How to spot commitment issues

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Magnarmalok

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So guys, I recently went through a break up, now at first I was devastated but after talking to the girl again in a normal way, I started to wonder if she hasn't maybe developed commitment issues, now I'll go into specifics later today but atm I just want to get this thread on the move.

I need to go out for awhile now, but later tonight, I'll post my reasoning behind why I think she may have these issues,

But for now, just some tips of what you guys could say to look out for in regards to checking if a person has these issues
 
she says no when you ask her to move in or if you propose
she is banging multiple guys
she refuses to look at pets with you
she calls you when she wants to see you
 
maybe she developed commitment issues because you guys dated for too long & you took your time proposing
or
maybe there was a 3rd party somewhere along the dating timeline & the trust is gone
 
tau1z said:
she is banging multiple guys
Click to expand...

LOL That's a sign all right!

Although.. I'm not accusing you of anything, but might it be that you have the problems? Did you ever write her poems 6 times a day? Stand outside her window with a boom box crying for her to love you? Call her 17 times an hour? Stare into her bedroom window in a stalker-like manner? Slit your wrists while listening to goth/emo music? Anything subtle like that?

What I mean is were you maybe a bit clingy? Again not accusing, just asking, since it happens a lot.
 
Right, so some basic info, on why I think she has these issues. When she was about 6, her parents went through a divorce (Dad met new girl at company) Then after the mom and dad had both moved on, the mom was dating a new guy. They married and later on, he (the stepdad) had an affair. This caused some rifts between the mother and him and ever since then it's been growing until now where its escalated by so much that they are on the very verge of divorce.

Now, also another thing. She's VERY protective over herself, she always had problems sharing with other people (problems wise) She always wanted it over first or very near to over before she confided in anyone else that there was a problem (even to me)
Ever since we've openly admitted the whole "I love you" saga to each other (took us /quite/ awhile) She's always been subconsciously calling me "liefie" (we're afrikaans) and always adding "love you" or some such, after messages.

But recently (very close to when the mother told her that she and stepdad are getting a divorce) she's had troubles saying those things, now if this is something you're used to hearing almost daily. You immediately notice its absence. So I tried goading her subtly into saying it (by saying it in key points in online conversations when we weren't together) now she either then completely ignored it and moved on, or she had to suddenly go.

Now then, after the break up, we both admitted we'll try to somehow be friends in a few weeks or a month or so (after all the raw emotions have settled) because we've basically also became eachothers best friends. I then told her that, in a few months (I was trying to be lighthearted) when she meets some new guy, she should tell me and not keep it a secret and then she answered, with a very cryptic "I don't think that will EVER happen to me" There was quite some emphasis on that ever...


So based upon this info, what do you guys think?
If you need any more info feel free to ask. I'll try to answer as much as possible.
 
Magnarmalok said:
Right, so some basic info, on why I think she has these issues. When she was about 6, her parents went through a divorce (Dad met new girl at company) Then after the mom and dad had both moved on, the mom was dating a new guy. They married and later on, he (the stepdad) had an affair. This caused some rifts between the mother and him and ever since then it's been growing until now where its escalated by so much that they are on the very verge of divorce.

Now, also another thing. She's VERY protective over herself, she always had problems sharing with other people (problems wise) She always wanted it over first or very near to over before she confided in anyone else that there was a problem (even to me)
Ever since we've openly admitted the whole "I love you" saga to each other (took us /quite/ awhile) She's always been subconsciously calling me "liefie" (we're afrikaans) and always adding "love you" or some such, after messages.

But recently (very close to when the mother told her that she and stepdad are getting a divorce) she's had troubles saying those things, now if this is something you're used to hearing almost daily. You immediately notice its absence. So I tried goading her subtly into saying it (by saying it in key points in online conversations when we weren't together) now she either then completely ignored it and moved on, or she had to suddenly go.

Now then, after the break up, we both admitted we'll try to somehow be friends in a few weeks or a month or so (after all the raw emotions have settled) because we've basically also became eachothers best friends. I then told her that, in a few months (I was trying to be lighthearted) when she meets some new guy, she should tell me and not keep it a secret and then she answered, with a very cryptic "I don't think that will EVER happen to me" There was quite some emphasis on that ever...


So based upon this info, what do you guys think?
If you need any more info feel free to ask. I'll try to answer as much as possible.
Click to expand...

It's likely she's depressed. Some people feel like throwing the towel in when like that - it's possible she feels that she's a bit of a bind for you with her issues. This bit of advice works in ANY relationship.... TALK. Ask her, be direct without putting her under pressure to respond in a particular way and LISTEN. Guys are poor listeners at the best of times, it's a skill we need to practice. Another bit of advice - be careful not to complicate things even more for her - i.e. let her say her say and dont push for what you want to hear.

Another bit of advice - take an interest in her cycle. Whether she wants you to know or not is a personal thing, but I'd say respectfully take an interest from a non sexual POV. Be sensitive to when she might be living in hormonal soup :)
It's a reality and she will behave differently when it hits - just remember it's nothing new or unique but you will benefit from knowing when to respectfully give her space or taker a mood swing with a pinch of salt and a bit of sympathy. Depending on your relationship, you may or may not be able to ask for this info or you might be better off going with your own intuition. Mark it down on your phone calendar perhaps :)
Unfortunately some males have made discussing this dificult with immature and inappropriate joking. It might take time to gain her trust and confidence in discussing it with you... as with anything, no rush if you're in it for the long haul.
 
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OK, sounds like it's not you after all...

How old is she? I ask because it's usually younger people that are affected badly by their parents' issues etc. For example if my parents got divorced now, I wouldn't be happy about it but it certainly won't affect my relationships in any way..

Have you actually had a proper talk, and did she tell you the real reason for the break-up? Koffie gave some good advice there I think.
 
there's more to her story than she's telling you...thats why i suggest you guys go for couple's therapy...assuming u still want her back
 
The_Mowgs said:
It was a joke fatty!
Click to expand...

I get that, just pointing out that it's OT and the OP is not likely interested in the humour considering the point of the thread. No big deal, nothing personal.
 
The unfortunate thing...it could be anything!

My ex/current/complicated girlfriend of 3 years stopped saying I love you one day and its because she met someone new, interesting etc. Of course I blamed her but on closer inspection, I realised I had become boring and predictable and there were a million reasons why she met the other guy.

Our relationship ended for a few months for any number of reasons:
  • I was boring
  • She was young
  • Committment issues (also from a divorced family)
  • I was too good at sex ;)
  • She graduated and found independence
  • I was pushy
  • She is naive and ignorant to other people motives
  • We didnt communicate issues as often as we should have

The list can go on forever...

What im trying to get at, I doubt its one thing. Take a close look at your relationship, has it become stale? Do you still really really love her? Do you treat each other the same as before?

I just expected my relationship to work because we were so good together and one day I realised that you actually need to work at it. Its like a second job...lol. Truth is, you need to communicate. Open the floor, create a safe environment and very softly and gently get her to open up. Express how important it is to communicate. If she feels threatened (like "ill kill you if its another man" which was my approach) she will never open up to you.

Anyways, good luck. Hope all is fine and she is going through a phase.
 
Listen man
Upfront and honestly I didn’t read you reasoning behind it
But I do recommend to stop putting so much effort and energy in to this
Im going through something probably very similar – and its best to just let it go not matter how much you think she is mrs right
 
Murdoc said:
Listen man
Upfront and honestly I didn’t read you reasoning behind it
But I do recommend to stop putting so much effort and energy in to this
Im going through something probably very similar – and its best to just let it go not matter how much you think she is mrs right
Click to expand...

At some point, yes, you need to let it go. Only the OP can decide when that is, but you still need to try make it work. Life isnt about just abandoning issues and people at the first sight of a problem.

Im in the same boat as both of you and I will try make it work...but yes, there comes a point where you need to realise that its done and dont become that clingy sniffly guy.

As an example, my sisters ex of 5 years is irritating the hell out of her. They took some time off where he started feeling sorry for himself and bombarding her with messages even though she asked him not. She is now starting to question his masculinity. Its a real turn off for her...

Give the girl space but maintain contact...
 
So a little update, We've managed to keep things civil and friendly between us, we've been frequently forced into working together now and then, we also share the same group of friends (we kind of adopted each other's) So avoidance is almost entirely impossible. I've been reading up alot on commitment phobia and the like and once we've managed to be friends without all these emotions raging about, I'll try to get some more concrete evidence of this phobia (I'm still completely convinced she has it, but a little more evidence has never hurt anyone.) Once I'm convinced of these issues, I'll try to subtly goad her into admitting it, or realising it. If this doesn't work after some time, then I might just have to tell her of my suspicions in the hopes that it'll work.

Now yes, I understand the fact that, if this gets to be too much work. I should leave it behind, but tbh. I just can't see myself abandoning her aswell. I've abandoned to many cases in my life where I could have helped people out of things, merely out of principles. This time, I'll just try to stick with it, but if I deem it in the future to be a lost cause...then I might just be forced to do so.

And back to my plan of action, yes I understand that there are dozens of ways of handling this. But to be fair, this is a very challenging subject. It all depends upon the individual, so there isn't one miracle cure, hopefully my way is the correct way, or atleast a step into it.
 
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