The worst call centre ever
The first thing you hear when calling a contact centre is the interactive voice response (IVR). To get off on the wrong foot, it's essential that the options presented to the customer should be as varied and obtuse as possible.
Also make sure that you use all the numbers on the keypad, as there's nothing we like more than having to listen to 10 different options.
While you're at it, ensure that you pick someone off the street to record the voice prompts. The less intelligible the voice, the better. Once your customer has navigated his way through your labyrinthine IVR, make sure he's left hanging on as long as possible.
It's preferable that you don't have a voice that apologises for the length of time that people have been kept waiting. In fact, just a ringing tone is the best option to frustrate your customers.
If you actually let your customers talk to an agent, ensure that the agent knows nothing about the products he's supposed to be talking about. The more clueless the agent, the better. There's nothing that customers like more than an agent who makes things up on the fly. Also make sure that every agent gives a different story: confusion is the name of the game here.
If your customer needs to be referred to a different department, make sure that it isn't just a matter of transferring them. Make sure they have to hang up and dial another number and then wait in another queue to get the information they're looking for. Passing the buck is an old favourite.
Finweek
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