GreGorGy
BULLSFAN
How to use apostrophes - for Grammar Nazis (no, not Nazi's - [-]their[/-] [-]there[/-] they're something else)
(1) Acquire the following items:
-Superglue
-Thumbtack
(2) Apply a drop of the superglue the size of a matchstick's head to the flat side of the thumbtack.
(3) Now, holding the thumbtack by the pin stem, position it over the apostrophe key on your keyboard and let the glued side rest down on that key.
(4) Now press firmly for a minute so that the tack is permanently glued to the keyboard.
You should now get a sharp painful reminder every time you try to use an apostrophe. This will remind you to check the rules. What rules? These ones:
(1) Apostrophes are for possession and omission. They are not for plurals.
(2) The word ends in a vowel? Why didn't you say so? Of course you can use an apostrophe to make it a plural. Like piano's and banjo's. And even potato's. Potato's and Tomato's are responsible for the plural apostrophe being called the "grocer's plural". Stop using it - vowels do NOT require an apostrophe when making plurals. You really can play banjos and pianos while eating potatoes and tomatoes.
(3) But the vowel doppelgänger is in town. Is that nasty Y at the end of donkey scaring the living hell out of you? No problem - just add an apostrophe. We can have donkey's and monkey's and car key's because hell, without that apostrophe it wouldn't make sense. Donkeys? Monkeys? Car keys? What satanic incantations are these? Just lose the damn apostrophe.
(4) But the Y looks funny so an apostrophe must be used. Like nappy's. And guppy's. What is a guppy anyway? Some kind of fish - like a goldfish. Speaking of which, their young are called twits - which is what the apostrophe-using masses are in this instance. Go for nappies and guppies and get one with it.
(5) While we're dealing with twits, let's keep up with the Kardashian's. You know, it is a name so we must use an apostrophe. The president said so. Well, to be honest, neither the Kardashians nor the Mandelas are going to mind the apostrophe - you're just going to get the well-deserved thumbtack in your right index finger. I know Mandela was misleading because it ends in a vowel. Still, we don't need the apostrophe.
(6) But we're South African's - surely these rules don't apply? They do. And it doesn't matter what kind of cans we are, it is fully acceptable to OMIT THE DAMN THING when more than one of us is present. Americans. Asians. Europeans. Africans. No apostrophes.
(7) My PC's are all different. No, they're not. Just because a few capital letters happen to be in a row doesn't mean we get to use the apostrophe. PCs, DVDs and learning your ABCs are all correct. Now, what if I receive more than one SMS? You can either have two SMSes (like buses and boxes, we use an "es" to make a plural) or you can enjoy two SMSs (because the "s" is making a plural of the last word in SMS). You may not have two SMS's though.
(8) Ah, but Mac's are better than PCs so they can have an apostrophe. No, they can't. We can drink two Cokes with our super-sized Big Macs and not have to use that apostrophe key. On any brand name.
I could go on, but the simple rule of thumbtack is Don't Use Apostrophes.
(1) Acquire the following items:
-Superglue
-Thumbtack
(2) Apply a drop of the superglue the size of a matchstick's head to the flat side of the thumbtack.
(3) Now, holding the thumbtack by the pin stem, position it over the apostrophe key on your keyboard and let the glued side rest down on that key.
(4) Now press firmly for a minute so that the tack is permanently glued to the keyboard.
You should now get a sharp painful reminder every time you try to use an apostrophe. This will remind you to check the rules. What rules? These ones:
(1) Apostrophes are for possession and omission. They are not for plurals.
(2) The word ends in a vowel? Why didn't you say so? Of course you can use an apostrophe to make it a plural. Like piano's and banjo's. And even potato's. Potato's and Tomato's are responsible for the plural apostrophe being called the "grocer's plural". Stop using it - vowels do NOT require an apostrophe when making plurals. You really can play banjos and pianos while eating potatoes and tomatoes.
(3) But the vowel doppelgänger is in town. Is that nasty Y at the end of donkey scaring the living hell out of you? No problem - just add an apostrophe. We can have donkey's and monkey's and car key's because hell, without that apostrophe it wouldn't make sense. Donkeys? Monkeys? Car keys? What satanic incantations are these? Just lose the damn apostrophe.
(4) But the Y looks funny so an apostrophe must be used. Like nappy's. And guppy's. What is a guppy anyway? Some kind of fish - like a goldfish. Speaking of which, their young are called twits - which is what the apostrophe-using masses are in this instance. Go for nappies and guppies and get one with it.
(5) While we're dealing with twits, let's keep up with the Kardashian's. You know, it is a name so we must use an apostrophe. The president said so. Well, to be honest, neither the Kardashians nor the Mandelas are going to mind the apostrophe - you're just going to get the well-deserved thumbtack in your right index finger. I know Mandela was misleading because it ends in a vowel. Still, we don't need the apostrophe.
(6) But we're South African's - surely these rules don't apply? They do. And it doesn't matter what kind of cans we are, it is fully acceptable to OMIT THE DAMN THING when more than one of us is present. Americans. Asians. Europeans. Africans. No apostrophes.
(7) My PC's are all different. No, they're not. Just because a few capital letters happen to be in a row doesn't mean we get to use the apostrophe. PCs, DVDs and learning your ABCs are all correct. Now, what if I receive more than one SMS? You can either have two SMSes (like buses and boxes, we use an "es" to make a plural) or you can enjoy two SMSs (because the "s" is making a plural of the last word in SMS). You may not have two SMS's though.
(8) Ah, but Mac's are better than PCs so they can have an apostrophe. No, they can't. We can drink two Cokes with our super-sized Big Macs and not have to use that apostrophe key. On any brand name.
I could go on, but the simple rule of thumbtack is Don't Use Apostrophes.
