What is love?

Garson007

Garson007

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Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more...

What is the point of being in love? No really? In my experience being in love only ever goes one way. Until recently I thought I wasn't capable of falling in love, but then...

In my past I've broken quite a few hearts, I'm not proud of it - but it is what it is. I've witnessed people go crazy. Every time I've broken contact because of it. Every time I wasn't hurt. At least now I can identify with it...

That feeling of despair. Being unable to stomach food. The racing of your heart. The constant self-reminder that you must be feeling terrible.

What's it all about and why do people actually want to have it?

I met this guy somewhere close to the start of the year. I've never had chemistry like it before. No matter how many times I remind myself that he's not actually my type or anywhere near stable enough, I just can't get over him. It scares me how crazy I am over someone.

In my crazy state I did some really stupid things. I couldn't quite deal with this new experience of being in love with someone and being his then third choice at best. I'm not competitive. I needed to make peace with not being able to get him. So I did the one thing I thought would help me friendzone myself - I set myself up for rejection. Worst ****ing choice ever. In asking him out, not only did I not lose my romantic feelings for him (the objective), but I made him push me away and I hurt both of us in the process. I also picked a fight with one of the guys I rated as ahead of me in the race, because this guy I'm in love with gave me some inside information (breaking his trust).

Regardless to say - it's been messy ever since. We've not really spoken for a period in between, but now we've started chatting on whatsapp again and I don't know what I'm doing any more. What should I be doing? Should I try and be friends, try and push through the awkward period or should I continue on my long journey to get rid of the one that got away? Should I be upfront that my romantic feelings are still there even though I don't understand them any more? That I can be friends despite them? Or should I leave it unspoken? I wish I could just sit him down and talk to him, but it's unlikely we'll meet face to face for some time still.

In the mean time I've just buried myself in my work. Sometimes wishing the weekends away. I wish I had all the answers. I wish I understood my feelings. I wish I could just not get emotional at all. I've never been like this. I've never been in love. I've never gone backwards...
 
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Pooky

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Garson007 said:
Should I be upfront that my romantic feelings are still there even though I don't understand them any more?
Click to expand...

This. Except I'm pretty sure if you think about them for a while you will come to an understanding.
 
Hamster

Hamster

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For real though, I think Hollywood and California have ruined love the same way 300 ruined movies (those stupid graphic effects are everywhere these days :mad: ). Our perception and expectations of what it should be is warped.



I am 28 and yet to meet someone I actually have real "live" feelings for or that is worth the effort that goes along with these feelings. Maybe this speaks to my own immaturity/un readiness regarding this.
 
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Pooky

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Hamster said:
For real though, I think Hollywood and California have ruined love the same way 300 ruined movies (those stupid graphic effects are everywhere these days :mad: ). Our perception and expectations of what it should be is warped.



I am 28 and yet to meet someone I actually have real "live" feelings for or that is worth the effort that goes along with these feelings. Maybe this speaks to my own immaturity/un readiness regarding this.
Click to expand...

Fiction in all its forms has ruined life for me.

I read a book, watch a movie, and see these people say and do the most perfect things at the most perfect moments that makes me feel the most perfect feelings.

Then I look at how any of those things I see in fiction play out in actuality, and it can never stand up to the perfection of fantasy.

It causes a great despondence, as well as a longing ache for an experience I know is at the fringe of reality.
 
Garson007

Garson007

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Taking love advice from Pooky... I'm not sure of anything any more. :p

I think How I met your mother got it right, imho. There's always the one that's going to be the one in love and the one that settles. At least in my experience. But it creates an undesirable power dynamic between the person in love and the person who is settling. I can't ever see myself as the type that is willing to settle for a long period of time.
 
GreGorGy

GreGorGy

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From the content of your post, I gather you're gay. If not I misread. If so though, I can't imagine that things are any different so I will speak from my own straight experience. One of the many things I have had to contend with is the non-existence of a one. I can love many people throughout my life and at the time, each of them will be of critical importance to me. So when things end I know that new things will begin and perhaps that is the attitude you should take going forward. Strangle, it may even yield what you desire from your past. Because with that new outlook, comes a new trait to your personality that could just be the missing ingredient.

Now enough sloppy crap. I am on multiple anti-histimanes and a hansa or two. I'm not myself...
 
Grant

Grant

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if you want something - go and get it

i would suggest you start over with him.
a little plotting and planning is always required, you need to dodge the awkward & out-maneuver the competition.

forget whatsapp & text messages, there are few things as impersonal & unable to convey any emotion of sort.

***from grant's book of tricks***

pick up the phone & make the call.
you may have to wing it a little, but when you call, tell him you are in his area (even if you are not) & ask him if he feels like grabbing a quick bite for lunch. (you need to sound a little non committal / slightly disinterested - treat going for lunch as almost chore-like - a utilitarian function at best).
dont beg & plead, if he says he is busy, accept his answer, no need for further conversation as having lunch was the only "intended" purpose of the call, tell him you will give him a call sometime & say goodbye.


if you get a yes, have lunch, pay for both of you and leave 1st - like you don't really have time to waste.
during lunch, dont even venture near any past mistakes etc, talk about the weather, traffic - anything else, avoid relationships & personal stuff (remember, to you, having this lunch is little more than fulfilling a necessary bodily function).
if he attempts to broach the subject of your past "misbehavior", steer the conversation in a different direction quickly.
if really pressed for an answer, making it as short as possible, dont labour over it with detail - those details only offer further opportunity for "cross examination" on his part.
you just need to say you were not entirely sure what you were doing at the time, but assume everyone has moved on from then.

dont call, dont text - no whatsapp for at the very least a week.
this will probably throw him off kilter & get him thinking a little.

then a week or so later repeat the lunch process, exactly as before (remember, this is a long term project).
be a little less clinical & bring out the entertainer in you, but again, pay & leave first - after all, having lunch is little more than a daily task to be performed.

if the second lunch went well, give it a week or two & step it up a little to dinner - again, simply a task to be performed on a daily basis, except this time there is no rush to leave.
put out some bait & see if there is a nibble.

as for the romantic feelings - wait until you have landed your catch
 
S

Skywalker786

Expert Member
Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
1,491
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Tell him how you feel, if he does not feel the same. Cut your ties and move on.

Nothing worse than being in love with someone and tearing yourself apart every time you see him with someone else.

It's going to kill you
 
S

Skywalker786

Expert Member
Joined
May 4, 2009
Messages
1,491
grantza said:
if you want something - go and get it

i would suggest you start over with him.
a little plotting and planning is always required, you need to dodge the awkward & out-maneuver the competition.

forget whatsapp & text messages, there are few things as impersonal & unable to convey any emotion of sort.

***from grant's book of tricks***

pick up the phone & make the call.
you may have to wing it a little, but when you call, tell him you are in his area (even if you are not) & ask him if he feels like grabbing a quick bite for lunch. (you need to sound a little non committal / slightly disinterested - treat going for lunch as almost chore-like - a utilitarian function at best).
dont beg & plead, if he says he is busy, accept his answer, no need for further conversation as having lunch was the only "intended" purpose of the call, tell him you will give him a call sometime & say goodbye.


if you get a yes, have lunch, pay for both of you and leave 1st - like you don't really have time to waste.
during lunch, dont even venture near any past mistakes etc, talk about the weather, traffic - anything else, avoid relationships & personal stuff (remember, to you, having this lunch is little more than fulfilling a necessary bodily function).
if he attempts to broach the subject of your past "misbehavior", steer the conversation in a different direction quickly.
if really pressed for an answer, making it as short as possible, dont labour over it with detail - those details only offer further opportunity for "cross examination" on his part.
you just need to say you were not entirely sure what you were doing at the time, but assume everyone has moved on from then.

dont call, dont text - no whatsapp for at the very least a week.
this will probably throw him off kilter & get him thinking a little.

then a week or so later repeat the lunch process, exactly as before (remember, this is a long term project).
be a little less clinical & bring out the entertainer in you, but again, pay & leave first - after all, having lunch is little more than a daily task to be performed.

if the second lunch went well, give it a week or two & step it up a little to dinner - again, simply a task to be performed on a daily basis, except this time there is no rush to leave.
put out some bait & see if there is a nibble.

as for the romantic feelings - wait until you have landed your catch
Click to expand...

Spot on Grant!
 
Grant

Grant

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Joined
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Messages
60,676
Pooky said:
The problem comes when you've got it and realise you were more in love with getting it than it itself.
Click to expand...

sometimes after capturing your prey you may discover it is quite under size, difficult to domesticate or has defects that were not apparent on the first sighting.
then it's best to cut it loose, set it free & start again :D
 
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Pooky

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grantza said:
sometimes after capturing your prey you may discover it is quite under size, difficult to domesticate or has defects that were not apparent on the first sighting.
then it's best to cut it loose, set it free & start again :D
Click to expand...

Perhaps, after your prey has been caught, desire to consume it dwindles, and all that's left is the distant memory of the lust for a great steak, as you stare with ever-increasing want at a juicy mushroom burger.
 
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