Difficult living situation

[L0gic B0mb]

I’m dealing with a shared lease situation that’s becoming pretty difficult and would appreciate some advice.

Family members recently moved back and we agreed to move into a place together, along with my partner, thinking it would be a good setup for everyone.

About two months in, things have broken down quite badly. There have been major conflicts, and the living situation is now very tense. nobody speaks to each other unless it's related to the house itself and It’s reached a point where continuing like this doesn’t seem sustainable for the remainder of the lease (10 more months).

We initially all agreed that it would be best to exit the lease early. The lease includes a clause allowing termination with 3 months’ notice and no penalties (assuming no damages), everybody was on the same page.

However, some parties have now changed their stance and don’t want to leave anymore, mainly because it’s not beneficial for them to move at this stage.

Part of this is due to ongoing financial commitments they have elsewhere (my younger sibling still overseas studying, it's her final year), so relocating again would put pressure on them that they haven't accounted for.

This leaves me stuck in a situation that isn’t working, with limited cooperation from the others involved.

Has anyone dealt with something similar in a shared lease? What options are there when not all tenants agree to exit, even if there’s a notice clause in the contract?

I could just give notice to the agency stating it's 3 months notice for me to exit the lease but I know they can't afford that place on their own and coming up with the money for a deposit and first months rent upfront isn't feasible.

 

[Brian_G]

For starters try find a way to detach emotionally. Then make plans where your privacy and space can be somewhat excluded, maybe as simple as a key for your bedroom door lock and headphones.
Somehow remain compassionate (non-emotional sympathy).

Should help if there's no actual danger from any volatile family members.
Maybe seek advice from a social worker.

 

[B-1]

It would help if you list some of the conflicts.
If its something like feeling unsafe in your home vs you just don't get along or have different cleaning standards thats very different.

 

[A3@MBB]

So you feel obliged to remain in the lease because they cant afford it, but they also contribute to the tension situation - strong family bond.

"some parties" does this include either your or your partner? I guess you, as you allude to the financial pressure you feel obligated to cover?

You living with your parents and SO does not like the living situation anymore and the pressure coming from SO?

 

[Fulcrum29]

I learned the hard way that doing agreements with friends and family doesn't work, at least not 95% of the time. There are exceptions to the rule, but life where there are attachments is destined for conflicts. The only way I got out was by choosing war.

 

[B-1]

I learned the hard way that doing agreements with friends and family doesn't work, at least not 95% of the time. There are exceptions to the rule, but life where there are attachments is destined for conflicts. The only way I got out was by choosing war.

Even half the the AI post have got that "family is family" thing how does that excuse anything? What that should mean is we treat each other fairly not I can walk all over someone and they just need to eat it because "family".

 

[SauRoNZA]

That sounds like a them problem…and theirs to sort out.

If you leave it any longer then everyone gets penalised.

So just pull the bandaid off and get it over with.

OR they can take over the entire lease and release costs…which I’m sure isn’t in their favour either.


Caring about everyone else’s feelings is what got you into this situation in the first place and it seems like you still haven’t learnt anything.

 

[saor]

I could just give notice to the agency stating it's 3 months notice for me to exit the lease but I know they can't afford that place on their own and coming up with the money for a deposit and first months rent upfront isn't feasible.

Not really sure what advice you're asking for. Because even if there was an out - you don't want it because you're feeling obliged to stay so they don't incur financial burden. You either need to move out and accept that they're going to incur a burden, or you stay and endure the tension. But then you're stuck in this position for however long it takes them to reach a place where they can afford it...your quality of life is now dependent on other people getting their **** together.

Sit down with them. Have a discussion. Let them know that either you resolve the tension or you're going to have to give notice.

 

[Smiggles]

Move and get your own place. The less people you depend on the happier you’ll be.

 

[Brian_G]

Even half the the AI post have got that "family is family" thing how does that excuse anything? What that should mean is we treat each other fairly not I can walk all over someone and they just need to eat it because "family".

You're talking loyalties, but there's also love and some varieties of that can be a straaange concoction.

Nothing wrong with pulling away; doesn't look good to the clingers though, depends if one can handle their "sadness" / possible resulting rejection.
Bottom line here though is for whichever reasons, OP is clearly committed to at least helping smooth the way but that also limited, so the type of advice direction wanted is a little clearer than usual.

 

[Brian_G]

Sit down with them. Have a discussion. Let them know that either you resolve the tension or you're going to have to give notice.

...though his post showed that initially diplomacy had been tried so doubt it'll make much of a dent. Could boil down to how desperate the family's financial situation is.

I had a reactive, volatile sister live with me for a few weeks (same bedroom!), was a nightmare. But I held in there and she ended up being the one to decide to move

 

[Jet-Fighter7700]

moving to CPT 1500KM from JHB doesn't sound so bad anymore, despite the roulette wheel weather of yours.

 

[neoprema]

Not really sure what advice you're asking for. Because even if there was an out - you don't want it because you're feeling obliged to stay so they don't incur financial burden. You either need to move out and accept that they're going to incur a burden, or you stay and endure the tension. But then you're stuck in this position for however long it takes them to reach a place where they can afford it...your quality of life is now dependent on other people getting their **** together.

Sit down with them. Have a discussion. Let them know that either you resolve the tension or you're going to have to give notice.

Was going to say this too. You need to get them to sit down in one room. Make sure they know YOU are controlling the conversation. And find out what the issues are. Lack of communication and explaining feelings or fears or assumption can lead to many problems that don’t need to exist.

 

[Brian_G]

Make sure they know YOU are controlling the conversation.

That may be part of the problem - sounds like the parent(s) are involved, so there may have been a bit of switched role playing with this move which can be really hard.