shorter and fewer in future.
 

TechGirl04

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@scarlett I have a very similar situation with my mother, luckily my father isn't the same. My mother thinks she knows everything. If she thinks the sky is purple, she will argue and try justify it, she just cannot be wrong. And she also ALWAYS offers unwanted 'advice', more like commands.

My boyfriend has a strong personality and doesn't take s$!t, he stands up to my mother when she is irrational, rightfully so. My mom has spoken badly about my boyfriend to me and it pisses me off too. I can't comment on the financial side of things, but in terms of what she said about your husband; I would recommend you talk to your mother and tell her your husband is exactly that - your husband, end of story. Either she accepts him (doesn't talk badly about him etc) and behaves in your house or it will negatively affect your relationship with her and your dad even more, and ultimately, their grandchild.
 
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scarlett

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Again from the parents perspective they have spent an evening of passive aggressive insults and the skinny comment is the one the straw that broke the camel's back. I think the husband is the main instigator here.

What also points me to this conclusion is the way the OP describes her husband seems to over compensating. Compared that do the description nof her parents, it's almost like she is fishing for responses that back her cognitive bias.
That may he very true. I am loyal to my husband and that makes me biased. I do not take kindly to any crisitsm of him. I do not believe my husband was trying to snipe at my father by referring to him as skinny. But I will have to actually discuss that with him to find out for sure. I think my biggest issue here is the way my father lambasted me as if I were a child (when I actually had nothint to do with jt) and how my mother then at a later stage attacked my husbands character. When I said to her it really hurts me that you feel that way about him, she said oh but we love him. We absolutely love him to bits. So what is it then.
 

WaxLyrical

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I suspect my husband has the build my father always wanted.. and the skinny comment struck a nerve. Also, my husband should have said slim, instead of skinny, but I have no control over what my husband says or does.
Sounds like lots of self esteem issues there. At his age going to be tough to change his mindset that in life youre going to be called names be it fat, short, thin, tall,ugly, etc. You have to man up and deal with it. Much bigger things to worry about. This thread reminds me of this:

 

Cius

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Family relationships are important too, especially for younger kids. What you are experiencing is fairly minor compared to some families so I would not blow it out of proportion. Work on mutual respect as much as possible and it does not hurt to be understanding. It sounds like you have big issues with their business and financial decisions and the burden that is placing on you and that is at the root of the issue. Perhaps lay down some ground rules and state you are not comfortable putting more money into the business. If you are willing to help support them (something I highly recommend, abandoning the aged is a terrible scourge in the world today) do so in a way that preserves their dignity as much as possible.

Working into your 70's is something admirable I feel. Anyways, good luck, hope it works out. Family feuds and breaks are generally painful and worth a little effort to try avoid. Even if it means sucking it up for a few days a year to preserve the relationship. Remember old people can get more stubborn and opinionated in their old age, but one day it will be your turn. Treat them the way you hope to be treated.
 

Nick333

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Thats what I was trying to convey to my mom -that I feel like shes attacked my husbands character. All that does is hurt me, so what is the point. Does she want me to go and tell.my husband all of this, what is the point. I said to her that I also have opinions on her and my father and how they act and do things but I keep it to myself because thats crossing boundaries.
Exactly. No ones perfect, and you can find reason to criticise anyone. If you focus on someone's flaws you can make almost anyone seem like a bad person. Your mom trying to get you to see your husband from her less than favourable perspective is pretty toxic, so maybe you do actually have to let her know that it's not on, and that it's a deal breaker. She doesn't have to like your husband, but she does have to accept that you do. It's seems that you're aware of your husbands flaws, but accept them because he has more positive aspects. In fact his flaws and positives seem to be two sides of the same coin. Not everyone is going to love him and not everyone has to, but you seem to love him and unless hes actually causing anyone real harm, no one has the right to try and turn you against him, not even your mother. Perhaps, especially your mother since it seems pretty clear why she doesn't like him - he's a more likable version of her.
 

scarlett

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I like to see you handle a whole evening full of snide and passive aggressive insults thrown at you.
It certainly wasnt an evening of insults.
I actually thought it was a very nice evening, until the next morning.
 

Daruk

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My mother-in-law and I used to kill each other. After a couple of days my wife has to almost phone the army to come bring piece in the house. One day we had a sat down and she told me what she thinks about me, and I told her what I think about her. We both had stuff we had to work on. Now we are getting along and when I am irritated she gives me my space, and when she is irritated I give her space. Some things she say I just learned to ignore.
I am also a very direct person and say what is on my mind, had to learn to keep my words back a bit..... Eish but it is not always easy.
Yoh, didn’t realize you were such a drama queen! :p
 

Sam123456

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OP - I see a concern here for the mere fact of suggesting you are comfortable with your husband losing respect for your parents, let alone the fact that you have lost respect for your parents. Your parents are your parents, like it or not. Most people secretly wish they could change their parents, because they know this is an impossibility. If given the chance to actually do it, I doubt very much that many would go through with it.

You firstly need to get yourself into line and fix your relationship with your parents - If you don't, you more often than not end up regretting this when the time comes that they are no longer on this earth. I am not condoning you supporting them financially when they mess up - Talk to them, make them realize how you feel when they constantly borrow money from you, let them think of the consequences of their actions, and what it is doing to your parent-child relationship. If they decide that it is one worth keeping, which every good set of parents would decide, then this problem should begin alleviating.
Secondly, get your husband into line; He chose to marry you, knowing your family and what comes with you as a package deal. By letting him lose respect for your parents, you are subconsciously letting him lose respect for you as well - From the way you talk about him, I sense already some form of you positioning him higher than yourself. Note, this is not necessarily a bad thing, and every relationship is unique in that sense, and perhaps this is the way you prefer. What is necessarily a bad thing, is you letting him disrespect your parents. This needs to be put an end to immediately, as clearly it affects you, or you wouldn't have gone through the trouble of putting together the eloquent post on the issue that you have.

Fix these two fundamental issues that you are in control of first, and then see where this goes - The way forward will play itself out. My 2 cents. :)
 
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