Is my mother out of line and should I do something about it.

scarlett

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Jun 12, 2010
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136
Absolutely not. But I guess our relationship worked a little differently to the one you have with your parents.

Let me put it this way - I walked away from home after matric, and returned after a few weeks. I wish I never returned.
Im Sure you have your reasons.
Basically, in my situation - I feel like everybody is imperfect. We all have our ways, and our issues.
Part of being a family is looking past that, and loving the person depsite their flaws.
But its peoples flaws that make up their outlook on life, and situations, and its like things are tainted.
It just makes everything so complicated, and issues compact on top of eachother, and after a while I think you wonder whats real and what isnt. - Am I looking at this situation, what this person said, or what this person did through a window of my own insecurities and issues.
 
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Ho3n3r

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My husband has the attitude that our nuclear family meaning him, myself and our child are all that matters, and he does not need anyone else.. while we should be most important I think he needs to see that other family is important too and realise the value of having good family times, especially for our child.
I'm exactly the same as your husband. Our business is nobody else's, they don't pay our bills or live our lives, or deal with our problems. When we started dating, my wife went to my parents' home with me the first time, and then never again for about 2 years, because my father didn't like her or our relationship and made sure she knew it. Instead of getting upset about it, I understood exactly where she's coming from, even though I would have preferred her being with me. And she didn't tell me, I told her that she can stay away if she wants.

When my mom comes to visit, I make sure my wife is 100% OK with it before we organise anything.

Luckily her direct family stay out of our business, so I don't mind visiting them, or vice versa, because they never expect us to deal with their issues. Her extended family are loons, though - we only see them at weddings/funerals now.
 

scarlett

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Jun 12, 2010
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136
My motto as well. The issues came in because he makes his issues his children's problems.
Yeah, I think that for most parents - this is almost inevitable. You raise your kids,and then they look back as adults and see you and all your flaws because lets face it, theres no hiding stuff from the people you live with or have lived with.
I think its the parents who know what their problems are, and dont let them define the relationship with their kid that are the best people and the best parents.

I know a very small number of parents, who have really good happy and healthy relationships with their adult children - and to me, those people have really found the key to life. I admire those people so much.
They have the ability to see through their own issues and problems, instead of letting them taint the way they see things and handle situations. Its like self awareness.
 

scarlett

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Jun 12, 2010
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136
I'm exactly the same as your husband. Our business is nobody else's, they don't pay our bills or live our lives, or deal with our problems. When we started dating, my wife went to my parents' home with me the first time, and then never again for about 2 years, because my father didn't like her or our relationship and made sure she knew it. Instead of getting upset about it, I understood exactly where she's coming from, even though I would have preferred her being with me. And she didn't tell me, I told her that she can stay away if she wants.

When my mom comes to visit, I make sure my wife is 100% OK with it before we organise anything.

Luckily her direct family stay out of our business, so I don't mind visiting them, or vice versa, because they never expect us to deal with their issues. Her extended family are loons, though - we only see them at weddings/funerals now.
Yes I think to a large extent my mom inserts herself in our business. Instead of keeping a healthy distance.
So she probably feels like me not telling her all out nitty gritty's is blocking her out, when in fact Im actually just trying to preserve our relationship.

It sounds like your dad was really hard to deal with. I wonder why people alienate their children though the way your dad did. Like whats the point of having kids then. Totally baffles me.
 

GoB

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Jan 7, 2008
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Honestly, I think you just need to tolerate your folks k@k until they leave, then make future visits shorter and fewer in future.
I'm leaning towards this more each year.

They don't want to address their inconsiderate behaviour, so I will simply remain an example of how to behave instead.

If they do question why I don't feel like visiting frequently, I can simply tell them why.

This way my kids get to enjoy having grandparents, my parents get to feel like they have a good relationship with us, and we limit unpleasant time with them.


I find if in a grown up child-parent conflict...if the parent has not gotten to the stage of seeing their offspring as adult,...they still still see a child, and treat them accordingly.
True, and they confuse giving no credit to maintaining a family hierarchy.
For some reason this applies to all but the eldest sibling in my case, even though the younger ones are more mature.
 

Sam123456

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Nov 22, 2018
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More importantly than all of this, can we all agree on a time when we get to meet this amazing husband of yours? He certainly sounds the closest thing to James Bond I've heard of.
 

Lucas Buck

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My parents are old and do old people shitt...
Some old folk take offense to the strangest things, ignore good advice and are set in their ways. You just need to navigate around their peculiarities, do the best that you can for them, be firm (not rude) when you need to, but also understand that you can't change them.
When one of your parents dies you'll come to the realisation that some of the issues that upset you now, would not have been such a big deal if you handled the situation differently.
Even though they're your parents you're the adult now and they're the ones who are becoming more child like in their behaviour. So you can either be right and take the moral high ground or try and work on your relationship with them.
 
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MightyQuin

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Oct 6, 2010
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More importantly than all of this, can we all agree on a time when we get to meet this amazing husband of yours? He certainly sounds the closest thing to James Bond I've heard of.
Nothing wrong with the husband.

He just doesn't take any kuk from her overbearing, lifesucking, moneygrubbing, irritating as fuk parents. I am exactly the same.

My first and foremost focus is my wife and my 2 kids...my parents and hers take a farflung backseat in our lives, although her dad is actually one of my best friends, but her mom is a real vampire.

My wife agrees, of her own free will of course.

Between 2 jobs, 2 kids in school, my company and our house to run etc. we don't have time for 40 years worth of the same old stories on repeat, the attempted guilt trips, the passive aggressive bullshcit etc...you know, all the stuff parents specialize in.
 

HennieWelkom

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Oct 21, 2018
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658
When I say how they behave – my dad cant even make a sandwich, my mother has to do everything for him
the bitch clearly knows her place... in front of the snackwhich machine.
Later when I was alone with my mother I brought this up, and my mom went on to say that to be described as “skinny” is extremely offensive etc, and then my mom proceeded to tell me that they find my husband to dominate conversation, and whenever they have something to say my husband isnt interested, and they feel like what they are saying is not important.
Maybe if your parents don't enjoy the conversation they should stop begging for a loan and just leave.

Yes. Never invite them back to your house.
I don't know brah if she has skills with the snackwhich machine I would be tempted to keep her around, a little pastrami on rye when you come back home from work, I could get used to that.
 
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