(What rouxenator thinks are) funny jokes

Rouxenator

Dank meme lord
Joined
Oct 31, 2007
Messages
37,624
What’s the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scottish Shephard?
One sings: “Hey you, get off of my cloud”
The other yells: “Hey MacLeod! Get off of mah ewe!”
 

Rouxenator

Dank meme lord
Joined
Oct 31, 2007
Messages
37,624
If you get an error logging into a website using the wrong kind of fruit, the error will say "persimmon denied"
 

Stokstert

Executive Member
Joined
Jul 22, 2007
Messages
6,104
An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.

This year's submissions:

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognised me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
 

Rouxenator

Dank meme lord
Joined
Oct 31, 2007
Messages
37,624
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire

Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors they would be called chicken sedans.

What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
 

silentc

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2018
Messages
254
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire

Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors they would be called chicken sedans.

What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
just take my like and f off :cautious:
 

Rouxenator

Dank meme lord
Joined
Oct 31, 2007
Messages
37,624
Are you a school? Because I wanna shoot kids in you.

Today is the start of Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs till Friday.

What's a pig's favourite kind of wood ?
Mahogany.

What's a cow's favourite kind of wood ?
Mooranti.

What's the only place in the world where you can get red milk ?
Moscow

Premature Treejaculation...
The act of putting your Christmas tree up in any month other than December.

What do you call a youtuber who's also a werewolf?
Lycansubscribe.

Do not put a frozen pilchard up your anus for sexual gratification or for some other reason. Perhaps you want to take one home from the fishmonger but your pockets are full? Or maybe you want to surprise your cat for its dinner. Either way, its scales will lift open as it thaws in the warmth of your colon and you wont be able to pull it out again without tearing your ringpiece to tatters.

Convince children that they've shrunk by serving them dinner on a metre wide plate with cabbages in place of sprouts.

Have you got a female boss?
Spray your bollocks grey and place them on her desk, whacking them in front of her. This 'Newton's cradle' will definitely get you a pay rise in these frugal economic times.

Pacify sanctimonious types by living in a stone house and throwing glasses.

Can't afford expensive vet bills? Dress your cat as a child and take it to your GP instead

Strange hooting noise every time you take a dump?
You've got owl cancer.

Pachyderms playing golf on your face?
You've got elephant eye tees.
 

Rouxenator

Dank meme lord
Joined
Oct 31, 2007
Messages
37,624
Make people think you're a shark by biting huge chunks out of their legs.

Men! Surprise and delight your partner by eating lots and lots of tomatoes, thereby ensuring that your jizz will taste like ketchup.

Women! Avoid Eating Tomatoes otherwise your partner might smell them on your breath and think that you have been sucking off all his mates.

Men! Surprise and delight your partner by eating lots and lots of jizz thereby ensuring your jizz will be twice as jizzy.

Put a lampshade on your head to look like a chinaman.

Disguise yourself as a standard lamp by stealing a Chinaman's hat and standing in the corner.

Disguise yourself as a corner by standing a chinaman with a lampshade on his head in front of you.
 

Rouxenator

Dank meme lord
Joined
Oct 31, 2007
Messages
37,624
Make women feel attractive by staring at their breasts and making suggestive comments.

If your wife or girlfriend decides to situate your newborn's cot in a structural element of your house that protrudes from the plane of the sloping roof, cry out "No-one puts Baby in a Dormer...!!"

Wean yourself off fingering kids by fingering dogs instead.
 

Half_Frog

Expert Member
Joined
Feb 24, 2011
Messages
1,972
VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES

1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

3 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

4- Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care

5- Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

6- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let it in.

7- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called a Wedding cake
 

Rouxenator

Dank meme lord
Joined
Oct 31, 2007
Messages
37,624
I thought my dad spent all his savings on an expensive wig.
But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
 

Rouxenator

Dank meme lord
Joined
Oct 31, 2007
Messages
37,624
I like my women like I like my coffee: Hot and all over my crotch when I'm driving.

"Oi, barman, I'm the M4 motorway. 500,000 cars drive over me every day, I'm hard as nails. Get me a drink" he orders.

The barman, rather surprised that a talking motorway has walked into his bar, pours him a whisky and he sits down at the table.

A few minutes later, a second motorway kicks open the door and walks in.

He says "I'm the M1. I have 900,000 vehicles drive over me every day. I make the M4 look like a child. I'm the hardest there is. Nobody can touch me. Now get me a ****ing drink."

The barman, despite being rather unimpressed with being ordered around, pours him a beer and he sits down next to the M4.

The barman can hear the two motorways comparing their size and and arguing over who is the toughest, when the door swings open again.

In walks a small, narrow, piece of red tarmac. Both the M4 and M1 shut up immediately and stare down at their drinks, too terrified to look up.

Confused, the barman asks "what's the matter guys? Just now, you two were telling me how tough you are and how there is nobody harder, but now you're both staring down at your drinks too scared to look up..?"

The motorways look up and say "We're not messing with him. Nobody ever does. He's a cycle path."
 
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