iPhone 6s review redux – completely, utterly meh

You may have read another review for the iPhone 6s on these hallowed pages by the so-called “Staff Writer”.

I am embarrassed to report that unashamed Apple fanboy was an impostor.

It has become apparent that he stole my identity, likely by backtracing my IP address and hacking my cyber accounts, and is now going around the Net besmirching my good name.

What follows is the Real Staff Writer™ iPhone 6s review.

Putting the “S” in iPhone 6s

As Apple has done every two years since 2009, it has released an “S” version of the previous year’s iPhone. This means it keeps the same basic case design, but everything else changes.

But what does “S” stand for? Surprise, secret, and souped-up could fit all, but in truth it stands for sorry.

  • iPhone 3G: Battery life!
  • iPhone 3Gs: Sorry.
  • iPhone 4: Death grip!
  • iPhone 4s: Sorry.
  • iPhone 5: Apple Maps!
  • iPhone 5s: Sorry! (We didn’t fix it completely, though.)
  • iPhone 6 / 6 Plus: I can bend this thing with my bare hands!
  • iPhone 6s / 6s Plus: Whoops, sorry!

This year the iPhone cycle proved to be as predictable as ever.

The iPhone 6s and 6s Plus look and feel almost exactly the same as the 6 and 6 Plus, but there are a few shiny new toys to excite iFicionados.

7000-series aluminium case

Only try to realise the truth…there is no iPhone 6. Then you will see it is not the iPhone 6 that bends, it is only yourself.

A strong gust of wind can’t bend the phone anymore. That’s a start.

Live Photos

What is this, Hogwarts?

When HTC’s Zoe and Nokia’s Living Images did it, it was a gimmick. When Apple does it, it’s a cool feature. This is the reality you live in. Accept it.

Camera sensor upgrades

iPhone 6 camera
iPhone 6s camera

Even after being upgraded to 12 megapixels on the back and 5 megapixels on the front, the iPhone 6s still doesn’t have the highest-resolution cameras in the business.

Size doesn’t matter, I hear, but isn’t that the kind of thing someone with a small camera might say?

3D Touch

iPhone 6s - 3D Touch pop-up menu.
iPhone 6s – 3D Touch pop-up menu.

BlackBerry did it! Android did it! Simpsons did it!

Actually, in fairness, 3D Touch is a pretty cool new feature.

Although the haptic feedback Apple uses to tell you when a “3D Touch event” has been triggered is nothing new, having a pressure-sensitive touchscreen is fairly unique (for now).

“Bah!” I hear you fuming from behind your keyboard. “It’s just another doodad Apple tacked on to trick people into buying its expensive phones!”

Nothing would give me more pleasure than to agree with you, but sadly Apple seems to have actually thought this through.

Peek and Pop is cute and occasionally useful, and the jump lists of shortcuts available from app icons is also handy, but using 3D Touch to turn the software keyboard into a trackpad is a genuinely cool feature.

Gone are the days of trying to place your cursor inside a typo-ed word with the precision of stomping on a tiny jumping spider.

This alone has endeared 3D Touch to my cold, obsidian heart.

Conclusion: it’s a smartphone

Another year, another iPhone. It’s harder, better, faster, stronger.

If you were on an iPhone 5s, you’ll probably be upgrading. If your contract is up for renewal, you may want to consider it for your upgrade.

Is it the greatest thing ever? No, but it has 3D Touch.

Is it the worst thing ever? No, but you still can’t delete the useless apps we can’t use in South Africa that Apple ships with it.

It’s just a phone. So chill out, already.

iPhone 6s provided courtesy of MTN SA.

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iPhone 6s review redux – completely, utterly meh