My Family is a Total Failure

[The_Donkey]

Not my kids and wife. I'm referring to my parents, siblings and extended family.

God, where do I even start.

My mother is on a her deathbed.
My father is an alcoholic who drinks 24/7 and has no concern for my mother
My brother was given thousands to go study. Nobody knows what he did with the money and he's back at my parents' place because he also lost the job he had so has no money for rent. My suspicion is he invested in some or the other get rich quick scheme instead of paying his varsity fees and lost it all
My sister's husband left her with two kids so she's also back with my parents. She can't work else there's nobody to look after my mother. She wants me to take one of her boys and have him go to school here in CT. My wife doesn't want us to take him in. My wife is now angry at my entire family.
My cousin stole my father's house. All the years we assumed that my father would inherit the house of his parents only to realise this weekend that the will states my cousin is getting the house - we suspected she either forged the will or manipulated at least one of my grandparents to change it, but with both my grandparents now dead, there's no way we can prove it. Naturally this came as a massive shock to us because we would have sold the house or rent it out to provide income to my parents. Guess who's shoulders the burden for helping them financially now falls on? So earlier today my cousin sent me a message on FB to call her as she wants to "talk about my dad". I don't even have her number.
I made the mistake of promising my 17-year old cousin that I'll help her financially with her studies next year. So now I need to cater for that as well.

Am I the only one who feels their family is one big fcuking mess???

The last time I saw any of my family members was in 2017. I don't want to see them and the only person I call is my mother every once in a while to hear how she's doing.

 

[|tera|]

Although I don't want to give advice ( am high).

Just remember. I listened to you.

It can only get better.
I've got les than fkall and I had it all.
Many people are struggling.
I also had to turn to family.
I'm working hard though and I'm not laying down anymore.

 

[Flywheel]

You'll be just fine boet.

Help everybody as much as you can without hurting yourself too much in the process. It will be returned to you someday with interest, that's for sure.

 

[The_Donkey]

Although I don't want to give advice ( am high).

Just remember. I listened to you.

It can only get better.
I've got les than fkall and I had it all.
Many people are struggling.
I also had to turn to family.
I'm working hard though and I'm not laying down anymore.

All the best man. I'm here if you need to talk.

You'll be just fine boet.

Help everybody as much as you can without hurting yourself too much in the process. It will be returned to you someday with interest, that's for sure.

Thanks.

I'm just venting because I'm frustrated. The reason I created this thread was because I spoke to my father to tell him about my cousin wanting to talk to me.

Then he started complaining. I almost threw my phone against the wall. It's like they want me to carry all their problems. I can't talk to my wife as she wants nothing to do with them because of my sister asking if I can't let my one nephew go to school here. I don't blame my wife as she can see how they're rubbing their problems off on me.

 

[|tera|]

All the best man. I'm here if you need to talk.

Thanks.

Same here

Finances are finances.
The issue here seems to be a problem in the family.
If you are about to take on all this responsibility some form of method must be put in place, so these people can pay you back.

Sorry to be so direct about it.

There's no free rides in life.
I either work my dues, or pay my dues.
If I'm in the red or black, I will pay it when I'm able.

If life works out I don't want to owe a single person a cent.
Money is the root to all evil, yes.
Heartache, hardship and suffering is improved with a better lifestyle and money though.

Look at things from this perspective.
If you give all this money and you suffer the consequences of it in the future, or in your old age. That would not be a great place to be in.
You might not have anyone to help you out.

I'm not advocating being a dick. I'm just saying use intuition here.

That's a fact.

Don't shoot yourself in the foot.
Use your God given savvy and choose who to trust or not.

If these adults can't manage their lives, it's not up to you to do it.

 

[Chinmaya]

Time has a solution for everything. Wait for your time. If you have the capacity to help, do it within your means. Time will give you back in many folds. Godspeed!

 

[Sensorei]

Sounds like my wife's family. Most of the cousins and the aunts and uncles bitching about and insulting the rest of the family because they are failures and not taking responsibility for their problems. They all resent my wife's folks because they made good choices and made a success of their lives, and now all the family expect handouts and sympathy. What a freaking mess. You give them money and they just make more bad decisions and back to square one. Don't do the handouts. You will destroy yourself and your marriage. It does not make you a bad person! Screw the guilt trips.

You are not responsible for your loser alcoholic dad. He chose booze over his family and caused this whole mess. He's supposed to be the provider. You are all just enabling him to drink if you support him financially. I have been through the alkie father thing. Fortunately with intervention my dad did manage to stop drinking in his 60s.

You should definitely NOT take your sisters kid in. Don't jeopardise your marriage. Your wife and kids come first now. Helping pay for school if you can afford it is something else. But not at the cost of your own family's financial security.

Hang in there man.

 

[Thor]

Sounds toxic, I would cut them off.

That's just me.

 

[Thor]

Sounds toxic, I would cut them off.

That's just me.

 

[Van87]

Your wife and kids come first now

This!!!

That is your family...

Screw the rest. If you allow others to possibly drag you down, you could lose what you have, and then end up in their position. Sad to say, but you have to be cruel to be kind

 

[|tera|]

Just don't lose love. Whether you help financially or not. Love them all the same.

These words mean something to me. I'm just sharing it. Not implicating on your beliefs.

Matthew 22:36-40
New American Standard Bible
​

36 “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” 37 And He said to him, “‘(A)You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the great and [a]foremost commandment. 39 The second is like it, ‘(B)You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 (C)Upon these two commandments [b]hang the whole Law and the Prophets.”

 

[Twiggss]

It seems like a huge problem in south africa, older adults living with their parents.

 

[The_Mowgs]

loser alcoholic dad. He chose booze over his family and caused this whole mess. He's supposed to be the provider.

.

 

[R13...]

So you get the alcoholism from your dad? No wonder you don't want to see the dude.

More serious, you should really try visit your mom if she's that unwell. You don't need to do anything for the others and surely if you don't have money to pay for the studies then you don't?

 

[supersunbird]

I made the mistake of promising my 17-year old cousin that I'll help her financially with her studies next year. So now I need to cater for that as well.

So did you say help her financially with her studies or did you say pay for her studies?

If the former, you work out what you can realistically afford in your budget and then tell her "I can give R* towards your studies per month, where you get the rest is up to you". If the latter, stop digging holes in your own path.

 

[The_Donkey]

So you get the alcoholism from your dad? No wonder you don't want to see the dude.

More serious, you should really try visit your mom if she's that unwell. You don't need to do anything for the others and surely if you don't have money to pay for the studies then you don't?

I'll be too broke this month as it's Christmas shopping and then I have pay the remainder of the holiday house we are renting. I'm hoping to see if I can go once we get back to CT in January.

Regarding the studies. When I made her the promise, things weren't so bad at my parents' place. I just feel crap for needing to go back on my word.

 

[The_Donkey]

So did you say help her financially with her studies or did you say pay for her studies?

If the former, you work out what you can realistically afford in your budget and then tell her "I can give R* towards your studies per month, where you get the rest is up to you". If the latter, stop digging holes in your own path.

Thing is, if I don't, the only option would be to apply for a bursary or loan somewhere. In fact I'll give her a call later and tell her to apply for bursaries or loans and explain the situation.

Her father is dead and her mother is working on a farm somewhere picking oranges and earning minimum wage. She grew up with my parents who informally adopted her as a baby because her parents could not look after and provide for her. We've literally paid for everything she has. My mother pulled some strings at school, so never paid school fees.

She moved out because my sister moved back in and the two can't stand each other - funny story, the reason is my sister caught her doing the nasty in her (sister's) room on her bed

 

[WaxLyrical]

Sounds toxic, I would cut them off.

That's just me.

This.
Your one and only priority is your mom. Get her to stay with you and ignore everything else.

 

[supersunbird]

Thing is, if I don't, the only option would be to apply for a bursary or loan somewhere. In fact I'll give her a call later and tell her to apply for bursaries or loans and explain the situation.

Her father is dead and her mother is working on a farm somewhere picking oranges and earning minimum wage. She grew up with my parents who informally adopted her as a baby because her parents could not look after and provide for her. We've literally paid for everything she has. My mother pulled some strings at school, so never paid school fees.

She moved out because my sister moved back in and the two can't stand each other - funny story, the reason is my sister caught her doing the nasty in her (sister's) room on her bed

NSFAS? Since the mother earning so little, it should be achievable.

 

[The_Donkey]

This.
Your one and only priority is your mom. Get her to stay with you and ignore everything else.

I tried that. I even offered to book her a ticket this week. She doesn't want to leave my siblings and father home alone. They are actually the reason I don't go visit that often because they see me as an ATM.

I will never bring all of them over here and I will never also take my father anywhere. I live 750m from Tops. See where I'm going with this?

My father is retired, but still receive 2/3rd's of his salary. He gets annual increases and everything. Apart from buying booze, nobody knows WTAF he does with his money. My mother runs the household with her salary and then still has to provide for those two leeches I have for siblings