Wikileaks: somewhat underwhelming
Been following the Wikileaks saga? According to a very learned source, my gorgeous wife, it’s really hotting up: Julian Assange, the pesky sheep (or government) shagger, is in hiding; the special forces of a number of countries, from the navy SEALs to the Spetznaz, are hunting him; he’s not likely to get a visa to visit the US or to receive a farm in Zimbabwe; and so on.
Right on, my brother. I love trouble makers. I am with you all the way. Having said which, however, I’ll be damned if I know what the fuss is about.
Over an interesting kosher sausage at my daughter’s cheder graduation the other day, an acquaintance said he was looking forward to getting home to his computer to see what was going to be revealed …
His interest was infectious and though I have been busy with, you know, sleeping, eating, going to work, and so on, I too started my trawl – if only yesterday. I began with the gorgeous but sometimes rather sombre Felicity Duncan, Moneyweb’s American correspondent.
She explained it all: “On Sunday the website Wikileaks began publishing a set of over 250 000 illegally leaked, American diplomatic cables. About 5 000 of the cables were put up on the Wikileaks site together with a promise of more to come, and the whole giant stack was given to five news outlets – the New York Times (USA), El Pais (Spain), The Guardian (UK), Der Spiegel (Germany), and Le Monde (France), which have been publishing stories based on the cables for the last few days.
“Diplomatic cables,” Duncan continued, “are basically the internal memos of the diplomatic world. Diplomats write them by the dozen, and they cover a range of topics, including upcoming events, meetings with interesting people, even briefings for visiting officials. The cables are circulated through embassies, the State Department, and even the White House, and in many cases are classified as Secret. Some of the revelations emerging from the cables are fascinating …”
That’s where I disagree a little. I looked really hard for some seriously fascinating, shocking and riveting stuff, for some revelations, but didn’t find much, if anything.
The only thing that caused me deep happiness was yesterday’s front page of our own Daily Sun.
Its headline read: “It’s official: Mugabe is a crazy old man.” This was, of course a reference to our International Relations minister, the zaftig Maite Nkoane-Mashabane, who apparently branded him thus. I guess she won’t be on any missions to Harare in the near future.
But, before we go any further, let’s in the interests of clarity and brevity, summarise the most exciting “revelations”.
Saudi Arabia’s king, Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz, does not smaak Iran; I’m-a-dinner-jacket (Ahmadinejad), its leader; or its alleged nuclear capabilities. Angela Merkel is apparently not very creative (could’ve fooled me). Nicolas Sarkozy, the Froggie prince, is “mercurial”. Prince Andrew is an enormous upper-class twit. Hilary Clinton is a bit of a cow who always poking her nose into other folk’s business.
Then there’s our man, Brother Leader Muammar Ghadafi, who’s apparently had botox and is dependent upon a voluptuous Ukrainian nurse. (And your point is, as my friend Kevin Ritchie might ask? I.e., who wouldn’t want a voluptuous Ukrainian nurse at his beck and call?)
Nelson R Mandela, “our first democratic president,” wanted (heaven knows why) to meet Margaret Thatcher. But apparently those interfering Sisulus inter alios interfered and wouldn’t let him do so.
Robert “Rhubarb” Mugabe, the Zimbabwean nutter, is a crazy old man, but according to US ambassador Christopher Dell was also more clever and more ruthless than any other politician in Zimbabwe. Well, there wasn’t and isn’t much competition, my china.
There was another quite funny part when the Saudi Arabian king suggested that released Guantanamo detainees should have electronic devices implanted in their bodies (up the wazoo?) so that their whereabouts could be tracked. This, the king apparently noted, was successfully done “with horses and falcons,” but his American interlocutor replied that “horses don’t have good lawyers.”
As for Prince Andrew, he is alleged to have made moronic comments during a brunch at the Hyatt Regency Hotel in the Kyrgyz capital of Bishkek. Does someone seriously want me to believe that there is a place called Kyrgyz, with a capital called Bishkek? Pull the other one, boys; you got that from a Sacha Baron Cohen movie.
Andy allegedly said that “f*****g journalists … poke their noses everywhere and make it harder for British businessmen to do business.” Well, the boy has it right, does he not?
What else? Bashar al-Assad, the gormless Syrian president, is apparently still giving arms to Hezbollah, even though he said he wouldn’t. I guess local Middle East politicians Nathan Geffen, Doron Isaacs, and Steven Friedman might be forced to re-think a few things…
And then let’s not forget that some Amerikanski described Silvio Berlusconi, the Italian gigolo president, as “feckless, vain, and ineffective as a modern leader,” and Israeli furniture salesman Benjamin Netanyahu is said to be “elegant and charming, but loath to keep his promises”.
You see where I’m going here, don’t you? There’s nothing really surprising in all of the above, is there? It’s like reading a good columnist who tells it like it is – David Bullfinch, Karen Bliksem, Eusebius Mckaiser, Steven “the babe magnet” Friedman, S’thembiso Msomi, Anton Harber, Anthony Butler, and so on.
In short, we all really knew in our heart of hearts that that is how diplomats really talk and think. It’s real life without the silly posturing and other nonsense that politicians and governments generally indulge in. There are no really shocking secrets or surprises.
I mean, I could do the same as this Assange guy. Obviously, I don’t have the technology that Wikileaks has – but I can reveal a few cables or dispatches from important people that most people don’t know about. I don’t want to give too much away, or embarrass too many people, so here are just three from my own collection. I’m not going to date any of them; that would be giving away too much.
From Oregan Hoskins, president of the SA Rugby Union. Geez, Jem, not only are we the rape and murder capital of the world, but we’ve lost to the Scots! To the Scots! A bunch of pooftas – who wear skirts. They’ve got no balls – and we lose to them. Will no one rid me of this man De Villiers???
From Nosiviwe Mapisa-Nqakula, minister of correctional services. I hope all is going well there with the Wits Justice Project, Jeremy. Did you see what happened with that cheeky inspecting judge of prisons, Deon du Plessis? He might have three doctorates but he’s not very smart. He expected me to read his long and tedious report. For what does he think I employ Manelisi Wolela and various others?
From Jacob Zuma, president of the republic. Jeremy, jovial fat boy, I really didn’t know what to do with that putz, Siphiwe Nyanda. He was screwing up left, right and centre. Thank heavens Lakela came up with the idea of him being my personal rep in parly. He can’t do much damage there. And now I’ve got to go to Zim again to see the nutter. There’s not even any good nookie at those meetings. Ever since Gideon Gono, Bob’s kept Grace well away from me.
Wikileaks cables << Have you gleaned interesting information from the latest leaks?
*Jeremy Gordin, born in Pretoria in 1952, is the director of Wits University journalism programme’s Justice Project, which examines miscarriages of justice. A journalist since 1976, he was formerly associate editor of The Sunday Independent. Educated at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem and Unisa, he has an honours degree in ancient cultures and languages. Gordin has written or co-authored three non-fiction works, including his bestselling biography of Jacob Zuma, and three volumes of poetry. In 2007 he was the Mondi Shanduka Journalist of the Year. He is married to Deborah Blake; they have two children, Jake and Nina, a dog called Henri, a cat named Mikro, and a hamster, Hymie.
Source: Moneyweb
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