(What rouxenator thinks are) funny jokes

Rouxenator

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Once I phoned the spiritual leader of Tibet for advice, and he sent me a goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.
 

Rouxenator

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Excel and Word walks into a bar and asks the bartender if there is a Powerpoint.

The bartender says no, this is not an Office, it's a bar.
 

Rouxenator

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My non existent wife has this condition where she compulsively sorts our plates in chronological order?
It's a rare dish order.

What did the Mexican carpet layer say to his apprentice?
Underlay underlay
 

Rouxenator

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There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do," the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
 

Rouxenator

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I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?”

Me: “John”

Homeless man: “So Johnny, there is black rooster alright?

How many legs does that chicken have.”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?”

Me: “Two?”
Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?”

Me: “I don’t know? A lot?”

Homeless man: “Well Johnny, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”
 

Moereloos

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I went to a monastery on Saturday. As I passed the kitchen I saw an old monk busy frying potato chips and asked him; "Are you the friar?" He turned to face me, shook his head and said; "No, I'm the chip monk".
 

Rouxenator

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I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle. I bought a steel whistle but it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle but it steel wooden lead me whistle.
 

Rouxenator

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Two Belgians walk into a police precinct

and say: "Our Dutch friend is missing. Please help us."

Officer: "Can you describe him to me?"

Belgians: "He's tall, has blue eyes and blonde hair"

Officer: "You described half the Netherlands with this. You got anything more specific?"

Belgians: "Yeah, he has an extra penis."

Officer: "Are you sure?"

Belgians: "Yes, whenever we go to our favorite bar, the barman always says: "Look there is the Dutchman with the two dicks again.""
 

Rouxenator

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The monocle joke

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.

The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
 

Rouxenator

Dank meme lord
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Messages
36,477
What's it called when one butt cheek is bigger than the other?
Assymetrical.

How do you piss off an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it's from.
 
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