Battle with Addictions.

[Lament]

Don’t really know why I’m writing this, hopefully someone, somewhere out there is going though the same and they can relate and this helps them. Otherwise, Maybe one day I will stumble upon this and laugh…Otherwise I can keep it as a summary of my personal journey.

I’m a normal average Joe, I suffer from depression (+- 25years), Im in an underpaid, low level management position which gives me loads of stress and sleepless nights. I’m close to 40, I smoke, I watch porn, I smoke weed, I drink etc.

I know the things I do is wrong. Each time I do them I know I have to stop.

I tried to stop smoking a few times but always failed. Same with weed, Weed I got under control by only smoking every second weekend. Porn I have tried quitting a few times, never lasted more than a week.

So about 4 months ago I decided enough is enough. I stopped smoking all together and I also quit watching porn. In all honestly both has been hell to quit but I have been clean for 4 months with zero relapses. I do struggle with porn the most. Its very hard to explain. At first I never thought I was addicted to porn until I wanted to stop watching porn all together. Now when I say I was “addicted”, I would say I watched porn at least once a day for the last +- 20 years. It was like an escape. The day I tried to stop was the day I realized this was actually an addition as I could not just simply stop, Its the darnest thing though, quitting porn is easy until you get “the urge”, and once that “urge” hits its almost impossible to stop yourself. Its as if something else takes possession of you during this time, people reading this will say bollocks, but I promise you this is what it feels like. Especially after you have lapsed and given in, you feel so utterly disgusted afterwards and you simply cannot explain how this happened. Its like you are 2 different people at that moment. (Yes, I know its still just me, no demon possession or unearthly possession)

So to say quitting porn has been tough is the understatement of the century. These 4 months has been hell, and one would think the urges stops, it does not. You have to take control of each and every situation if you feel the “urge”. And it normally starts small. You will see a picture of someone that arouses you and the next thing you will find yourself browsing pornhub…..Its very important that you are “awake” to your situation.

So the best and easiest is, every time you feel aroused, even in the slightest way, do not feed it. Move your attention to something else, go for a walk, go play with the dog, do anything to take your mind of this, but very important is to leave your phone... Its normally passes very quickly once you have left the room, the hardest part is actually following thorough.

I cannot say quitting has helped with my depression, I’m still depressed. But what I have noticed is I’m much more out of my bubble. I talk much easier with people than I used to, I also say what's on my mind. Normally I would just suppress my feelings. If you have a GF it also helps allot. You will be ready for action much more often lol

Quitting Smoking was much easier between the 2, I do still get urges smoke, but the big difference is you are 100% in control of your decision to smoke or not. The urge is strong but its not overweening like with porn.



So the things I have quit :

Porn - 4months

Smoking - 4 months

Facebook/Social media - 1 month

Weed : I don’t really smoke anymore, but when I do, I will keep it to a max of once every 2 weeks (If you re a smoker, try this, you will thank me)

Alcohol - I still drink a beer now and again, but +- 4 months last time I was “drunk”



Things I still need to quite :

Cellphone and all apps that goes with it. This is a major addiction which I feel 90% of everyone suffers from, obviously people do not know they are addicted. If you want to know if you are addicted. Try going 1 week without your phone…

Eating - If quitting smoking & porn has done anything, its increase my apatite. And I find this especially true when I start stressing about work. Since I cant take a quick smoke. Or take a quick porn-hub release, I eat. And I have picked up +- 8kg the last 4 months -_-

So ja, Thats the story so far. At this stage I'm still hoping the urges gets less. It really is an battle. I sometimes imagine (and feel) its a Good vs Evil battle going on inside. At the moment Good is winning, but barely.

 

[MirageF1]

Good that you're trying to get a handle on your addictions but trying to quit alone as an addict is almost sure to lead to failure, sooner rather than later.
You need a support system as well as a deeper objective look into your lifestyle besides just quitting or the temptations are bound to be retriggered, resurface and .... off the bandwagon you fall!

AA,NA,SA,GA and many other are now online due to Covid.
Literally hundreds of meetings, all time of the day or night.
Give it a try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. If you don't like it, fine, you gave it a bash, but it's helped countless 1000s of others with similar problems to yours over the last 85 years since it was founded.

You'll soon realise you've only scratched the surface of the iceberg. The physical addiction is just one symptom of underlying spiritual, emotional disease.

Best of luck on your journey....
If you need assistance with finding online meetings send me a PM.

 

[mercurial]

DMT is your friend.

 

[kolaval]

Can DMT be my friend?
Thus far shrooms, edibles have not met my expectation

 

[mercurial]

Tons of people do benefit greatly, which is why they now have treatment centers in the USA.

 

[Ejeckt]

Tons of people do benefit greatly, which is why they now have treatment centers in the USA.

There is a lot of potential for psychedelics to treat depression but it's not that simple. You can't just sit in your bedroom tripping balls thinking that in a few hours you'll be just dandy. Having said that, magic mushrooms did resolve my own depression of 20+ years. There's a lot of intentionality and research that needs to be done beforehand though.

@OP. You seem quite determined to overcome your addictions and you are on the right track in recognizing that cigarettes, porn and other habits are part of your depression problem. They're a symptom, and your energy, I think, should be directed at the source. With that in mind, try do some digging into the psychadelic treatment options. Start light and easy, like with documentaries such as Magic Medicine or Dosed. If you're curious about it, then start reading some proper research and get some of the recommended books you come across.

My own story isn't too dissimilar from yours. I battled with many of the same things and also made tremendous efforts to stop. It never quite worked though. My depression just stuck around, even though two years of consistent therapy. The most important realizations that led to my own healing were that 1) childhood experiences and trauma are waaaaaay more important than people realize, and all of us do an excellent job of hiding these experiences from ourselves; and 2) "you" don't exist - what you call I, self, me, etc, are just a mental construct. The concept of the "illusion of self" is a very popular and widely discussed topic so maybe learning about that might bring you some peace like it did for me. Realizing that "you can't help yourself" because that would imply there is a separate "you" and "yourself", it sortof just paves the way for a kind of spontaneous self-acceptance and quieting of all those negative, self-hating type thoughts.

Good luck my friend

 

[bro-da]

I remember reading that one of the ways that help people follow through is replacing the addiction with a more positive "addiction". (personally did this with addictions i have had)

so instead of constantly focusing on not doing something you change focus to something else. do you find yourself doing something like this? or would you consider it?

A good GF/BF (as in understanding and supportive - a high sex drive doesnt hurt either!) really goes a long way helping on the porn and depression front. Having someone you can express yourself with whole heartedly (on all fronts emotionally, sexually and intellectually) is one of the most underrated thing in life and completely worth the effort involved in finding it.

it's a journey - all the best mate!