Hospital emergency rooms are great places to go to catch chicks on the rebound. Hang out in the waiting room until a woman (a good looking one if you're picky) gets the news that her significant other has croaked. Then walk up and say something like, "I couldn't help but hear about your loss. You have a nice smile. Want to get some sushi?" This should work. If by some chance it doesn't, start following her around everywhere she goes – the mortuary – the psychiatrist's office – the cemetery, always with gifts like change and bits of paper to shower her with (she'll have enough flowers by then, so don't bring those). If she still won't accept you as her new lover, write a pointed letter of complaint to your local newspaper.
When you're out at a restaurant with a girl, order a glass of wine. When it comes, knock it over onto the table and stare at her. Order something that comes with French fries and say, "I'm going to eat the French fries first. " Then, when the food comes, eat the French fries first and say, "See, I told you so."
Girls are attracted to firemen and guys who make a lot of money. An outfit consisting of a business suit accessorized by a briefcase, fire boots, a fireman's helmet and a Dalmatian is guaranteed to get you noticed.
More sophisticated women respect men who read a lot. If you're out with a woman like this but don't read, do your best to fake it. Tell her you read lots of books. If she asks you which ones, tell her it's none of her ****ing business.
It's very important to make a good impression on a girl's parents when meeting them for the first time. Ask the old man what he does for a living, and no matter what it is, say, "I knew that already. I was just trying to make conversation." If you're offered something to drink, announce that you're already drunk. Then say, "I'm just kidding."
Girls love talking about themselves, especially about their bowel movements and menstrual cycles. When you're on a date, steer the conversation toward these topics.
If you're at the movies with a girl, tell her you're going to go get some popcorn, but leave the theatre instead and drive to a supermarket and buy some pork chops. Then, go to the girl's house, break in and cook the chops. When the girl gets home she'll be very impressed because girls like surprises.
Girls really like it when a guy's pants fall down. Unbutton the button on your pants, loosen your belt and put your hands in your pockets so that you can hold them up in the least conspicuous way possible. Then, walk into a place where there are a lot of women – like an aerobics class or a breast cancer support group – and let them go. Shout, "Oh, look at that. My pants fell down. HAHA!" They'll be all over you.
If your date is imaginary, make sure she's not sitting next to any big hot-tempered men when you ask her to come back to your place.
