Attention Wives/Girlfriends

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Angelo

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Guidelines for Surviving the World Cup

Dear wife, partner, girlfriend,

1. From June 9 to July 9, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the world cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversation. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. Do not complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the world cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glance at the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right afterwards because, if you catch a cold, I won't have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the world cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor. It won't happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least two six-packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces at my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between midnight and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, do not say "get over it, it's only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so-called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break-up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during half-time but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half-time score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game; hence do not use the world cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends not to have any babies, or any other child-related parties or gatherings that require my attendance because: (a) I will not go, (b) I will not go, and (c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily world cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this, why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?" because the reply will be "refer to rule #2 of this list".

12. And finally, please keep expressions such as "thank God the world cup is only every four years" to yourself. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, and FA Cup.

Thank you for your cooperation.
 
Offside rule for women...

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have. The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes. At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes. Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.

Congratulations - You have just learned the offside rule! Enjoy World Cup Soccer 2006.....!!!
 
Dear Husband/partner/boyfriend,

Thank you for your communication dated 13-06-06. Your requests and demands are duly noted, and will be adhered to so long as you play fair and abide by my added terms and conditions.

1. I will not bother you whilst you are watching a game, and in return you will not bother me at any time I am on the telephone/talking to friends/bathing/reading/chatting to the hottie online. Not even to find your socks.

2. There is no need to further restate that you will be "blind, deaf and mute" during a game, as I have always thought you were already naturally "blind, deaf and mute".

3. You may have the remote control. I have already taken the batteries out for 'other purposes'.

4. I will become conversant in World Cup and may even watch a game or two with you, if only to admire the looks, virility and skills of men much younger than yourself.

5. I will not expect you to listen to me at any time. This will not make much difference in my life, considering you never have listened to me in any case.

6. I will not fake sympathy when your team loses. I will not tell you "don't worry, they'll probably win next time" because we both know that they won't. When you team does lose, please know in advance that this is what I will be thinking.

7. I will not question you when you want to watch replays. In return, you will henceforth forever cease to question me when I want to watch the Friday repeat-episode of Oprah, or The Bridges of Madison County for the 20th time. Like you, I wish to see such things again. Many times.

8. All friends and family have been instructed not to have babies or any such gathering that require your attendance. Thank G0d, I hate such events as much as you do. At least now I have your permission to blame you for our inability to attend such functions.

9. If you are unable to pay attention to me, I assume this rule applies to both of us, at night too. I don't care if your friend Mike gets it three times a night, he pays for it. I am simply unable to feel amourous if I have been ignored the entire day.

Thank you for your co-operation.
 
Debbie2 said:
Dear Husband/partner/boyfriend,

Thank you for your communication dated 13-06-06. Your requests and demands are duly noted, and will be adhered to so long as you play fair and abide by my added terms and conditions.

1. I will not bother you whilst you are watching a game, and in return you will not bother me at any time I am on the telephone/talking to friends/bathing/reading/chatting to the hottie online. Not even to find your socks.

2. There is no need to further restate that you will be "blind, deaf and mute" during a game, as I have always thought you were already naturally "blind, deaf and mute".

3. You may have the remote control. I have already taken the batteries out for 'other purposes'.

4. I will become conversant in World Cup and may even watch a game or two with you, if only to admire the looks, virility and skills of men much younger than yourself.

5. I will not expect you to listen to me at any time. This will not make much difference in my life, considering you never have listened to me in any case.

6. I will not fake sympathy when your team loses. I will not tell you "don't worry, they'll probably win next time" because we both know that they won't. When you team does lose, please know in advance that this is what I will be thinking.

7. I will not question you when you want to watch replays. In return, you will henceforth forever cease to question me when I want to watch the Friday repeat-episode of Oprah, or The Bridges of Madison County for the 20th time. Like you, I wish to see such things again. Many times.

8. All friends and family have been instructed not to have babies or any such gathering that require your attendance. Thank G0d, I hate such events as much as you do. At least now I have your permission to blame you for our inability to attend such functions.

9. If you are unable to pay attention to me, I assume this rule applies to both of us, at night too. I don't care if your friend Mike gets it three times a night, he pays for it. I am simply unable to feel amourous if I have been ignored the entire day.

Thank you for your co-operation.
Click to expand...
ROFL :D good comeback Debbie2
 
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