"Okay, but who is the female"

[RazedInBlack]

I've never heard someone ask the same thing of a lesbian couple, so why does the question come up so often when gay couples are discussed? I swear, I'm so tired of being asked this question by now that I really want to rip out my hair whenever someone asks me.

Who is the 'female' in your relationship?

 

[Zewp]

I have. But strangely never had it occur about a gay couple.

I guess it can become a minefield of the correct terminology to use in the whole LBGT (theres a longer acronym I cant even attempt to recall correctly) field.

For me what bothers me is equal parts terminology and equal parts the ignorance behind the statement. It seems to imply to me that the person asking is under the impression that your relationship is either an imitation of a straight relationship or that being penetrated automatically diminishes your masculinity.

I've always interpreted that question as the same as asking who wears the pants in the relationship, i.e.who's the more dominant partner. Would you have felt differently if they asked it that way instead?

I actually would, yes, because the entire tone of the question changes when someone asks who is the top or bottom. If you're asking who the female is, you're judging the relationship using a heterosexual mindset.

 

[AstroTurf]

Next time ask the person if they are the boy or the girl in their relationship?

 

[ponder]

I've never heard someone ask the same thing of a lesbian couple, so why does the question come up so often when gay couples are discussed? I swear, I'm so tired of being asked this question by now that I really want to rip out my hair whenever someone asks me.

An observation, in many gay/lesbian relationships one can usually spot the 'bitch'. There seem to be a harder more dominant 'manly' partner and then the softer more 'feminine' partner, this is however not always the case.

 

[USZA]

A vagrant voyeur

/strikes VernD off the xmas card list

It was more stumbled upon than voyuerism. Then again, I can't remember now why I was walking under that bridge

And you didnt cheer afterwards?
I dont see how it matters either way. Most gay couples I know have one partner that is pretty effeminate.
Then again I know some that you wouldnt know are gay.

It was a rather mediocre performance.

Some guys are into effeminate guys because it make s them feel more like a man. And then you get guys who are just into guys - nothing fancy or funny. Those are the types you wouldn't even say is gay.

 

[ant_man]

Must admit I have never had the same issue.

Have you guys tried not flapping your hands a lot?

On a few occasions I have been asked, "do I bend or do I send"

 

[USZA]

On a few occasions I have been asked, "do I bend or do I send"

Why do bad things only happen to good people?

 

[Strangelove]

From my experience, I think their asking in the context of who's more dominant/submissive/who-wears-the-pants/sex (who's "top"/"bottom") because that's how most relationships tend to be () and from a societal and hetero-normative perspective, as you know it's usually the women who are submissive and someone has to lead. It's more related to the connotations associated with females rather than the literal. They're just projecting in order to understand your relationship, even though they could have used better words and that there's actually not much to understand.

 

[ShaunSA]

On a few occasions I have been asked, "do I bend or do I send"

So what did you reply?

 

[supersunbird]

Oh! I have the answer, it's the one who gets pregnan... oh wait! :erm:

 

[USZA]

So what did you reply?

Trust you to ask that

 

[ShaunSA]

Trust you to ask that

Be glad I haven't asked you... yet.

 

[AfricanTech]

/inb4 Nicci's "Jesus Christ another gay thread"

Blasphemer!

 

[USZA]

Be glad I haven't asked you... yet.

a) I can't remember
b) I'm not sure
c) It never happened
d)None of the above
e)All of the above

 

[BobsLawnService]

Oh, don't go all drama queen OP. People ask questions based on their own frame of reference. Theirs are just different from yours.

 

[faniebraai]

I am as straight as they come. And for someone that is very straight, and very uneducated about gays, I think the question arises from 'what you know'.

In a typical straight relationship, the female normally has a duty as the wife, and as the male, we normally have a duty. This is just the way we've been brought up. My wife doesn't expect me to clean the house or kitchen, but she does expect me to take charge of finances and make sure there is a food on the table and a roof over our heads. I expect her to be in charge of the kids, but don't expect her to fix things around the house or carry the heavy stuff around.

Straight people tend to think these roles should exist in any relationship, where it's gay or lesbian.

So what they are basically asking you is - who makes the bed and who changes the bulb / plugs?

 

[I.am.Sam]

Must admit I have never had the same issue.

Have you guys tried not flapping your hands a lot?

just looking at you and you will see you the tief in the relationship

 

[ant_man]

So what did you reply?

Only You would ask.

My reply to them, "I tried bending but it wasn't for me, so I rather do the sending"

 

[I.am.Sam]

So zewp ..im guessing you the female ..cause only a female will run and biets about things like this

 

[Skywalker786]

Flip that question really irritates the f**k out of me.

I normally tell people that it is the most irritating fu***ing question to ask a gay person. Normally shuts them up!