Outgrowing the people around you.

[Zewp]

How should one handle it when you start outgrowing the people close to you? I used to have a fairly close-knit group of friends and I love all of them like family, but for the past year (more or less) I've grown increasingly distant with them.

Lately if they invite me for anything I can't think up an excuse quick enough and when I do actually spend time with them I can't get away fast enough and usually go home feeling irritated. They're not bad people by any stretch of the imagination and I'm not angry/resentful towards them at all, but I think we're just branching off into different directions and we no longer share the same interests (or something to that effect).

I know it's natural for people to grow apart as they get older, especially in your 20s when you really start finding yourself. What I'm unsure of is how it should be handled when it happens. These are people who I used to see and talk to on an almost daily basis and who I trusted and shared everything with. One even told me I would be his best man at his wedding just recently. How do you handle a situation like this? Do you just straight up tell the people you no longer want to be friends, in which case you risk parting on bad footing? Do you do it subtly?

Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation?

 

[Lycanthrope]

Sure. People end up just finding themselves as they grow older, I guess. When the people around you are still fumbling about, you don't really feel as though you have anything in common with them any more. Least of all when you're an opinionated arse (like me) and enjoy chatting about all sorts of things that they simply just "don't get."

Hard to find common ground after a while and I guess, you just grow distant.

I still keep in touch with a number of friends I care about but unfortunately don't talk to very often. Except for once in a while, there's not much more to say than, "How's the weather?"

 

[supersunbird]

How should one handle it when you start outgrowing the people close to you? I used to have a fairly close-knit group of friends and I love all of them like family, but for the past year (more or less) I've grown increasingly distant with them.

Lately if they invite me for anything I can't think up an excuse quick enough and when I do actually spend time with them I can't get away fast enough and usually go home feeling irritated. They're not bad people by any stretch of the imagination and I'm not angry/resentful towards them at all, but I think we're just branching off into different directions and we no longer share the same interests (or something to that effect).

I know it's natural for people to grow apart as they get older, especially in your 20s when you really start finding yourself. What I'm unsure of is how it should be handled when it happens. These are people who I used to see and talk to on an almost daily basis and who I trusted and shared everything with. One even told me I would be his best man at his wedding just recently. How do you handle a situation like this? Do you just straight up tell the people you no longer want to be friends, in which case you risk parting on bad footing? Do you do it subtly?

Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation?

First question, regarding "usually go home feeling irritated". Is what they say or do or how they do it irritating? Their viewpoints or what? Are they just boring?

 

[copacetic]

Lycanthrope just leaves the country when he has this issue.

 

[Lycanthrope]

Lycanthrope just leaves the country when he has this issue.

 

[Zewp]

First question, regarding "usually go home feeling irritated". Is what they say or do or how they do it irritating? Their viewpoints or what?

It's partly because I sometimes feel that I've changed a lot since high school and they're pretty much still the same people they were back then. The company I enjoyed back then is no longer the kind of company I enjoy now, thus I quickly get irritated when I spend time with them.

Note, I'm not badmouthing them and I don't think badly of them for not changing much. It's very much an "it's not you, it's me" thing.

 

[RoboJedi]

I have none of my school and college friends left. I am friends with 3 ppl from my highskhool but back then we hardly spoke. Other friends all met after 30.

Once i stopes parting and boozing i quickly realized thats pretty much what we had.

Also broke off friendships with all racist and negative friends.

But i changed completely from the guy i was in the last 8 years. A serious break up made me re evaluate my entire life, re inventing everything from my job to hobbies to friends.


I am now fully comfortable and happy in who i am and in the few friends i have that align with my values.

 

[Segg]

I realized after a while that hanging around a specific group was pretty much toxic to me, after a month out the country I managed to break contact from them, now and again they try contacting me through others, its pretty much impossible to completely break contact BUT I have generally been happier without their influences in my life. I will only meet them if it is an emergency

 

[Pitbull]

How should one handle it when you start outgrowing the people close to you? I used to have a fairly close-knit group of friends and I love all of them like family, but for the past year (more or less) I've grown increasingly distant with them.

Lately if they invite me for anything I can't think up an excuse quick enough and when I do actually spend time with them I can't get away fast enough and usually go home feeling irritated. They're not bad people by any stretch of the imagination and I'm not angry/resentful towards them at all, but I think we're just branching off into different directions and we no longer share the same interests (or something to that effect).

I know it's natural for people to grow apart as they get older, especially in your 20s when you really start finding yourself. What I'm unsure of is how it should be handled when it happens. These are people who I used to see and talk to on an almost daily basis and who I trusted and shared everything with. One even told me I would be his best man at his wedding just recently. How do you handle a situation like this? Do you just straight up tell the people you no longer want to be friends, in which case you risk parting on bad footing? Do you do it subtly?

Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation?

I know this feeling all too well.

I have drifted away as time has gone by. Just me the wife and the kids now 98% of the time. Still the odd wedding or the one weekend evening every 6 months or so at a friends place for a braai. It's a natural thing I think and everyone goes though it eventually.

 

[DrewChan]

Perhaps establish why you have these feelings and discuss it with them openly? Depends on whether you want to keep any of the as friends or break ties completely.

 

[zolly]

Went through the exact same thing with a few friends I went to high school/varsity with. After I started meeting and hanging out with new people and watching how they treated each other, I realised that some of my old friends were dicks. They thought they were being funny, but nope, just being chops. I pretty much had issues with only 3 of them, and I tried to sort it out, but after talking to them at different times about my issues with the way they treat me and some other people, we eventually just grew apart.

Got a much nicer group of friends now, most of whom I didn't grow up with.

 

[Maverick Jester]

As you said, it's natural. I'm sure that everyone goes through this at some point in their life. I don't think that you need to approach the topic with any explicit sensitivity- your interests and values have changed compared to your friends.

You've already started phasing them out of your life (making excuses to not hang out, leaving as soon as you have the opportunity to). Just keep at it and eventually it will be reciprocated.

 

[grok]

I've twice in my life gone through a total purge, one has to do housekeeping on one's relationships once in a while else they grow stale and accumulate dust.

 

[Cius]

It happens. Move on. Sometimes its distance, mostly its moving into different phases of life. I tried to keep up with varsity friends for a while but they where all still single or dating when I was already married a while and having kids and you quickly loose what you had in common. These days I foster friendships with people who have kids that my kids are friends with as your odds of seeing those people regularly are 50 times higher than some varisity mate you struggle to see once a year.

 

[bokdrol]

It's normal. Sad initially, but people and lives do move on. You meet new and different people. But, the friendships you haveat school and when very young are the most intense you'll ever have (even if you drift apart in later years). As you grow older, friendships are more independent from your core happiness.

 

[SauRoNZA]

It's partly because I sometimes feel that I've changed a lot since high school and they're pretty much still the same people they were back then. The company I enjoyed back then is no longer the kind of company I enjoy now, thus I quickly get irritated when I spend time with them.

Note, I'm not badmouthing them and I don't think badly of them for not changing much. It's very much an "it's not you, it's me" thing.

Oh Highschool you say.

Move along...you probably should have a long long time ago already.

I haven't seen most of those people probably since about two - three years after high school and they are probably still very much stuck in the same ways so I don't really care to either.

You need to move along if you want to make any personal progress.


Looking back I've probably "recycled" friends about every five or so years and I certainly don't pine over any of them.

The ones that are worth keeping have stuck around automatically and I didn't even need to think about it. Most of them having been around in excess of 10 years but quite a few more recent additions.

 

[Lycanthrope]

Oh Highschool you say.

Move along...you probably should have a long long time ago already.

I haven't seen most of those people probably since about two - three years after high school and they are probably still very much stuck in the same ways so I don't really care to either.

You need to move along if you want to make any personal progress.


Looking back I've probably "recycled" friends about every five or so years and I certainly don't pine over any of them.

The ones that are worth keeping have stuck around automatically and I didn't even need to think about it. Most of them having been around in excess of 10 years but quite a few more recent additions.

QFT

 

[Strangelove]

I've been through this - when I transitioned into high school and I've been going through it with my closest (and only) friend for almost two years now. The first time, the friendships gradually ended, it just happened naturally. This time, it kinda feels like I'm on the receiving end now, I'm the one trying to initiating everything. Though when I do eventually see him, it's as if I am imagining it and he doesn't seem to notice that we're drifting or he's a great liar - I don't know you tell me. I've halted contact from my side for a while now (we're in different cities, so I guess it's easier). Rather be subtle about it, time is a useful tool.

I'm beginning to believe less in the power of friendship and the point to it as it seems none of them will last. Like a few posters have said, once you find that special someone, settle down and probably have children, your bachelor friends will offer you little and your priorities and paths diverge. I'm the permanent bachelor guy so in the future I'll probably always be on the receiving end. Not to mention I'm planning to leave the country in the next 7 or 8 years, new friendships that form now will die again and new ones again... Just seems like time and resources wasted :/

 

[Nanfeishen]

How should one handle it when you start outgrowing the people close to you? I used to have a fairly close-knit group of friends and I love all of them like family, but for the past year (more or less) I've grown increasingly distant with them.

Lately if they invite me for anything I can't think up an excuse quick enough and when I do actually spend time with them I can't get away fast enough and usually go home feeling irritated. They're not bad people by any stretch of the imagination and I'm not angry/resentful towards them at all, but I think we're just branching off into different directions and we no longer share the same interests (or something to that effect).

I know it's natural for people to grow apart as they get older, especially in your 20s when you really start finding yourself. What I'm unsure of is how it should be handled when it happens. These are people who I used to see and talk to on an almost daily basis and who I trusted and shared everything with. One even told me I would be his best man at his wedding just recently. How do you handle a situation like this? Do you just straight up tell the people you no longer want to be friends, in which case you risk parting on bad footing? Do you do it subtly?

Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation?

Move on slowly or cut ties altogether, always a difficult choice.

People change and grow, their problems, dreams or aspirations no longer remain the same or are even similar to yours.
Broaden your social circle more, try and meet up with new people who share more of the same views, dreams, ideas, goals or spirit of adventure as you do.
Social circles can easily become frustrating entrapments especially when you may still have a spirit of adventure or be free with no ties or partner, while they are all in some sort of relationship and quite content to be settled in their daily lives.
Most importantly, dont feel guilty for wanting to live your own life, or follow your own set of dreams even though it may be completely different from theirs.

 

[TofuMofu]

I've had the same issue.

I only have 1 school friend left, who's still a close friend and we still get along well. The rest I've stopped keeping in touch so eventually, they do the same and that's how we've drifted apart.

Sometimes I wish I was still in contact with some of them, others not so much.

People change. Many of my older friends won't accept me for who I am, so I don't want them in my life.