Is my mother out of line and should I do something about it.

yebocan

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Sep 22, 2005
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Your house, your rules. If your parents don't like it they can find somewhere else to stay.
Correct...that is my motto....when you under my roof, my rules.

I find if in a grown up child-parent conflict...if the parent has not gotten to the stage of seeing their offspring as adult,...they still still see a child, and treat them accordingly.
 

The_Mowgs

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Nov 23, 2009
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Tell the kid that all's fine and dandy, as long as the noise stops at 10pm or whatever the law says.

Otherwise go have your party at a restaurant or club.
That I understand yes but what I meant was that I dont mind if its once or twice or even 4 times a year, I will compromise a bit because it is not happening every single day.

If her parents lived with them then I personally would say no ****tthisshit you need to leave please.

I also understand that we dont need negative people in our lives but I believe we should have some tolerance towards each other.
 

cool_gi

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Feb 1, 2011
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It is only a week , put up with their kak , they are old and allowed to be a bit cantankerous .
They are your parents and when they are no longer on this earth you will regret any bad feelings .
well said. cant agree more. when we were small they put up with a lot of our Kak!
 

Vis1/0N

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Mar 10, 2009
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I think my biggest issue here is the way my father lambasted me as if I were a child (when I actually had nothint to do with jt) and how my mother then at a later stage attacked my husbands character. When I said to her it really hurts me that you feel that way about him, she said oh but we love him. We absolutely love him to bits. So what is it then.
a very nice evening, until the next morning.
People are allowed to argue, criticise, lose their temper, speak their mind, vent, and take offence on occasion. And make up, or come to some agreement, understand each other.

You should not let yourself bleed to death from a single pin prick, or a cut that you can patch. OTOH if your kind person, over the top, dramatic, controlling, dominating, draining mom and passive frustrating dad that you see very rarely - if they are serial offenders then maybe it is best to cut them out.
 

R13...

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And people who have the need to dominate a conversation can often be because of negative psychological issues. There's a crude way of putting it with "...just like to hear themselves talk..." I heard in a rap song somewhere lol.
 

Daruk

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You firstly need to get yourself into line and fix your relationship with your parents
No you don't. You need to make sure things are right with your hubby first. If you can fix things with your parents, absolutely do what you can, but if fixing things with them means sending them home early, then so be it. Your marriage takes priority. There's no reason you can't still have a good relationship with them while keeping your distance for the sake of your marriage. Your parents do not take priority over your spouse IMO. My 5c :)
Nothing wrong with making both relationships work, just make sure your spouse is #1 and he knows it.
 

scarlett

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Jun 12, 2010
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136
A lot of the comments have brought fourth the realization that I hold my husband in very high regard. Almost sure this is taken to be a bad thing by some of the comments. I also find the comments that suggest that it is wrong to be complacent with the fact that my husband has lost respect for my parents interesting. I guess even though we live relatively far away from eachother when we are together we are in eachothers pockets. I think this is a dynamic my mom breeds. Like we all in eachothers business. Theres no healthy distance and space between us. I know my older sister who is also married and has children of her own climb into bed with my parents when they stay with her. My parents love telling me about it, and how loving she is. I told my mother that I will never be climbing into bed with them for a snuggle or chat. That isnt me, and I am not my sister. I am in some ways the black sheep of my family. I always rejected my mothers controlling ways whereas my sister embraced it and shared everything with her.

I guess Ive given up in a way and need to re evaluate what it is family stands for. I think going forward I want to try to put more value in my parents as the people they are and try to set aside my opinions on the way they live their lives, as long as it does not affect me - so serving as cash flow for their business will have to cease. I realise my dad is getting on in years and wont be around forever so theres that too.

My husband has the attitude that our nuclear family meaning him, myself and our child are all that matters, and he does not need anyone else.. while we should be most important I think he needs to see that other family is important too and realise the value of having good family times, especially for our child.

As I get older I realise more and more, and someone mentioned it too ..that people will dissapoint you time and time again.
People are imperfect and you have to look for the good, otherwise everyone is a bad person if we just focus on what they do wrong. I also think I need to care less about how my parents view my husband. If they want to believe he is a certain way, they will regardless of whether its justified or not. I know him and I know whats real. Ive set the boundary now and let my mother know my husbands character is not up for discussion. She then sent me a Maya Angelou quote about.. its not what you say its how you make someone feel.

Ive chatted to my sister about all this and she says, we have not time for petty things. Easy for her to say... she has a temper and so my parents wouldnt dare criticize her husband.. guess thats the perks of being the favorite too. Ohh what does that last sentence say about me.. hmm.
Aaand.... Im out.
 

scarlett

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Jun 12, 2010
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I spoke to my husband about what happened last night as my parents left a while ago. He got quite cross about it, the fact that my dad lambasted be in my own house about something he had said to my father with no ill intention.
He also said he could sit down and write a long list of all the things that have been said to him recently, and over the years that offended him. But he just let that stuff go. He said they need to grow up.
So I think I have made the relationship even more fragile now, but my husband says our child must know the grandparents and everything, but he will just keep them at a distance during future visits.
The previous time they visited my husband was very distant, and so this time, I said Id really like him to make them feel extra welcome etc so he did, and then this happened. So yeah.. family relationships can be so complicated, and actually quite pathetic. I sometimes dont really know why I bother trying to keep the peace.
 

Ho3n3r

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Again from the parents perspective they have spent an evening of passive aggressive insults and the skinny comment is the one the straw that broke the camel's back. I think the husband is the main instigator here.

What also points me to this conclusion is the way the OP describes her husband seems to over compensating. Compared that do the description nof her parents, it's almost like she is fishing for responses that back her cognitive bias.
If they find him that hard to live with, perhaps they should refrain from visiting his(and their daughter's) house.
 

Ho3n3r

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from my personal experience with my parents and other people - get rid of negative - emotionally draining people from your lives. even if they are family!

you'll be so much happier!
Exactly. I haven't spoken to my father for 5 years, and it's been the best 5 years of my life, emotionally. No more guilt trips, emotional manipulation or general feeling of not being worthy of being their child, or even alive.
 

scarlett

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Jun 12, 2010
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Exactly. I haven't spoken to my father for 5 years, and it's been the best 5 years of my life, emotionally. No more guilt trips, emotional manipulation or general feeling of not being worthy of being their child, or even alive.
And do you think you will have any negative feelings in terms of regret when your father passes away?
As thats what I keep coming back to, none of this crap matters - what matters is good family times together, good memmories. But it seems with each year that passes, its harder and harder to cut through the BS. And all the issues.
 

Ho3n3r

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And do you think you will have any negative feelings in terms of regret when your father passes away?
As thats what I keep coming back to, none of this crap matters - what matters is good family times together, good memmories. But it seems with each year that passes, its harder and harder to cut through the BS. And all the issues.
Absolutely not. But I guess our relationship worked a little differently to the one you have with your parents.

Let me put it this way - I walked away from home after matric, and returned after a few weeks. I wish I never returned.
 
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