Blu - I know where you're coming from. What's the point in 'fighting' to hold on to someone who doesn't want you? A fool's quest?
But things are rarely if ever that simple. And because there is a marriage there are good grounds for believing that this was not always the case.
Why have they stopped wanting to be with you? They once did - so what changed? And why? What part (though commission or ommission) did I play in that change? Do they really, really think like that, or is it a mask for hurt and self-protection?
What's really going on?
Dealing with real reality in all its dimensions will sort the lovers from the fools.
Saving a marriage is always hard work. If you are lucky, it will be so hard you call it a fighting to save your marriage. Why is this lucky? Because it means you will plumb depths and draw on powers you would never normally call on. This is very, very hard, but nothing else you do can match the rewards. You will do it for the sake of something bigger and better than either one of you alone: your "two in one flesh" life together. The "victory" from this "fight", if you persevere, is beyond your imagining - the real, deep love of your spouse, proven in a battle to the death. It is a great mercy to be challenged to the very core of your being and beyond. But it is not easy. Rising to the challenge will show who you really are, and reveal your spouse to you in ways more beautiful than you can now imagine. If you maintain courage, love is worth fighting for, even to death.
There are many, many reasons why spouses drift apart. But getting back again pretty much requires walking back along the path of love, and this time round it's not easy because the chemistry has changed.
The following are unavoidable practicalities, inevitably generalised, so tailor to your own marriage architecture:
1) Be prepared to surrender your position on everything and anything that does not involve a basic and universal moral principle (eg truthfulness, honesty). Then actually surrender it, ie act and do, not just notions and words. You need to be very clear on what basic principles are, which apply mutatis mutandis, and know that they apply to you as well. It means getting off your high horse.
2) Truly forgiving any injury or hurt howsoever caused, whether intentionally, negligently or ignorantly. This means delivering yourself again into the power of your spouse, opening up to be vulnerable again. This goes to the heart of what marriage is - self-surrender out of love for the other in contradistinction to love/protection of self. Love cannot incarnate without sacrifice, period.
3) Carefully, ruthlessly and systematically examining every aspect about yourself that hurts, injures, damages, belittles, demeans , disrespects or in any way reduces or stifles your spouse. What about me is an obstacle to my spouse loving me unreservedly? What needs, shortcomings, failures, inadequacies, habits, mannerisms, and general ways of proceeding do I have that are difficult for my spouse? Don't leave the questions without getting answers, even of only interim answers. Then act specifically, ruthlessly, systematically and courageously to change my ways for the sake of my spouse, who is my first love (or who used to be, and that needs to be recovered).
4) It means getting inside the other person and looking at yourself from their viewpoint, and seeing their view as valid from their perspective -- even if they can't or won't do so (that will change if you persevere). Listen with an open (and wounded) heart and be prepared to change. Then act appropriately on that intention. If that intention eludes you, then at least formulate the intention to want to change for the sake of the other.
5) Remind yourself at least 3 times a day (make the time and go through the list) of what qualities you love/once loved in your spouse, even if they've changed (which they will have). Ask yourself why they changed, and what part you played in that change, and once you have answers, resolve to work to make good the inevitable deficit in your own historical actions/neglects.
6) One of the greatest challenges is truly and honestly putting aside your own hurt. Not ignoring it, or pretending it's not there ... just not reacting out of it. We so easily tumble into a position where we are angry and resentful because the other cannot or will show the slightest hint of acknowledging my position or wanting to reconcile. Both parties retreat into a position where to give in first is regarded as weakness, whereas if it is done with love it is in fact a sign of strength. Pray for the stength to be real, open, honest, and gentle.
7) Resolve to speak gently, affectionately, tenderly, but always truthfully, and always aware that what you are feeling the other is feeling just as intently even if buried behind a cold or hard exterior. This requires you to reach high and deep for the courage and love to 'hold on' for both of you, to supply the strength for both of you when the other falters. Marriage is too precious to surrender when the going gets tough - part of the whole project is supplying the strength and resources needed when the other falters or falls. This is especially tough when you are angry and hurt because you feel unrecognised or unacknowledged. When you feel this way, drop what you are busy with and do something nice specifically for your spouse ... make a cup of tea, whatever - anything that is nice for them and untainted by your own agenda / need.
8) If necessary, get outside help, such as from a wise married couple with more years experience than you, or from a marraige counsellor. But be careful who you select - even professionals can project their own agendas or provide advice that is ideologically driven, and that can poison your relationship further. Make sure you clarify upfront that you seek only counsel to preserve your marriage and recover your love, not end it.
