Firstly congrats on being clean for 3 weeks. I'm no where near being shrink, while it's good to get these things out in the open even if it is anonomously, it lessens the load I suppose. No one here can really help you. You need a friend/family member/proffessional to help you. I'm sure there are people here that may be qualified to give you advice, I'd see what they say (I think the general consensus will be to get help and get away) and then take it from there. That said:
- Do you believe that if a man rapes a woman he is forever and always a rapist? Or do you believe that said rapist can change his ways?
Yes a rapist will ALWAYS be a rapist, the same as an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic, and a druggie will always b a druggie. They will always be a recovering rapist/alcoholic/druggie.They can change their ways (with help) however if they were capable once they are capable again.
- If he 'can' change, does that belief still hold true if he does it again?
If they change for the better and they do it again, then no that belief will not hold true, they may"recover" but there's always going to be that chance they will revert back. That's why you need someone physical to help you. To help you with your addiction and to guide you with your decisions.
- Do you draw a line between your common garden variety date rapist and your 'dodgy guy in quiet alley' rapist? Or are they one and the same?
No a rapist will always be a rapist, no matter what the environment.
- Does ANY action justify raping a woman?
The short answer? Nope. However the fact you're asking this question says to me you do think there is a justification. Again, you need to have someone for support. While you've been clean for 3 weeks, you're still a litlte fragile. When you've ben clean for a lot longer I'm sue you'll think differently. I'd say for now, get the hell out of dodge, and disassociate youself from these "bad elements". Easier said than done I know
- Does being under the influence of alcohol some how lessen the degree of responsibility on the rapists side?
Not a chance, while I can see where yor logic is in this question the answer is no. Rape is rape, no excuse for it at all. Again you're trying to justify, which confirms to me you need more help than anyone can give on here.
- Could / would a rapist ever be able to fully understand the emotional wreckage that sits in the aftermath of the victims psyche?
Yes I'm sure they could however in this situation it doesn't sound like it. The rapist here does not seem to be very remorseful, another indication to vamoosa.
I ask these things for the following reasons:
1) I'm in love with a man who raped me twice.
Are you really? I think you're in a very fragile state of mind (no offence meant) and your logic is better the devil you know than the devil you don't. I think you're frightened of the consequences of what might happen if you break free.
2) I want to help him if he can be helped - for him AND for me.
This is very noble, of you and is very understandable. However help yoursef first. Then help him. Stay cleaner for longer get YOUR life in order and then try to help him. If it means a complete break apart or how ever long it takes I think you should. I'm willing to bet once you ar a lot more "stable". You will see things differently.
3) I need to understand why it seems like he doesnt give a **** for what he's done.
Honestly? You will never undersand. The mere fact that he doesn't seem to give a hoot says to me to get the hell out. Maybe when he becomes genuinely remorseful then maybe you can try and understand a little.
4) Am I making a mistake in not going to the cops (afterall, who would benefit from that?)
I think you are making a mistake. You will both benefit. Why? Well as of yet he has not been punished for his crime, and maybe involving the police will make him see the gravity of what he's done, he may start feeling remorseful and then could be on the road to recovery. Who knows. Only you. Will he become more violent towards you if you do go to the cops? If it's yes, then there's your answer. Go and report it. No matter how much you "love" him. If he doesn't become violent then there is definately a chance for the two of you. You will have some sort of closure as well.
5) Can anyone who hasnt been abused in that way really grasp how it feels?
I don't think they would be able to grasp how it feels, but I'm sure they would understand why you feel the way you do.
6) Am I stuck in some weird stokholm syndrome type cycle (surely being aware and informed on the dynamics of abusive relationships almost negates the potential surrender to said mindsets?)?
Yup certainly seems like it to me. But I'm no pro, I'm not even an amateur.
7) Am I ridiculous for hoping for some kind of acknowledgement or appreciation (from my ex) for my continued support and care for him?
It seems like you want him to love you as much as you love him. At this rate, not going to happen, after all he's violated your body. He doesn't seem to be the appreciative type at all. A one way relaionship will NEVER work
Let it just be said though, that I have not been the innocent vitcim. I have a substance abuse problem that has obviously lead to many deceptions and lies (I've been clean for just on 3 weeks now - yay me!). He is saying that I have hurt him so much with my lies that he will only be able to feel the guilt/remorse that he claims exists when he gets over the lies I told him.
Even though you may have done all these bad things. It's No excuse for him raping you. He's playing the victim and guilt tripping you into staying. One word? Leave. And do it ASAP.
The biggest betrayal in his mind seems to be that (after 3 years) I finally told one of his friends what he did (thats a whole other complicated story on its own - maybe episode 2 of Days of MyLife).
The fact you told someone is good, it's not a betrayal. No matter what the circumstances are. He's violated YOU. He's playing the victim here again and guilt tripping again. Not a very good sign at all.
Does lying to him and telling his friend about the ''incidents'' really mean that he is justified in not caring?
No. If he loves you he will learn to forgive and forget. If he doesn't care now, and feel remorse for what he's done, it will never happen (he will never care)
I'm so confused
As lame as it may sound, I love this guy beyond even my own comprehension. Yes, many may say that you cant love a person if you can lie to them, but (and this is NOT an excuse - even i know that) addiction is very a cunning enemy of life.
Just beause you lie to someone doesn't mean you don't love someone, no matter how malicious the lie is. It gives them reason not to trust you, but doesn't mean you don't love them. While "addicted your skewed logic may have told you you were protecing them from the truth.
The ability to think clearly and make rational decisions that reflect the actual moral standing of the addict is almost nonexistent when using (I say almost because there are some things that I would never do - no matter how high I was).
True, however you've only been "clean" for 3 week. This may be why you are feeling the way you are now. Give it time, your "brain" will recover.
So yeah. It's messed up and completely twisted and fetid and gross and yet I cant seem to find my corner on this one. Any input is welcome. I've tried to sort this stuff out in my head but I'm just not getting anywhere and MyAdsl is SO much cheaper than a shrink
All I can say is good luck with everything. I'm no shrink, and will never claim to be however bottom line is. Get the hell out it doesn't need to be permanent, at least until you've sorted your shiznit out. Things will get clearer
*run and hide*
