Who takes care of your baby while you work?

[xcaliber]

New parents here. Send our kid to day care. No choice. Both of us work. Don't trust nannies

 

[Kosmik]

I'll comment:

2012 our eldest was born extreme prem. The original plan was for the wife to return to work but that became a major problem with the complications. Taking the cost of care, petrol for her work, tax, we worked out that while taking a knock, it would be better for us if she stayed home and cared for the child.

Fast forward nearly a decade, she is still at home, both my son's hand had the experiance of growing up with very involved mother who works on their problems with them ( our second is normal but the eldest requires therapies and exercises, attending special needs).

She also has a small baking business she runs between everything, not making huge money but pays for the kids extra murals and other expenses.

Yes, we run the risk of single salary but being in IT/Development risk of getting another job is very low (especially with lots of experiance). She does not forever expect to get paid. Joint decision, family finances, we cut where needed and it goes on a common pool.

Maybe not for everyone and it certainly sounds like the wrong way to start if you are considering it.

 

[bwana]

Wife wants to quit her job and have me pay her a salary every month equal to her current work salary, I did the math, and while I technically can, it would leave me with barely anything left at the end after all my expenses are accounted for.

She want's to get paid for looking after her own kid? If you do will she then cover her share of the expenses? Food, lodging, etc.

Say no, see if she'll quit.

 

[Paul Kemp]

Is it really that bad? Damn.

It’s ludicrous to me that your wife expects to be paid an amount equal to her current job to take care of your child full time.
I can understand wanting to take care of your child full time but not the payment.
I hope for your sake that you’ve just worded it incorrectly and what your wife wants is bills covered not a salary.

 

[R13...]

Didn't you say your mother in law looked after your child? And you were paranoid. You'll be even more paranoid if you get a minder.

 

[rietrot]

Is it really that bad? Damn.

You normally call it an allowance, not a salary, she doesn't work for you it is supposed to be a partner thing. That's what made it seem worse.

You should already consider your household finances jointly. Not her money and your money. Then the transition would probably be easier if that's the way you want to go.

 

[ozziej]

Yeah, it's tough. Luckily for us, my oldest's school started a creche / daycare / aftercare for babies from 6 months the year she was born. So, its really nice, both the kids go to the same physical school.
The trouble is when they close for holidays... Then the kids get shipped off to grannies that luckily also often have holidays at the same time. We can't really afford for the wife to quit her job right now.

 

[TheMightyQuinn]

Seriously? How the F do y'all do it? In this era where both parents have to work, who takes care of your baby?

Wife wants to quit her job and have me pay her a salary every month equal to her current work salary, I did the math, and while I technically can, it would leave me with barely anything left at the end after all my expenses are accounted for.

I need some advice here. Do I get a professional? Can I really trust a stranger with my baby? In my house, while me and wife are out at work the whole day?

Scratching my head over this one. Wondering if an au pair/caretaker's slightly cheaper price(i mean im assuming its cheaper) than my wife's salary I'd be paying her and then I have peace of mind.

If anyone has any input/knows of any solutions - I'm all ears.

So what happens to "her" salary every month currently?

Jirre... is she your wife and a mother? Or is she a paid employee? WTF is wrong with her?

What were your plans for this situation when you two discussed having this baby?

 

[Paul Kemp]

Didn't you say your mother in law looked after your child? And you were paranoid. You'll be even more paranoid if you get a minder.

The MIL that let the kid self soothe?
In that context I think the salary demand is part of a more robust discussion.

 

[Insint]

Thanks to Covid, my wife can now permanently work from home.

We hired a au pair to help out while she is working, but our baby seems to be more difficult than others and it's stressful for my wife.

The only thing that I find strange is that your wife wants to be paid a salary. My wife and me combine our salaries and it's our money. If my wife wanted to stop working she would not get a salary because my money is her money.

 

[R13...]

So what happens to "her" salary every month currently?

Jirre... is she your wife and a mother? Or is she a paid employee? WTF is wrong with her?

What were your plans for this situation when you two discussed having this baby?

I think she was his GF when they had the baby.

 

[RedViking]

Even if I did do this, and paid her etc. If I ever got retrenched/lost my job or whatever, that's all money gone - It would put a mountain of stress on my shoulders. Now I doubt I would lose my job, but damn, just the knowledge that my whole family is entirely dependent on me, that's another level.

That is true. But people have lived for ages with house wife's. Can you really live in fear like that? The option is for your wife to do something from home on the side line.

 

[TheMightyQuinn]

I think she was his GF when they had the baby.

She's his wife NOW...yes?

 

[Cius]

Your financial system and how you view family money sounds a bit odd to me. My wife is at home looking after the kids because she wants to and I have always tried to support her in that. When she was working we tried to not commit her salary to anything ongoing. She still works on the side and earns some but we have never ever viewed our earnings as our own money. What we earn is family money that goes into the family budget. Out of that budget we pay pocket money to all family members that is then your money that you can do what you want with. We have separate categories for clothes etc. My wife has a bigger clothing category than me as she also has expenses like makeup etc that I do not have. When you start viewing family income as our money not my money it can help. It is also very important to have money that is your own but it needs to come out of the budget and be fair. If a wife has to ask for money from a husband every time she needs something it tends to go bad fast in my experience. Every time there is any kind of a fight money becomes an issue and a weapon. I know of many couples where the wife wants to be at home, husband would also prefer that, they can afford it, but the wife works purely because she could not deal with the constant demeaning act of having to beg her husband for money every time she needed anything. Take money out of that equation at least.

One additional comment. The above system only works of both marriage partners are trustworthy and stick to the budget. I know of couples where that is not the case. In fact we have friends that are shocked that my wife has copies of my bank cards for herself as they could never do that in their relationships which I find sad. I can completely trust my wife with stuff like that and she can trust me. We don't spend unless we have the money saved and available for that purpose.

Good luck either way.

 

[s0lar]

Have you considered a domestic with verifiable childcare experience and/or child care certification? Ours has and she does take care of the little one as my wife works half day twice a week. Sure we pay her a few grand more than a regular domestic but well worth it.

 

[RedViking]

Your financial system and how you view family money sounds a bit odd to me. My wife is at home looking after the kids because she wants to and I have always tried to support her in that. When she was working we tried to not commit her salary to anything ongoing. She still works on the side and earns some but we have never ever viewed our earnings as our own money. What we earn is family money that goes into the family budget. Out of that budget we pay pocket money to all family members that is then your money that you can do what you want with. We have separate categories for clothes etc. My wife has a bigger clothing category than me as she also has expenses like makeup etc that I do not have. When you start viewing family income as our money not my money it can help. It is also very important to have money that is your own but it needs to come out of the budget and be fair. If a wife has to ask for money from a husband every time she needs something it tends to go bad fast in my experience. Every time there is any kind of a fight money becomes an issue and a weapon. I know of many couples where the wife wants to be at home, husband would also prefer that, they can afford it, but the wife works purely because she could not deal with the constant demeaning act of having to beg her husband for money every time she needed anything. Take money out of that equation at least.

One additional comment. The above system only works of both marriage partners are trustworthy and stick to the budget. I know of couples where that is not the case. In fact we have friends that are shocked that my wife has copies of my bank cards for herself as they could never do that in their relationships which I find sad. I can completely trust my wife with stuff like that and she can trust me. We don't spend unless we have the money saved and available for that purpose.

Good luck either way.

This is why I like giving my wife a salary. That way she has freedom to do with her money whatever she wants without having to consult with me first.

She also covers some of the responsibilities which she manages with the money.

My money, is her money as well, but because I need to manage it, we first just need to chat when spending on unplanned stuff.

So giving her a salary keeps her somewhat independent and just makes sense to me. It goes against the traditional mindset though.

I don't know why people over react like that and sounds so shocking. If course if you can't afford it and she still demands, you have bigger problems on hand than just the money. But that is just an unhealthy relationship to start with.

 

[R13...]

She's his wife NOW...yes?

Point is the baby was probably not planned or discussed prior to him knocking her up. At least that how it seems from his previous threads. Admirable that he did right by her even after the fact.

 

[Hamster]

That is true. But people have lived for ages with house wife's.

We didn't really allow them to have a proper job up until about a 100 years ago though.

 

[Hamster]

Alimony? Are we talking about alimony here?

 

[Cius]

This is why I like giving my wife a salary. That way she has freedom to do with her money whatever she wants without having to consult with me first.

She also covers some of the responsibilities which she manages with the money.

My money, is her money as well, but because I need to manage it, we first just need to chat when spending on unplanned stuff.

So giving her a salary keeps her somewhat independent and just makes sense to me. It goes against the traditional mindset though.

I don't know why people over react like that and sounds so shocking. If course if you can't afford it and she still demands, you have bigger problems on hand than just the money. But that is just an unhealthy relationship to start with.

Can fully agree. Sounds like what I call pocket money you call salary. From what OP is saying though it sounds like the wife wants a lot of money as her pocket money/salary and he will be left with almost nothing for himself. Hence me advising to look it as a family budget rather with both getting pocket money that is fair.