The final frontier
Brandon Faber, News24 User
Somewhere in a dark room sits the South African Minister of Sport, Makhenkesi Stofile. Quietly sipping on the whiskey he got for Christmas he holds a conference call with brother, Mike, and that bastion of sporting knowledge, Butana Komphela.
"I don't know what to do anymore lads," he says, staring at the floor. "Nothing we try has worked?nothing!"
With disgust he kicks at a kudu skin and slaps his forehead with a rolled-up copy of The Times.
"The Springboks are still around and winning. The cricket guys are marching to the World number one spot. Even our soccer guys are on an upward curve and, all this, without any help from us whatsoever."
The realisation of redundancy sets in like a level seven hangover on a scorching hot day - in the Free State - far away from an air-conditioned room and comfort food.
"What if we propose the Netball girls play in traditional Zulu garments?" yelps Butana. "That will keep our names in the news for a little while longer...perhaps we create enough of a stir to be able to stick around after the general elections."
'We have to do something'
"What's the use?" sighs the minister who wanted to rule over all.
"Some lawyers will just again point out that it's illegal, making us look stupid and out of touch with reality. A chorus of bastard-media-men will then wonder publicly what use this office has in a world where professional sport is run by sponsors - and you know what, Butana, we don't really have an answer, do we?"
"Well we have to do something," Mike finally decides to contribute to the conversation, albeit only out of self-interest. "I have things to pay you know. If the world of sport doesn't really need us, where will we go?"
After ten minutes of silence, bar Butana's heavy breathing and the occasional slurping of whiskey, the minister has an idea. "Hey, what about the newly created South African Space Agency?" he shouts like an excited schoolgirl at a YDE sale. "Surely they can accommodate us!"
"That's all fine and well Mac, but what do we know about Space?" Mike finally says something that sounds suspiciously like the direct result of a recognisable thought pattern. "I never watched Star Trek."
"So?" bellows Butana, sensing an opportunity to prolong his political career post April. "We don't know the first thing about sport, yet I am the head of Parliament's Portfolio Committee, Mike you nearly became President of SA Rugby and Mac, you are the current minister. Why, we'd be an asset to any space programme!"
"First thing I'd do is get rid of the space suits," mumbles the minister. "Too white if you know what I mean."
'There is hope'
"Damn straight!" gushes Mike.
"Exactly!" comrade Komphela shouts into his government-sponsored Cisco IP phone. "There is hope for us after all gentlemen!"
The conference ends on a high note and Makhenkesi pours a double.
"Ah space," he says with a satisfied smile. "The final frontier?"
We can only hope.
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