How to Console your child?

[Mortymoose]

Tough parenting time around the corner, our little town is waiting to hear news out of the capital about the health of one of "children"

A longtime classmate of MiddleMoose has been battling cancer for the better part of four years, in and out of hospitals, treatments galore...... town folk did fund raising on numerous occasions , 13 year old A managed to squeeze in a few months of school here and there....

Our town is a very close town, right across all demographic groups...... we got the news that her sickness has deterioated too such an extent that nobody is allowed to visit her any longer. Her mother is by her side, her father rushing up tp the capital to be with them during this extremely tough time....

In all honesty, it is not looking good, the cards are on the table and it's going to be heartbreaking at the end.....

My toughest task so far as a parent is going to be explaining to my daughter why her classmate had to "go'

How do you explain to her? Where do you start?

How can I say I can make it all better, knowing full well that I can't...

As an older adult we are still trying comprehend what this fekkin' life is about and now to try and tell a 13 year old..... I just don;t know.

It's been a torrid time of late for people that are from my small town, being a mining town, many have emigrated around the world...

A mere month ago, A person I knew from here, passed on from Cancer in the UK.

Two weeks ago, A five year old girl, also from here, but now residing in Canada, passed on from Cancer, LastBornMoose and her were 10 days apart, we are friends of the family..... this is taking strain on HO....

Two days ago, our community received the news of another old timer passing away from Cancer.....

At the moment , life sucks balls..... and I think I am going to have to take MiddleBornMoose into the desert tonight to look up at the endless bright stars and try to prepare her for what is about to happen.

Sometimes life just fecks you off, I think myself and the GAOTU are going to have quite a discussion when I take my turn to ascend to higher mansions......

 

[SauRoNZA]

I was so ready to come post a PS4 in this thread...and then I read the content.

Morty I don't think it's something you can really prepare them for and they'll need to learn how to cope with it for themselves. Personally I would avoid the fairy tales and I think sticking to the truth and being open and honest about it is the way to go.

 

[CL-West]

and I think I am going to have to take MiddleBornMoose into the desert tonight to look up at the endless bright stars and try to prepare her for what is about to happen.

This is really sad to hear

As Sauron stated and as you have said. I would also think that to be open and truthful in a gentle way will be the best. You might want to do it together as a family, it will show her support and might make it easier.

Stay strong Mr Moose.

 

[Progenix Oj101]

I was so ready to come post a PS4 in this thread...and then I read the content.

Morty I don't think it's something you can really prepare them for and they'll need to learn how to cope with it for themselves. Personally I would avoid the fairy tales and I think sticking to the truth and being open and honest about it is the way to go.

I came here to make a joke about Sony or Microsoft. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

I've lost family to cancer, it freaking sucks. Just be honest about what happened. If you're religious tell her it's part of [deity's] bigger plan which we don't fully understand, is now in a better place without suffering, etc. If not, explain that life isn't fair and any of us can go at any minute. It's a difficult one. Strength.

 

[Beachless]

Life is a tough place and unfortunately this is a lesson everyone has to learn just be honest and be there for them emotionally (moms are usually better at this).

I would lead the conversation a bit to give her a bit of time for the bad news so start with saying your friend has been sick a while and did her best and all the doctors tried everything dont just dump it on her thats a hard emotional switch going from happy go lucky to sad in one go.

Then hug/support her while she processes it and finally when she has calmed down ask her if she has any questions and that she can ask you anything.

But ultimately you and your wife know her the best and people react differently some want to be comforted and some want to be left alone to process things so you need to let her dictate how things go.

I'm sorry to hear about the sad news and all the best to everyone concerned.

 

[Ridolfc]

My niece was 13 when a classmate of hers committed suicide. It was really tough on her. But at this age they understand things better than you would expect. Thing is you have to have a conversation with your kid like an adult. As adults we don't have all the answers. We can only talk about our experiences and knowledge.

 

[Mike Hoxbig]

Kids are sometimes smarter than we give them credit for. At 13, I'm sure she's aware of what's happening...

 

[TehStranger]

I was so ready to come post a PS4 in this thread...and then I read the content.

Morty I don't think it's something you can really prepare them for and they'll need to learn how to cope with it for themselves. Personally I would avoid the fairy tales and I think sticking to the truth and being open and honest about it is the way to go.

This, word for word would be my post.

 

[OCP]

It's tough but be honoust with her - be there for her when she grieves and prepare for lots of questions (some will come over time)

She will thank you for it when she is older.

 

[Beachless]

Another thing be careful of taking her to a special place like under the stars as that will forever be linked to the bad news.
The safety of home is best IMO.

 

[MickeyD]

Yep, straight up and no fairy tales. No "up in the clouds" etc.

Maybe do some research on the type of cancer and explain how hard the friend fought against it, showing bravery and determination against almost impossible odds; fighting right until the end.

Good luck.

/been there. Brother, young nephew, father...

 

[Magandroid]

Kids are much more resilient than what we give them credit for. We as parents don't like to see our kids hurt or sad so we put much more pressure on ourselves thinking that they won't be able to handle these types of experiences. All you can do is explain to them what is happening, gently and openly, and be there for them. You'll be surprised at the end of the day they will probably give you more support than what they need from us as parents.

 

[D3nz]

I do not envy you this task Morty
Strength, courage and sympathy to you.

 

[Kilgore_Trout_Redux]

Cancer is a bastard. I know too many folks battling it at the moment.

My advice is that it is not possible to really console a 13 year old. By now they understand death.

Maybe you could console her by explaining how life is a fragile and fleeting affair which is why we need to make the most of the time we have.

Good luck.

 

[APoc184]

I think perhaps ask your child what he understands and his thoughts are on the whole situation.

Then just be straight forward with filling the gaps and still being compassionate.

I've been having the same thoughts about my cousin lately. She has been struggling with her autistic son who gets like 5 epileptic fits a day for 5 years now. He is in and out of the hospital on a weekly basis.

And just 2 weeks ago she found out that her 2 year old daughter has cancer. It is very aggressive and has already spread into the spine. They started her on a rather aggressive chemo last week.

So I have been thinking this whole time. How do you explain to such a small person what and why this is happening to her?

 

[Nerfherder]

Got a message from my wife this morning.

She has to tell some family that their kid has a brain tumour today.

Its this horrible news that you have to break.... you don't want to say it because then it becomes real.... reality is that whatever has happened has happened already.

 

[proxilin]

My best friend's mom died in a car accident when I was 12/13. At 13 you know full well what's going on and the implications of it all, so there will be no need to 'explain' anything to her. She'll realise it's terribly "unfair", and it'll probably shape her world view because it'll cause her to think about life and its meaning.

How to console her would depend on your own beliefs. Religion in this case softens the blow in that you can believe the person lives on in heaven, which is some consolation. If not, be truthful and admit that life doesn't always work out in the way that you believe it should, and one can't really know why. Death shows that you should make the most of your life and seize the day, because you do not know when things will end. Appreciate everyone you know and try and spend time with them.

I would personally explain what cancer it was, how they tried to fight it, what the doctors did. Tell her about how medicine is constantly getting better and you hope for the day they can cure cancer and other diseases. Tell her what other people believe happens after you die (heaven/reincarnation/return to stardust/live on in memories). Give her as much information as possible to help her make sense of it, and let her know she can ask questions. Above all, BE HONEST, you can admit if you don't have the answers. Let her know it's allright to be sad.

 

[Mortymoose]

Guys & Gals thanks for all your advice, "A" is still holding out, HO it seem's has jumped in and spoken in depth to MiddlebornMoose and reckon's I should hold back till after the "moment" , seem's my daughter has inherited her grandfather's deep Celtic beliefs and believes strongly in the afterlife..... above average intelligence is questioning in depth the lesson to be taken from all of this...... As Mike Hoxbig stated earlier , "Kids are sometimes smarter than we give them credit for. At 13, I'm sure she's aware of what's happening..."

Thanks again for your words, I know most of my time on this forum is usually spent in a rather jolly mode, taking the piss out of life and endless boozin' and braaing, but I am always impressed with the support of this online community....

sterkte!

 

[zll]

Yep, straight up and no fairy tales. No "up in the clouds" etc.

This. Reality is harsh and if you expect your kids to stand on their own when they are older then they need to understand that sometimes people die for absolutely no good reason.

Regarding consoling, depends on your kid. Some kids may need a good cry, some kids just like to talk things out, some just want to be left alone. Regardless just let your kid know if they need to talk that you're there.

 

[Mortymoose]

Well, awoke to the news that "A" passed away a few hours ago, MiddleMoose not at home as she left early this mornng with her sister to the School's sports day.
Ho has gone to school to break the news to her gently before the school informs the pupils....

MiddlebornMoose and I got to have oir chat 30 hours ago, frustrating for her.... She was still sms'ing "A" , but no longer getting any replies....

It's gonna be tough on "A" 's family and for the kids at school....... I guess after seeing the respose of the entire community for fundraising, it shall be tough on everyone....