Should I stay or should I go?

[cyxx]

Believe it or not this is my very first forum I am even engaging in, very opiniated, which is a good thing. I have to logg off right now but there is more to this pathetic story which I will hopefully pick up tmrw.

 

[eek]

At the moment he is claiming that this is his wake up call to change his lifestyle. He does have issues, major issues from his past and I guess Ive alway stuck around because he has no one else (and because I really love him). He himself was in an acciednt at the age of 16 with 3 other passengers and he was the sole survivor, amongst the deceased was his mother, and he has been on his own ever since. He always plays the guilt card when something goes wrong and when he hurts me, saying sh*t like "I will always be a fuc* up, just leave me". He has been doing this for years but its getting a bit much now.

Should I stay or should I go....I love that song!

I just wrote a whole thing about it being a tough decision and you should rather look into what it all means to you and where you see yourself in due time, but after this post I changed my mind, I think he's playing you! That is a schit card to play on the person you 'love'. I wouldn't want that guilt trip on me the whole time. He's doing that as a means of 'keeping control' over you by making you feel bad.

If you think the relationship is worth saying, do it...but if you have doubts, rather move on, it might turn ugly at some other stage in your life!

Oh...and about him saying this is his wake-up call....rubbish! He should've learnt the first time, not to mention, he was in an accident where he lost his mother....did he not learn then already that cars kill people? No excuse!

 

[Slootvreter]

Does it matter? He is endangering their lives and he is not man enough to get a real licence and grow up.

Yes it matters. Almost everyone that drinks has driven under the influence. Women too. Im still asking what else did he do that was irresponsible? And she did let him drive her car without a license. That alone does matter because she would not have done it if he was a bad driver, if her judgement is anything to go by.

 

[stoke]

Originally Posted by stoke:
A - You mentioned that you want to immigrate because it is something that you really want to do.
Well then, off you go.

Otherwise

B - Shut up and get in the kitchen and make the man his supper and start looking at scooter prices.

Jeez thanks for that, but for sombody to go around in life to treat people the way that you clearly do means you have issues of your own, so Im not even going to comment any further on this.

Lol, just remember, if you do not choose my option A, you are in effect choosing option B.

 

[eek]

You mentioned that you want to immigrate because it is something that you really want to do.
Well then, off you go.

Otherwise

Shut up and get in the kitchen and make the man his supper and start looking at scooter prices.

Jeez thanks for that, but for sombody to go around in life to treat people the way that you clearly do means you have issues of your own, so Im not even going to comment any further on this.

Don't read to much into this...just some light-hearted humor in there to say that you should pursue your dream!

 

[Pitbull]

Yes it matters. Almost everyone that drinks has driven under the influence. Women too. Im still asking what else did he do that was irresponsible? And she did let him drive her car without a license. That alone does matter because she would not have done it if he was a bad driver, if her judgement is anything to go by.

Correction: their car

She has little to no say over him as to the use of the car, same with him having her drive.

 

[mercurial]

Yes it matters. Almost everyone that drinks has driven under the influence. Women too. Im still asking what else did he do that was irresponsible? And she did let him drive her car without a license. That alone does matter because she would not have done it if he was a bad driver, if her judgement is anything to go by.

Generalising by saying everyone who drinks also drinks and drives is a poor excuse. This guys clearly needs to grow up and deal with life. Yes, she should encourage him to get a real licence but what woman has ever told her boyfriend/fiance that? Women are just glad that their men can drive and they probably don't really have a say in the matter. Guys will just keep making empty promises.

 

[Keeper]

Don't read to much into this...just some light-hearted humor in there to say that you should pursue your dream!

LOL, thanks eek, i seemed to have missed that post - I lol'ed.

*waits for the thread to turn into a mini-epic thread*

 

[Hoof-Hearted]

He always plays the guilt card when something goes wrong and when he hurts me, saying sh*t like "I will always be a fuc* up, just leave me". He has been doing this for years but its getting a bit much now.

Apparently he has been giving you all the advice you need. Seems the car is the least of your worries.

 

[S1ght]

At the moment he is claiming that this is his wake up call to change his lifestyle. He does have issues, major issues from his past and I guess Ive alway stuck around because he has no one else (and because I really love him). He himself was in an acciednt at the age of 16 with 3 other passengers and he was the sole survivor, amongst the deceased was his mother, and he has been on his own ever since. He always plays the guilt card when something goes wrong and when he hurts me, saying sh*t like "I will always be a fuc* up, just leave me". He has been doing this for years but its getting a bit much now.

I read through most of this thread and that part stuck out the most to me...to me that would be reason enough not to stick around...

 

[rwenzori]

If you want your life to continue under the same pattern, stay, else get out sooner rather than later.

 

[Amida]

Cyxx I think by starting this thread you already know that you want out of the relationship. You just needed backup from someone else.

 

[eek]

Originally Posted by cyxx View Post
At the moment he is claiming that this is his wake up call to change his lifestyle. He does have issues, major issues from his past and I guess Ive alway stuck around because he has no one else (and because I really love him). He himself was in an acciednt at the age of 16 with 3 other passengers and he was the sole survivor, amongst the deceased was his mother, and he has been on his own ever since. He always plays the guilt card when something goes wrong and when he hurts me, saying sh*t like "I will always be a fuc* up, just leave me". He has been doing this for years but its getting a bit much now

.

I read through most of this thread and that part stuck out the most to me...to me that would be reason enough not to stick around...

I agree to that! +1 000

 

[Keeper]

I agree to that! +1 000

maybe that's why she still is with the loser, because he has a.....er, wait...

never mind....

 

[krycor]

i'd say move on.. two cars is one car too many(if not two). It can't be said you never tried.

 

[Sackboy]

They say "for better or for worse", but this is a bit extreme. Go now and he won't be able to follow. He's a loser and you sound quite sensible. You can always come back.

 

[Sackboy]

Believe it or not this is my very first forum I am even engaging in, very opiniated, which is a good thing. I have to logg off right now but there is more to this pathetic story which I will hopefully pick up tmrw.

SOME of us DO try...

 

[Jewelbox]

Let it be an eye-opener for you now, instead of regretting it afterwards!

 

[kingmonty]

We have been through alot togethr and I love him wih all my heart. Yet, I constantly feel that I am paying for his actions and the way he chooses to live his life. I want to leave because I know that he is taking me for granted I just need to develop the balls to do it

Please don't develop any balls.

Humans are funny creatures. Often we make up our minds on what to do and ask others as a method of justification for our decisions. Quitting is the easy part, it's that period after that hurts like hell. The thing is, the longer you take to part ways, the more difficult it will become, and as the difficulty increases, your mind starts justifying staying with him by suppressing the reasons to leave. This is exactly the same psychological behaviour portrayed by battered women - and precisely why they find it so hard to leave.

Looking at your situation - apart from the financial losses you have incurred, you will find yourself in deeper trouble if his drinking continues. Put it this way, how often have you been in the car when his been DUI? Unfortunately men who get drunk often turn violent, and due to the length of time you've been with him, it will be that much easier to gloss over and ignore.

My advice (and I am loathe to advise people on an Internet forum) is to get out while you can. Minimise your losses and perhaps even sue him for 50% of the loss of the car. Try and be as objective as possible, so that you will realise that this boy is selfish and undeserving of your love. And be careful.

 

[guest2013-1]

Kick him under the ass and get yourself a rich guy.

w00t! a woman just validated my point I was so schathingly (sp?) insulted for having such an opinion of my own!

That's 6 years of her life WASTED if he doesn't come back.

Life is not wasted unless she learnt absolutely nothing from this experience.

At the moment he is claiming that this is his wake up call to change his lifestyle. He does have issues, major issues from his past and I guess Ive alway stuck around because he has no one else (and because I really love him). He himself was in an acciednt at the age of 16 with 3 other passengers and he was the sole survivor, amongst the deceased was his mother, and he has been on his own ever since. He always plays the guilt card when something goes wrong and when he hurts me, saying sh*t like "I will always be a fuc* up, just leave me". He has been doing this for years but its getting a bit much now.

#1 The first drunken driving accident should have been a wake-up call.
#2 Losing your mother and 2 other people in a car accident being the sole survivor you would think that he would be one of the people who are more vigilant and careful on the roads and have had already realized that drunken driving is just an accident waiting to happen. Why would he possibly want to put his own life in danger not to mention others?
#3 Any guy deserving your love & attention wouldn't need to guilt trip you into staying when he hurts you. He doesn't even need TO hurt you for that matter.
#4 You want to emmigrate but he hasn't shown much dedication to the cause. Knowingly endangering your record/yourself by doing this he really shows how much he "loves" you. What if he was killed in the car accident? He doesn't consider how much you'll be hurt by the loss of his life. And with my point @ #2? You'd think LOSING HIS MOTHER IN A CAR ACCIDENT HE WILL BE MORE CAREFUL AND NOT DO THESE THINGS. Once is already one too many!

We're all a little bit ****ed up and we all have baggage. It's a question of learning to deal with it on your own while not lashing out or hurting others. And unfortunately you were always there for him. He has YOU to help him through this. Teach a man to fish type scenario you need to pull here. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marylin Monroe)

I reckon this is a perfect time for you to uproot, emigrate and see from there. Be a little selfish this time to get what YOU want out of life (as he's clearly been the selfish one here, not thinking about the consequences his actions have on you, someone he wants to marry)

In this case I'm glad you don't have kids with this guy (hopefully not). I only hope he is the same age as you, because if he's older and still only has a learner's license and chooses to drive drunk then yea, I don't think he'll change with you that sticks around. He will just fall back into the same groove. Breaking up with him should probably really change things for him for the better. And who knows what happens in the future. I've known a couple who has dated for 10 years. Broke up. And 2 years later found each other again and got married. They're still happily married. But you have to make a decision and just go and live your life as if you'll never meet up again.

Please don't develop any balls.

+1 but you need to have the guts to just be selfish for you before it's too late!

Humans are funny creatures. Often we make up our minds on what to do and ask others as a method of justification for our decisions. Quitting is the easy part, it's that period after that hurts like hell. The thing is, the longer you take to part ways, the more difficult it will become, and as the difficulty increases, your mind starts justifying staying with him by suppressing the reasons to leave. This is exactly the same psychological behaviour portrayed by battered women - and precisely why they find it so hard to leave.

Looking at your situation - apart from the financial losses you have incurred, you will find yourself in deeper trouble if his drinking continues. Put it this way, how often have you been in the car when his been DUI? Unfortunately men who get drunk often turn violent, and due to the length of time you've been with him, it will be that much easier to gloss over and ignore.

My advice (and I am loathe to advise people on an Internet forum) is to get out while you can. Minimise your losses and perhaps even sue him for 50% of the loss of the car. Try and be as objective as possible, so that you will realise that this boy is selfish and undeserving of your love. And be careful.

I would give the same advice. He needs to learn a very hard lesson. If I were you I'd testify against him even so that he might go to jail for a couple of months. (But that's just me, I was on the wrong end of a drunken driver before and I hate their non-chalant attitude of "I didn't mean to" or "I didn't do it (because they can't ****ing remember) because these people are repeat offenders and think they did nothing wrong.

HARD lesson. He needs to get right and sometimes (more than often) you lose the person who really loved you while you need to get over yourself (speaking from his perspective)

I think you already know what you need to do. it's just the question of doing it and how.

don't be scared. How do you eat an elephant? Stukkie vir stukkie. It may take a few months and it may mean crying your eyes out every night for the next few months but in the end you need to think about yourself and your own life.

People show you they care. They don't tell you they care. And from what I've read I don't think he cares that much. Not for you and not for himself (or others on the road)