Women and friendzone

[aigle2am]

Hi guys

I recently cut ties with a women I met at varsity and ended up as her friend. After a heated argument I told her how I really felt and she told me I am just nothing more than a friend. I decided not to be friends as I wanted more than that. She was very hurt and I feel rather horrible about it. I don't have friends and she is one person who would here me out through good and bad times. Do you guys think I made a serious error in judgement?

 

[OCP]

Your choice not to be friends is understandable but a little immature - not helping your case winning her over.

Rather apologise - tell her she means a lot to you and that you want her in your life either way.

Over time - who knows what can happen; woman are known to change their minds.... repeatedly! ;-)

There are perhaps other factors you are not aware of (she doesnt want a serious relationship before age x / she wants to play the field a bit / etc)

The girl I chased for years I found out eventually got married.... to a woman!

Whatever you do - dont give up; you will find someone.

 

[OrbitalDawn]

Not really, depends how you handled it. You can try the whole friends thing again after you've gotten over her. But if you're not going to then it's better to stay away.

The trick is to not be this guy:

 

[Ancalagon]

No, I dont think you did.

Lets put it this way - what do you want from her? Sexual relationship. What does she want from you? Friendship only.

It does happen occasionally, but usually, once a woman has made up her mind about whether she would date a guy, that decision sticks. So, in 99% of cases, you won't change her mind. She just doesnt find you attractive. (EDIT: just to clarify, this is more than just physical, this is you as a whole. She might find you physically attractive but still not want to date you)

If you can deal with that and not get jealous, then become friends with her. Just be warned, at some point, she will start seeing someone else. She might even ask for your advice on him. You might get invited along during group activities and have to hang out with both and be friendly to the dude that is banging her. Sorry to be blunt, but that is what you will have to deal with. If you can't deal with it, walk away.

In terms of changing her mind, think about this. Think about all of the girls that you know, that you would not date. I'm not talking about those that you would not date because they are family, I'm talking about those that you would not date because you simply dont find them attractive. What would have to change for you to want to date them? Most likely it will be something fundamental about themselves that they are completely unable to change. And in some cases, you won't even know why you don't want to date them, you just know you don't want to date them and never will. Your gut knows.

It's the same with her. It's not likely to be a conscious decision she made. It's likely to be something she feels. So don't get angry with her for "deciding" against you. She didn't decide, she followed her gut, as would you.

 

[greg0205]

http://www.laddertheory.com/

That is all...

 

[Tinuva]

ROFL @ladder theory! People actually believe that?

If you want more than friendship it is simple. You need to man up, and do something about it. Talking to this girl about being more than a friend...guess what? It won't do anything for you. You need to make actual moves, and bold ones at that. The moment you do that, vs talking, she will look at you differently, and actually want the same thing. But being afraid to take the 1st step, means you will never walk in the shoes of the life you could have had with this girl.

As for the ladder theory, I blame feminism for that horse crap. If you are going to let this girl make the choices for you, you will never be happy. If you become a real man, and make the choices for yourself, and go for what you want, you will be happy, and she will follow that and be happy with it as well.

Either way, instead of asking for advice on a forums, go do something about the situation.

 

[Chevron]

No, I dont think you did.

Lets put it this way - what do you want from her? Sexual relationship. What does she want from you? Friendship only.

It does happen occasionally, but usually, once a woman has made up her mind about whether she would date a guy, that decision sticks. So, in 99% of cases, you won't change her mind. She just doesnt find you attractive. (EDIT: just to clarify, this is more than just physical, this is you as a whole. She might find you physically attractive but still not want to date you)

If you can deal with that and not get jealous, then become friends with her. Just be warned, at some point, she will start seeing someone else. She might even ask for your advice on him. You might get invited along during group activities and have to hang out with both and be friendly to the dude that is banging her. Sorry to be blunt, but that is what you will have to deal with. If you can't deal with it, walk away.

In terms of changing her mind, think about this. Think about all of the girls that you know, that you would not date. I'm not talking about those that you would not date because they are family, I'm talking about those that you would not date because you simply dont find them attractive. What would have to change for you to want to date them? Most likely it will be something fundamental about themselves that they are completely unable to change. And in some cases, you won't even know why you don't want to date them, you just know you don't want to date them and never will. Your gut knows.

It's the same with her. It's not likely to be a conscious decision she made. It's likely to be something she feels. So don't get angry with her for "deciding" against you. She didn't decide, she followed her gut, as would you.

This man gets it.

 

[aigle2am]

If you want more than friendship it is simple. You need to man up, and do something about it. Talking to this girl about being more than a friend...guess what? It won't do anything for you. You need to make actual moves, and bold ones at that. The moment you do that, vs talking, she will look at you differently, and actually want the same thing. But being afraid to take the 1st step, means you will never walk in the shoes of the life you could have had with this girl.

Please clarify.

 

[Teebang101]

Not really, depends how you handled it. You can try the whole friends thing again after you've gotten over her. But if you're not going to then it's better to stay away.

The trick is to not be this guy:

Oh no this guy needs some prayers eh...

 

[Pho3nix]

This man gets it.

+1
Many years of trial and error to get this kind of wisdom.
From what I remember you are in your 20's aigle2am. Life is too short to try convince people to want to be with you. My 2cents.

 

[Scooby_Doo]

Hi guys

I recently cut ties with a women I met at varsity and ended up as her friend. After a heated argument I told her how I really felt and she told me I am just nothing more than a friend. I decided not to be friends as I wanted more than that. She was very hurt and I feel rather horrible about it. I don't have friends and she is one person who would here me out through good and bad times. Do you guys think I made a serious error in judgement?

Well done, you get one of these back.

 

[Pho3nix]

Please clarify.

Read my post pleas

ROFL @ladder theory! People actually believe that?

If you want more than friendship it is simple. You need to man up, and do something about it. Talking to this girl about being more than a friend...guess what? It won't do anything for you. You need to make actual moves, and bold ones at that. The moment you do that, vs talking, she will look at you differently, and actually want the same thing. But being afraid to take the 1st step, means you will never walk in the shoes of the life you could have had with this girl.

As for the ladder theory, I blame feminism for that horse crap. If you are going to let this girl make the choices for you, you will never be happy. If you become a real man, and make the choices for yourself, and go for what you want, you will be happy, and she will follow that and be happy with it as well.

Either way, instead of asking for advice on a forums, go do something about the situation.

While I agree in principle and you know I agree with you on many a point regarding such matters. This is different.
He didn't make a grand gesture sure but he was honest and up-front. Many a guy has waited for the opportunity to make that amazing, knight in shining armour gesture that will sweep her off her feet and show her how amazing you are.
Reality check, if your being yourself when you are around her. She would kinda know you are awesome. You shouldn't have to do some cliche bit. Read this http://mybroadband.co.za/vb/showthread.php/618013-Love-Woes and tell me that the gestures get you everywhere.

Be yourself, have some back-bone and be upfront.
Best advice I got from a couple people here on the forum and in real life.
You did good agile.

 

[WaxLyrical]

Tell her you want to make love.

women love the love word.

 

[Tinuva]

Read my post pleas


While I agree in principle and you know I agree with you on many a point regarding such matters. This is different.
He didn't make a grand gesture sure but he was honest and up-front. Many a guy has waited for the opportunity to make that amazing, knight in shining armour gesture that will sweep her off her feet and show her how amazing you are.
Reality check, if your being yourself when you are around her. She would kinda know you are awesome. You shouldn't have to do some cliche bit. Read this http://mybroadband.co.za/vb/showthread.php/618013-Love-Woes and tell me that the gestures get you everywhere.

Be yourself, have some back-bone and be upfront.
Best advice I got from a couple people here on the forum and in real life.
You did good agile.

OK I was more leaning towards being a badboy instead of whiteknight, which I agree with you won't work.

When you say be yourself, I believe you should go for what you want. Women love men like that, men who has a purpose on life.

 

[Pho3nix]

OK I was more leaning towards being a badboy instead of whiteknight, which I agree with you won't work.

When you say be yourself, I believe you should go for what you want. Women love men like that, men who has a purpose on life.

Completely agree. Being yourself and having direction(women call this ambition or what have you) will build up a persons self-esteem which does wonders for them with the opposite sex. Just do it for your own happiness.

To those on a rant about posting his issues on a forum ->
1.This is the Health and Relationship sub-forum
2.Had 2 long years of school fees before myBB (yes, this forum filled with Linux geeks) slapped me out of my stupor. Was p\/ssy whipped like not other. Nothing wrong with getting 3rd party advice on a situation. Gives you insight.
3. The guy needed some help before he made a tit of himself.

Tinuva, don't know if I've mentioned this but your threads have also helped a lot . Seems me and you at times have been through the same struggle.

 

[Tinuva]

To those on a rant about posting his issues on a forum ->

I kinda did that too =/ but you are right at least he is asking.

Tinuva, don't know if I've mentioned this but your threads have also helped a lot . Seems me and you at times have been through the same struggle.

I am glad it helped someone

Many of the times I had guys on here arguing with me instead, and sarcastically telling me good luck trying to become an "alpha male".

Wonder what aigle2am decided to do now.

 

[Slootvreter]

I have just made it clear to a good female friend (one could say friends with benefits) that I cannot offer her anything more, in terms of a relationship, which is what she wanted. This is inevitable when you are involved with someone for friendship and sex. I feel terrible now.

 

[STS]

Read my post pleas


While I agree in principle and you know I agree with you on many a point regarding such matters. This is different.
He didn't make a grand gesture sure but he was honest and up-front. Many a guy has waited for the opportunity to make that amazing, knight in shining armour gesture that will sweep her off her feet and show her how amazing you are.
Reality check, if your being yourself when you are around her. She would kinda know you are awesome. You shouldn't have to do some cliche bit. Read this http://mybroadband.co.za/vb/showthread.php/618013-Love-Woes and tell me that the gestures get you everywhere.

Be yourself, have some back-bone and be upfront.
Best advice I got from a couple people here on the forum and in real life.
You did good agile.

When did you become a love expert?

 

[Pho3nix]

When did you become a love expert?

LOL not even. Just been blessed with many a crazy woman.
OOC : Get back to mafia. We miss you

 

[Mr_M]

In my humble opinion you cannot be friends with an ex-girlfriend. There's just too much emotional baggage.