Why is it so challenging to find someone who is willing to commit to Christian dating?

[RedViking]

I would advice to look for someone at church with similar values and expectations to what you have. But unfortunately churches have "modernised" , and once you have said the Jesus prayer, you may carry on to live the way you used to live as that is all what is needed. So people's values inside what you would think is a place that commit to similar values, is not much different to the rest.

I do find it sad that when you go on a date with someone, that you first have to let them know you want to take things "slowly". What does that even mean. The world is obsessed with sex and instant gratification. The fact that you can't have good friendships these days without having to discuss sex first is crazy.

I think you just need to have good friends and build friendships and naturally you will develope a deeper friendship with the person you know has the same values as you have. If you need to explain that you only want sex at marriage or "take things slow", then it means you did not have a good friendship to start with.

If course in any relationship you need to be able to discuss challenges and boundaries and stuff, but surely it should not be the way a relationship starts with.

Also where do you draw the line. Can the person hold your hand. Can the person cuddle with you. Can you kiss. Can you do late knight visits. You see where this is going. So there is more to a relationship than just verbally declaring boundaries. At some point those very boundaries will become the focus and not that which really matters, building a good friendship and enjoying each others time without having an agenda.

By then you should know the other person values, which will be the same as yours, or strife to be at least, and then when the right time comes you get married and fireworks. And if there are issues that arise, then you work around it, because the relationship was not built on sex.

 

[konfab]

As for OP:

I am 25yrs old and not a virgin. For the past two years, I've been learning new things about my Christianity that I did not know or that I was not entirely really taught

Don't buy that for a second. Sounds like you got tired of the type of guy that was interested in you, and now you want better quality fruit.

One of those decisions is to not have sex again until I get married. Which is fairly easy as I don't really have that much experience with the other gender.

You had enough experience to let a member of the other gender stick their d!ck into you though.

I've only tried dating twice in these two years and both were turned-off by the fact that I want to avoid sex...until marriage most preferably. But even Christian guys seem to think I'm chasing pavements.

What makes you think you are entitled to the attention of these men?

Contrary to what modern feminism might have told you, there is no such thing as the "man store" where you can just go and pick up a "good man" once you have finished partying.

 

[rietrot]

Maybe because when people are irresponsible with their genitals, they make an unwanted child. All religion is, is just a codification of a very easily observed phenomena.
Unwanted children = bad, therefore be careful that you don't make an unwanted child.

I have a very simple rule, which is simply based on biology. And that is you shouldn't be having sex with a person if you don't want to have and raise a child with them. That is the function of sex in human biology, and thus basing your behaviour around this is the thing that will make your life the easiest.

It is slightly more than just making a child. We have solved that problem.

Yet people struggle more with commitment issue today than ever. It is the illusion of choice, that there is always something or someone better. And then they fail to grow up and become adults.

 

[konfab]

Reasonable. Then again, adults are hardly punished for fscking unwanted children into existence and then abandoning them/raising them badly. I think when society starts hacking off the heads of adults found to be harming children and placing them on pikes along the N1, nothing will change.

Regardless of the beheading, by the time that you have an unwanted child, it is already too late for the problem to be solved.

The solution to the problem lies before that.

 

[R13...]

Regardless of the beheading, by the time that you have an unwanted child, it is already too late for the problem to be solved.

The solution to the problem lies before that.

Heads on spikes serve as warning to future offenders. That's the medieval did it (to brag too).

 

[konfab]

It is slightly more than just making a child. We have solved that problem.

Yet people struggle more with commitment issue today than ever. It is the illusion of choice, that there is always something or someone better. And then they fail to grow up and become adults.

Doesn't matter.
Emotionally, people are still the same as they were before birth control was invented. Therefore, the same rule should still apply.

An analogy is the core rule of firearm safety: you treat the weapon as if it is loaded.

 

[konfab]

I would advice to look for someone at church with similar values and expectations to what you have. But unfortunately churches have "modernised" , and once you have said the Jesus prayer, you may carry on to live the way you used to live as that is all what is needed. So people's values inside what you would think is a place that commit to similar values, is not much different to the rest.

That is easier said than done.


Babylon Bee had a very funny article on that:

LAS CRUCES, NM—The Everly family is now commuting 700 miles to church each Sunday in order to attend a congregation that meets their incredibly specific requirements, sources close to the family of four confirmed Monday.

https://babylonbee.com/news/local-family-commutes-700-miles-attend-church-meets-exact-specifications

 

[rietrot]

Doesn't matter.
Emotionally, people are still the same as they were before birth control was invented. Therefore, the same rule should still apply.

An analogy is the core rule of firearm safety: you treat the weapon as if it is loaded.

Very conservative, just don't do it, argument. I agree, I can't say that it is wrong, but it certainly wasn't for me.

 

[R13...]

Why do you want to date? Just friend zone someone and get the benefits of a relationship without the complication of someone expecting sex and such.

 

[rietrot]

It's actually interesting - From a quick look, the majority of mainstream Christians do not adhere to the notion of no sex before marriage, when it comes down to it. Is it reasonable to say that even in this particular pond, this is by today's standards, an 'extreme' view?

The same quick look shows that (as we might expect), the history of sex and Christianity is fascinating and complex - No point here, other than it's interesting to look at such fundamental human desires clashing with one another (the biological imperative VS the somewhat arbitrary rules of a given religious framework).

For whatever it is worth, my own experience as a human makes the idea of not having sex with someone you hope to spend the rest of your life with, a bit of a crazy concept - Relationships are complex, and there are so many decisions you need to make before committing to someone. Sexual compatibility is (obviously) extremely important (to anyone with a sex drive), and what happens if it turns out two partners do not mesh in this regard, but are now locked into a contract that they view as not just legal but binding in God's eyes? Nothing good, I would warrant.

Also, I do not think it is healthy to view sex as a sin, whatever the scenario, provided it involves consenting adults. We have enough problems as a society as it is, and putting (what I view as) an arbitrary and unnatural barrier between our most basic driving force is problematic.

Each to their own though, of course. I hope OP finds success and a partner with whom this all works. I just struggle to understand the why of it, outside of, 'well, them's the rules' (which brings up all the usual questions then, about shellfish, etc).

The sample size of people I've slept with is not enormous, but I can safely say that if the sex part came once I was locked into a legal obligation to that person, there would have been big trouble on the horizon with the majority of my previous partners, so the odds are not in the favour of not testing the waters, in my view.

Perfectly illustrates the commitment issues people have.

After two dates you should know if you can give it a serious go or not then you might as well just get married.

 

[konfab]

Very conservative, just don't do it, argument. I agree, I can't say that it is wrong, but it certainly wasn't for me.

It isn't a "just don't do it" argument.

It is simply a criterion for the amount you need to know about someone (and about yourself) that you should apply before you have sex with them.

 

[Anti-Chris]

We have all heard that sex before marriage is a sin but too few people compared to the world's population get married virgins.

I am 25yrs old and not a virgin. For the past two years, I've been learning new things about my Christianity that I did not know or that I was not entirely really taught while growing up and I have made decisions based on those things.

One of those decisions is to not have sex again until I get married. Which is fairly easy as I don't really have that much experience with the other gender. I've only tried dating twice in these two years and both were turned-off by the fact that I want to avoid sex...until marriage most preferably. But even Christian guys seem to think I'm chasing pavements.

Is this really too much to ask for?

I suggest to continue to learn new things about your religion, read up and study it every day until you realise it is all BS and then make your decisions based on what is best for you and not what an ancient fairy tale tells you...

 

[konfab]

I suggest to continue to learn new things about your religion, read up and study it every day until you realise it is all BS and then make your decisions based on what is best for you and not what an ancient fairy tale tells you...

Yes, much better to listen to modern, progressive advice for dating:

 

[rambo919]

Disclaimer: OP is not gonna like this but keep in mind that it is not meant to cause offense.

The funny thing is that woman because they (typically) don't automatically buildup sex urge the way men do just don't understand male difficulties.

It is LITERALLY impossible for most men to stay chaste as well as romantically interested in a woman for a long period of time...... every thought about nvm touch from this woman is enough to increase the pressure beyond unbearable..... some kind of release really is necessary.

This is why "dating" in the modern sense is unfeasible for someone that believes in no sex outside of marriage. It is also why courtships were such formal affairs in the past where a certain physical as well as emotional distance was kept while both the participants as well as the chaperones/guardians assessed compatibility.

The ONLY way to do long term dating before marriage is to add in some kind of unchastity.

So basically OP has one choice, prayer and finding the right guy to take the gamble on...... with a short courtship instead of dating. If you don't think he's the guy for you within a few months dump him and move on, if you think he is take the gamble and marry him..... either way find a way to make up your damn mind faster than you used to.

Also, if any guy is willing to compromise with adultery (which is ANY sex outside of marriage including premarital) then he is already displaying that he is neither serious about you nor Christianity.

The problem here is OP needs to look the world firmly in the eye for what it is rather than what she want's it to be and change her behavior accordingly. She is 25 not 15, if she want's to be a woman she must stop acting like a girl and demanding change from others as if she is entitled to it.

And as others have untactfully mentioned.... if a certain kind of man does not want to check the boxes you want him to.... change the kind of man you are going after.

 

[ISP cash cow]

If a sexual relationship is not what you want until marriage, then you need to change your idea of "dating" someone. You actually want to be friends with someone until both you and your partner see where things go and a more intimate relationship develops.. Also it may be an idea to build these relationships in your religious communities (or close to it) as most of these men then would hopefully hold the same belief or similar belief system as you hold

As you mentioned in your one post where you say "you are attracted to these men" but they turn out to want to have sex before marriage and that is probably because the attraction is mutual and attraction tends to lead most men to "urges". Unfortunately that is how biology has created us.

Also if you truly believe in your religion then you must also believe that if you hold onto your desire not to want to have sex before marriage then your God will place the right person that is right for you in your path, that will be OK with not having sex with you before marriage.

Good luck OP on your search

 

[rh1]

Whilst finding out more about MGTOW, I came accross the Manosphere. Very insteresting topic. Anyway, men from the Manosphere want the following in a wife:
1. She must be fit, feminine and cute.
2. She must have a low body count i.e. no Summer of Fun girls.
3. She must be submissive
4. She must not have children
5. She must have been raised in a two parent household
6. She must not be masculine (Aggresive, competitive etc) as men dont want to be married to men unless they are gay. She must be friendly and not angry
7. There are a few more, cannot be bothered to type it on my phone.


Disclaimer, using the above,I would not have married my wife as she does not meet 2 of the criteria. This year has been interesting, I found out what Beta, simps etc is. I now know the terms what was wrong with my brother ex wife and why from day 1, I knew she was toxic.

 

[Priapus]

There is a possibility of having sex b4 marriage obviously, but i don't want someone who will want it on our 1st date or just after a few days or weeks. Let's wait it out a few months at least.

It actually has been a deal breaker with some guys that i really liked and would have probably had a great relationship with. But I'm not really willing to compromise.

You sure about that? Seems like you're also not 100% for this no sex till the I do's part...

 

[azbob]

Whilst finding out more about MGTOW, I came accross the Manosphere. Very insteresting topic. Anyway, men from the Manosphere want the following in a wife:
1. She must be fit, feminine and cute.
2. She must have a low body count i.e. no Summer of Fun girls.
3. She must be submissive
4. She must not have children
5. She must have been raised in a two parent household
6. She must not be masculine (Aggresive, competitive etc) as men dont want to be married to men unless they are gay. She must be friendly and not angry
7. There are a few more, cannot be bothered to type it on my phone.


Disclaimer, using the above,I would not have married my wife as she does not meet 2 of the criteria. This year has been interesting, I found out what Beta, simps etc is. I now know the terms what was wrong with my brother ex wife and why from day 1, I knew she was toxic.

Do we have to guess which 2?

 

[rh1]

Do we have to guess which 2?

She is not submissive as per the Manosphere and she was raised by her grandparents.

 

[FrankCastle]

As for OP:

Don't buy that for a second. Sounds like you got tired of the type of guy that was interested in you, and now you want better quality fruit.



You had enough experience to let a member of the other gender stick their d!ck into you though.



What makes you think you are entitled to the attention of these men?

Contrary to what modern feminism might have told you, there is no such thing as the "man store" where you can just go and pick up a "good man" once you have finished partying.

Judgemental much!