OK.
Is there a specific reason why I would need to do this first? What I'm looking to do is build up a quick & dirty knowledge of VB programming, enough to do basic databases.
Well, the MCTS certifications are quite sought after by most companies, because it adds to the Microsoft Partnership points if more employees with MS Certifications work there. The certifications also give you a broad knowledge base of the specific area of interest.
Critical factor here is time, I don't want to go spend 3 years at university, or even one year. I need somewhere that offers courses like - beginners, intermediate, advanced - etc.
Well, like I said, the MCTS: Web Developer course is just 2 exams, you should be able to complete an instructor-led course in about a month. That should put you somewhere between Beginner and Intermediate, if you pay attention and practice what you learned.
After that, you could pursue the MCPD (Microsoft Certified Professional Developer) certification to gain some "professional" insight into your area of interest. Again, it's just one "upgrade" exam from MCTS and you should be able to do it within a month or so, instructor-led.
You are saying that something like web development is a good place to start?
Definitely, yes. Based on what you want to do, a web application sounds ideal. If you don't have much prior knowledge of VB.NET (yet), I would highly recommend you rather go the C# route. You'll still be using Visual Studio.NET, only the language (i.e. syntax) will differ a little. But, as most programmers would tell you, syntax-schmyntax. If you can program in one language, you should be able to program in them all (except ASM

).
Good luck!