Mental health. Tips and coping mechanisms

[|tera|]

So...

I met a lady at the hospital a while back when collecting my meds.
She seemed fine at first and we chatted a bit, she asked for my number and I gave it (shouldn't have),
For the last 4 weeks she's been sending me messages regarding her relationship with her BF and asking for "advice",
I didn't give any, since I hardly know her and I basically told her to sort it out herself and be independent in life.
She was physically hurt a while back and needed an operation of some sorts.
She sends me a message she's going for the procedures, I say all the best and hope she gets sorted.
She responds a day later with a message to say she's beyond help according to the doctors (nerve damage).

I ignore it, since she uses expletives and CAPS. Typical FB boere tannie style, but with swearing.
Yesterday she sends a long message, effectively shouting at me and that she is going to kill herself.

Sorry, I'm busy preparing for an important interview for work.
I don't have time to nurse anyone psychologically. I'm not a chatty person, hence I prefer a forum.

I blocked her today on WA and my Call Manager,

Am I wrong here?
Is it my duty to console a random stranger based on her life and issues?
Am I wrong deciding to focus on myself and a possible future employer?

I can't do "friends". My real friends aren't like this.

 

[Sinbad]

You're not wrong.

Gotta take care of yourself to even start to be able to take care of others.

 

[|tera|]

You're not wrong.

Gotta take care of yourself to even start to be able to take care of others.

For some silly reason I feel guilty and I know I shouldn't.
Thanks for confirming that my decision isn't wrong.

 

[Crayons]

Getting some BJ's always makes me feel better

 

[zolly]

Well done to the OP for starting this thread.

I would like to be clear that I haven't been formally diagnosed with anything, but am aware I am a highly anxious human being at times. Also, my father is what I would describe as having bipolar tendencies (extreme mood swings, which sometimes resulted in shouting/yelling/domestic violence) and am aware that I have likely gained some of his emotional issues (thankfully not the outbursts of violence). In the past I also went through a dark depression where I was okay with the idea of not waking up, followed by a short period where I considered suicide.

Here are things that I can genuinely say helped me manage my emotions during various periods of my life:

1) Exercise

During my darkest days I would just not want to wake up, and my appetite completely disappeared. I was always a skinny guy but I dropped to about 51kgs and looked like an absolute twig at 1.7 meters. I realised when I was actively looking for painless ways to kill myself, I knew I had to do something, not for myself but to spare my family the grief of me taking my own life. I read online that exercise is great for combating depression so I started each day with 10 sit ups and 10 pushups. This was very difficult at first but I stuck with it.

Slowly I noticed my mood improve, and the return of my appetite. I began to put on weight and eventually got to the point where I weighed about 65kgs and squatting about 45kgs for multiple reps. I know for some guys this isn't a lot but I was very happy with this. I also looked incredibly good and it was a big boost to my self-esteem. I eventually lost interest in weight lifting and even though I lost weight (I reverted to about 60-61kgs since I wasn't really exercising and was eating less as a result), thankfully my mood and body didn't revert to back where it was when I started.

2) Talking to someone I trusted

In order to help me process some of my emotions at the time, I spoke a lot to my sister and brother. While I didn't open up about the full extent of what I was going through, they obviously saw the physical state I was in and I talked to them about most of the things I was trying to figure out.

3) Being more "selfish"

I realised I was doing a lot of things to make others, including some of my family, happy at the cost of my own well-being. I decided to be very clear about how I felt when dealing with certain things, and stopped agreeing to do stuff I didn't want to do (obviously within reason, I didn't just stop helping people).

4) Devouring every piece of learning material I could to help myself better understand myself and my issues

I read a lot of self-help books and other online materials on mental health, as well as some of the stuff I was dealing with (such as my uncomfortable relationship with porn at the time).

5) Developing and implementing "automated" responses for many of my negative emotions

Now this is a bit tricky to describe, and took me a while to figure out. Also, this isn't a "fix" but it is something that helps me reduce my levels of anxiety and other negative feelings.

As I described before, I used to be (and in some ways, still am) a very anxious person. Like, to the point where if someone breaks their regular patterns of behaviour (or patterns of behaviour I have picked up from elsewhere) I always assume the worst.

Here are two examples of this:

1) My girlfriend would read my texts and not respond – My immediate assumption early on in my relationship was that she was upset with me and was ignoring me. This was because this is what my ex would do to me. Lo and behold she would often reply a short while later and apologise, saying that she was busy with something and had to wrap that up first.

2) My girlfriend would not check her phone in the morning for hours, even though I had sent her messages late the night before (she sometimes oversleeps and has to rush to work) – This made me think that she'd been attacked or murdered during a house robbery (they have had a home invasion in the past that could have easily ended this way). (Thankfully we have talked about this, and she will now sometimes send me an emoji to let me know if she is fine but busy, or she will simply type a quick message to let me know she will reply asap).

So let's be clear: the two situations I've described above don't come out of nowhere. Both of them could be possible, but, at least in my experience, these are not the first assumptions most people would make. In order to help me get through my day, over time I develop a "logical voice" that responds to the "anxious voice" for each difficult thought that I have.

When the anxious voice goes "Oh dear, your brother is late from work! He's died in a car accident!", my logical voice steps in and replies "Or he's probably busy with something and has gotten delayed." When my anxious voice goes "Your girlfriend hasn't replied, she must be cheating on you!", my logical voice goes "She's probably already asleep because you know she passes out by 9 PM". Etc etc.

To be clear, this process takes time. Basically, I come up with a "reasonable" response to every "unreasonable" emotion I have (usually connected with anxiety) and use it to keep my automatic anxious response in check. By repeating these "logical" messages to myself, over time they become automatic and help me keep my negative emotions lower than they would otherwise be, even if it doesn't get rid of them entirely.

 

[saor]

Am I wrong here?

Nope.

Helping strangers if we can is fine, but strangers who coerce or abuse you into helping them is definitely not cool. Even if they were being friendly and you felt you couldn't or didn't want to - you're well within your rights to block them without feeling bad about it.

 

[w1z4rd]

Exercise (mentioned already), sunlight, get a pet (like a dog or a cat). Good luck, hope you feel better soon.

 

[|tera|]

Well done to the OP for starting this thread.

I would like to be clear that I haven't been formally diagnosed with anything, but am aware I am a highly anxious human being at times. Also, my father is what I would describe as having bipolar tendencies (extreme mood swings, which sometimes resulted in shouting/yelling/domestic violence) and am aware that I have likely gained some of his emotional issues (thankfully not the outbursts of violence). In the past I also went through a dark depression where I was okay with the idea of not waking up, followed by a short period where I considered suicide.

Here are things that I can genuinely say helped me manage my emotions during various periods of my life:

1) Exercise

During my darkest days I would just not want to wake up, and my appetite completely disappeared. I was always a skinny guy but I dropped to about 51kgs and looked like an absolute twig at 1.7 meters. I realised when I was actively looking for painless ways to kill myself, I knew I had to do something, not for myself but to spare my family the grief of me taking my own life. I read online that exercise is great for combating depression so I started each day with 10 sit ups and 10 pushups. This was very difficult at first but I stuck with it.

Slowly I noticed my mood improve, and the return of my appetite. I began to put on weight and eventually got to the point where I weighed about 65kgs and squatting about 45kgs for multiple reps. I know for some guys this isn't a lot but I was very happy with this. I also looked incredibly good and it was a big boost to my self-esteem. I eventually lost interest in weight lifting and even though I lost weight (I reverted to about 60-61kgs since I wasn't really exercising and was eating less as a result), thankfully my mood and body didn't revert to back where it was when I started.

2) Talking to someone I trusted

In order to help me process some of my emotions at the time, I spoke a lot to my sister and brother. While I didn't open up about the full extent of what I was going through, they obviously saw the physical state I was in and I talked to them about most of the things I was trying to figure out.

3) Being more "selfish"

I realised I was doing a lot of things to make others, including some of my family, happy at the cost of my own well-being. I decided to be very clear about how I felt when dealing with certain things, and stopped agreeing to do stuff I didn't want to do (obviously within reason, I didn't just stop helping people).

4) Devouring every piece of learning material I could to help myself better understand myself and my issues

I read a lot of self-help books and other online materials on mental health, as well as some of the stuff I was dealing with (such as my uncomfortable relationship with porn at the time).

5) Developing and implementing "automated" responses for many of my negative emotions

Now this is a bit tricky to describe, and took me a while to figure out. Also, this isn't a "fix" but it is something that helps me reduce my levels of anxiety and other negative feelings.

As I described before, I used to be (and in some ways, still am) a very anxious person. Like, to the point where if someone breaks their regular patterns of behaviour (or patterns of behaviour I have picked up from elsewhere) I always assume the worst.

Here are two examples of this:

1) My girlfriend would read my texts and not respond – My immediate assumption early on in my relationship was that she was upset with me and was ignoring me. This was because this is what my ex would do to me. Lo and behold she would often reply a short while later and apologise, saying that she was busy with something and had to wrap that up first.

2) My girlfriend would not check her phone in the morning for hours, even though I had sent her messages late the night before (she sometimes oversleeps and has to rush to work) – This made me think that she'd been attacked or murdered during a house robbery (they have had a home invasion in the past that could have easily ended this way). (Thankfully we have talked about this, and she will now sometimes send me an emoji to let me know if she is fine but busy, or she will simply type a quick message to let me know she will reply asap).

So let's be clear: the two situations I've described above don't come out of nowhere. Both of them could be possible, but, at least in my experience, these are not the first assumptions most people would make. In order to help me get through my day, over time I develop a "logical voice" that responds to the "anxious voice" for each difficult thought that I have.

When the anxious voice goes "Oh dear, your brother is late from work! He's died in a car accident!", my logical voice steps in and replies "Or he's probably busy with something and has gotten delayed." When my anxious voice goes "Your girlfriend hasn't replied, she must be cheating on you!", my logical voice goes "She's probably already asleep because you know she passes out by 9 PM". Etc etc.

To be clear, this process takes time. Basically, I come up with a "reasonable" response to every "unreasonable" emotion I have (usually connected with anxiety) and use it to keep my automatic anxious response in check. By repeating these "logical" messages to myself, over time they become automatic and help me keep my negative emotions lower than they would otherwise be, even if it doesn't get rid of them entirely.

Thanks for sharing your hints and experiences. I'm sure it could help someone out in future.

Bipolar disorder isn't really mood changes. That's the symptoms. It seems that way.

It's about defending yourself and mind.
Yep, I'm an angry person off-meds. I am violent when I need to defend myself or others. I don't talk a lot. I'm not a sharer as many think i am.

I trust nobody. Therefore I can be flexible with my emotions, whenever I need or want to be. I've never cried, screamed, got angry, laughed and sad in sequence or varied. My emotions don't just flip.

I chose to build barriers around myself, true self, due to people and how they've hurt me. Either emotionally, physically or psychologically. I don't suffer with anxiety, even if I shake and shiver. I'm not scared or feel cornered. I'm fkn angry. Angry inside.

My emotions are best kept in control with meds.

Nope.
Helping strangers if we can is fine, but strangers who coerce or abuse you into helping them is definitely not cool. Even if they were being friendly and you felt you couldn't or didn't want to - you're well within your rights to block them without feeling bad about it.

Thanks saor.
You've explained exactly how I feel about it. I understand she/he/anyone has problems, but we don't just go around screaming at each other and swearing, especially to a stranger or someone you hardly know.

Its fkn attention seeking and I don't want any tannie thanks. I'm way too young for that sht.

Edit: I am only violent when I need to defend myself or others. Sounded like I'm just violent pre-edit.

 

[dabean]

I find my mind (mental voices/rationalisations) to be the enemy.

The more I just adapt to my environment and don't try to shape it the better things tend to go.

Edit: Even if I tense all of my muscles I still can't slow the earth's rotation at all. Fatalism maybe, not nihilism. No point not enjoying the ride.

 

[TribbleZA]

So...

I met a lady at the hospital a while back when collecting my meds.
She seemed fine at first and we chatted a bit, she asked for my number and I gave it (shouldn't have),
For the last 4 weeks she's been sending me messages regarding her relationship with her BF and asking for "advice",
I didn't give any, since I hardly know her and I basically told her to sort it out herself and be independent in life.
She was physically hurt a while back and needed an operation of some sorts.
She sends me a message she's going for the procedures, I say all the best and hope she gets sorted.
She responds a day later with a message to say she's beyond help according to the doctors (nerve damage).

I ignore it, since she uses expletives and CAPS. Typical FB boere tannie style, but with swearing.
Yesterday she sends a long message, effectively shouting at me and that she is going to kill herself.

Sorry, I'm busy preparing for an important interview for work.
I don't have time to nurse anyone psychologically. I'm not a chatty person, hence I prefer a forum.

I blocked her today on WA and my Call Manager,

Am I wrong here?
Is it my duty to console a random stranger based on her life and issues?
Am I wrong deciding to focus on myself and a possible future employer?

I can't do "friends". My real friends aren't like this.

You did the right thing blocking her. You are not responsible for what she is going through nor are you responsible if she kills herself. Though it is unlikely. Most people who do commit suicide don't threaten people with it.

 

[TribbleZA]

 

[Bobbin]

My fiancé and I were recently "subjected" - for lack of better word - to the loss of a friend who decided to take her own life. My fiancé was the one who found her. We are still haunted by it and it is extremely sad. The cause, or final straw perhaps, seemed to be finance related and losing independence, but we're aware she had other demons as well. And strangely she seemed outwardly happy in the final weeks which gave us little warning.

I wish I had good advice for her and for others. But I think true depression makes any rational advice not even matter or make sense. You have to experience it to know what its like. Seems one just loses the will to carry on and that's that.

All I can say is don't be afraid to be a burden when you need to, financially/emotionally/whatever. There might be people in your life who would much rather help than see you go, and in fact it would be a pleasure to have you around even as a 'burden' - which really it's not for the people we care about. Without people you are meaningless, and vice versa, so just reach out to your friends/family if you can. Or make it a mission to fix that if you have none. Please guys/gals

 

[zolly]

Thanks for sharing your hints and experiences. I'm sure it could help someone out in future.

Bipolar disorder isn't really mood changes. That's the symptoms. It seems that way.

It's about defending yourself and mind.
Yep, I'm an angry person off-meds. I am violent when I need to defend myself or others. I don't talk a lot. I'm not a sharer as many think i am.

I trust nobody. Therefore I can be flexible with my emotions, whenever I need or want to be. I've never cried, screamed, got angry, laughed and sad in sequence or varied. My emotions don't just flip.

I chose to build barriers around myself, true self, due to people and how they've hurt me. Either emotionally, physically or psychologically. I don't suffer with anxiety, even if I shake and shiver. I'm not scared or feel cornered. I'm fkn angry. Angry inside.

My emotions are best kept in control with meds.

Thanks saor.
You've explained exactly how I feel about it. I understand she/he/anyone has problems, but we don't just go around screaming at each other and swearing, especially to a stranger or someone you hardly know.

Its fkn attention seeking and I don't want any tannie thanks. I'm way too young for that sht.

Edit: I am only violent when I need to defend myself or others. Sounded like I'm just violent pre-edit.

So my reference to bipolar tendencies wasn't meant to reference your case specifically, nor a full exploration of the condition, but what it might look like for someone on the outside looking in. For me it rang fairly true in my experience with a friend of mine who died a couple of years ago who was diagnosed as bipolar and had mood swings that often resulted in aggressive behaviour, sometimes towards others and sometimes towards herself. I was her emotional buffer at work and sometimes at home (I took numerous calls where she was thinking of taking her own life) and noticed my father had similar emotional patterns to her (he's never been formally diagnosed).

 

[Sensorei]

I trust nobody. Therefore I can be flexible with my emotions, whenever I need or want to be. I've never cried, screamed, got angry, laughed and sad in sequence or varied. My emotions don't just flip.

I chose to build barriers around myself, true self, due to people and how they've hurt me. Either emotionally, physically or psychologically. I don't suffer with anxiety, even if I shake and shiver. I'm not scared or feel cornered. I'm fkn angry. Angry inside.

Sounds familiar. Your anger is what keeps you sick. You will be able to manage your bipolar if you sort out your pain from your past and deal will what happened to make you such an angry and person. Sounds like the person you resent the most is yourself. But you can't get to the root of the problem if you are all numbed up on meds.

Been there... I had a few rough years. Also thought I'd need to stay on meds, and self medicating also just ends up hiding all your pain and anger under so many layers of self pity and denial that it's very hard to deal with without therapy. Psychiatrists are the worst. Like the saying says there is no chemical solution for a spiritual problem.

 

[|tera|]

Sounds familiar. Your anger is what keeps you sick. You will be able to manage your bipolar if you sort out your pain from your past and deal will what happened to make you such an angry and person. Sounds like the person you resent the most is yourself. But you can't get to the root of the problem if you are all numbed up on meds.

Been there... I had a few rough years. Also thought I'd need to stay on meds, and self medicating also just ends up hiding all your pain and anger under so many layers of self pity and denial that it's very hard to deal with without therapy. Psychiatrists are the worst. Like the saying says there is no chemical solution for a spiritual problem.

There's a saying which says, forgive and forget.

I've done it multiple times, too many to count. I don't resent myself, far from it.
I don't resent people and I'm not a bitter person. On the contrary, I'm a very positive and joyful person. Even now. Today.

I'm legitimately angry. For the way I'm treated, insulted, offended and ignored.

Would you be happy or choose to be happy if your family or people you know treat you with disdain, talk behind your back, mock you and ridicule you? Scream and swear at you and threaten you?

Would you be happy about that knowing it's not just part of the past, but a guaranteed future of the same maltreatment based on recurrence for years and years?

No my friend. Life isn't black and white.

People stigmatise, generalise and are pure imbeciles towards that which they don't understand.

I've been diagnosed for 15+ years and nobody in my family knows what Bipolar disorder is. Not because I didn't inform or educate them, but because it's 'demons' and a 'soul' sickness. Because nobody gives a sht.

You can't throw money at someone or something and expect problems to go away.

I accept everyone. Irrespective of who they are, their health or mental state.
Is it too much to ask for the same?

Nah. It's too much for many. They would rather point and tell a 37 year old Man how he should conduct himself and live his life. Like he is a child.

 

[Sensorei]

There's a saying which says, forgive and forget.

I've done it multiple times, too many to count. I don't resent myself, far from it.
I don't resent people and I'm not a bitter person. On the contrary, I'm a very positive and joyful person. Even now. Today.

I'm legitimately angry. For the way I'm treated, insulted, offended and ignored.

Would you be happy or choose to be happy if your family or people you know treat you with disdain, talk behind your back, mock you and ridicule you? Scream and swear at you and threaten you?

Would you be happy about that knowing it's not just part of the past, but a guaranteed future of the same maltreatment based on recurrence for years and years?

No my friend. Life isn't black and white.

People stigmatise, generalise and are pure imbeciles towards that which they don't understand.

I've been diagnosed for 15+ years and nobody in my family knows what Bipolar disorder is. Not because I didn't inform or educate them, but because it's 'demons' and a 'soul' sickness. Because nobody gives a sht.

You can't throw money at someone or something and expect problems to go away.

I accept everyone. Irrespective of who they are, their health or mental state.
Is it too much to ask for the same?

Nah. It's too much for many. They would rather point and tell a 37 year old Man how he should conduct himself and live his life. Like he is a child.

Acting out on your anger and associating with toxic family members is a choice you make. Exploding with rage is precisely acting like a child. I commented because have been through very similar stuff but I made the choice to cut out things and people my life that don't add value to my life. I used to have a lot of anger and it saps all the happiness out of your life.

You are in a cycle of repeating the same **** and expecting different results. You don't NEED to see or talk to toxic family members, unless you are financially dependent on them.

 

[|tera|]

Acting out on your anger and associating with toxic family members is a choice you make. Exploding with rage is precisely acting like a child. I commented because have been through very similar stuff but I made the choice to cut out things and people my life that don't add value to my life. I used to have a lot of anger and it saps all the happiness out of your life.

You are in a cycle of repeating the same **** and expecting different results. You don't NEED to see or talk to toxic family members, unless you are financially dependent on them.

You assume alot.
I don't act out on anger or rage at anyone. Even if I am angry at maltreatment.

Please don't attempt to tell me how to be or live, because you don't know me or my life.

 

[Sensorei]

You assume alot.
I don't act out on anger or rage at anyone. Even if I am angry at maltreatment.

Please don't attempt to tell me how to be or live, because you don't know me or my life.

You said it yourself... Just responding to what you said... You need meds not be be fkng angry and get violent. I know a lot more about you than you think, having a bipolar mother myself and and being treated for it at one stage myself due to drug abuse. Help advice doesn't always come in the form of empathy or sympathy and the truth is not always nice to hear. I wish you the best.

Yep, I'm an angry person off-meds. I am violent when I need to defend myself or others. I don't talk a lot. I'm not a sharer as many think i am.

I chose to build barriers around myself, true self, due to people and how they've hurt me. Either emotionally, physically or psychologically. I don't suffer with anxiety, even if I shake and shiver. I'm not scared or feel cornered. I'm fkn angry. Angry inside.

My emotions are best kept in control with meds.

Edit: I am only violent when I need to defend myself or others. Sounded like I'm just violent pre-edit.

 

[|tera|]

You said it yourself... Just responding to what you said... You need meds not be be fkng angry and get violent. I know a lot more about you than you think, having a bipolar mother myself and and being treated for it at one stage myself due to drug abuse. Help advice doesn't always come in the form of empathy or sympathy and the truth is not always nice to hear. I wish you the best.

So your solution is to be rude and call it truth?
I'm not angry off meds only, I get angry on meds too.
I smile when I'm off meds. I go to the loo.
I'm still me. The same person.

You have no right to judge me and be rude without knowing me or my life.
I'm in a cycle of repeating behaviour and expecting different results?

God. The fact hat you think that's not rude or uncalled for is beyond me.
I don't need to conform or be like you or anyone else.
I don't need anyone's validation to be myself.

 

[Sensorei]

So, you want to share your troubles and problems on a public forum as well as personal details about your struggles, family, drug abuse and suicide attempts. But nobody's allowed to say anything about you that doesn't suit your narrative ,or makes you feel uncomfortable because you feel offended. Got it.

Hope that works out well for you. You feeling judged is your own $h1t.