I'm scared of making a commitment

[bodhi]

is it normal or is it just that I haven't found the right person to share my life with ?

I admire people who take the ultimate risk in making a commitment. Don't get me wrong , there's nothing more I would like to have right now - a wonderful woman to share my (and her) life.

Love is what makes life worthwhile.

Only thing is , I am scared to find myself in another person - I could never life with myself should I break the heart of someone (will never do this intentionally) .

The movie Lost In Translation (my fav movie ever !) states that Everybody wants to be found. I don't know if I want to be found - because it's the quest looking for answers that defines me.

From a comment on the Lost In Translation trailer on Youtube :

beautiful movie - one of my all time favorites. I don't want to be found - being in a constant state of flux is what defines life for me. For others having a big house , relationships , children and material possessions is finding yourself in this society. For me I have to be lost - because if I find myself (through someone else) then I will not be true to myself. Sounds very depressing - but I love looking for answers that I will never really find - it's the never ending journey that I love.

Describes how I feel - and yet I yearn to find her - that special person out there who I will love

 

[wrathex]

Your fear is justified. Yet, somehow you will know when the time is right.

 

[DJ...]

is it normal or is it just that I haven't found the right person to share my life with ?

The latter - plain and simple...

 

[Dean]

My theory is as follows:

1)
Most people want to be accepted/loved, and as a result, without necessarily even realizing it, they get into relationships because it massages their ego. There's no way, in my opinion, that this feeling of wanting to be in a relationship can be disassociated with ones ego (or needing/wanting to boost it - for lack of a better term).

Using cheating as an example: The reason for cheating feeling/being so "bad", is that the person being cheated on has lost/deflated part of their ego. They are not all-important to their partner anymore. This egotistical need is no longer being fulfilled and therefore as we see with most cases, the relationship ends.

This also is why, over time, relationships often die out. The relationship becomes the norm, and naturally ones ego adapts. No longer is that other person capable of inflating the others ego, because its now used to that other person wanting them.., and will therefore go and seek out something "better". This doesn't necessarily mean they'll cheat, as it can manifest itself in various ways - cheating being the most obvious.

2)
Let's liken a romantic commitment at another kind of commitment - financial. When one requests a loan, the most important detail to the loaner, I imagine, is the borrower's income and income security (ie. the chances of the borrower being able, for whatever reason, to earn at least that amount for the requested loan period). Usually this is a contract of employment and employment history, degrees held, etc. which will all contribute to the maximum loan available to the loanee. If there isn't any sort of guarantee, within reason, that the income is secure, the loan amount will seriously decrease and possibly not be given at all.

This income can be likened to the love one feels for the other when making a romantic commitment such as the ones we're discussing.
As much as we love someone/something today, there's no conceivable way that we can know that we'll love them/it in the future - the "income security" isn't there. Those feelings are never in any way guaranteed.

3)
People change/evolve over time.. these kinds of life-long commitments seem like a good idea initially, as people are firmly in love in the beginning stages of a relationship.
Over time, the people in the relationship go through various changes (psychological and/or physical) which will naturally change who they are.
At this point, the person that one fell in love with is no more - at which point, they either stay together "for the sake of the kids" - being locked in a potentially destructive relationship... or they part ways, thus nullifying the original commitment.



Based on the three reasons above, making a life-long commitment seems not only scary, but blatantly unwise and unnatural.

Furthermore, I believe the only reason that making a long-term romantic commitment is seen as "normal" (instead of outright loony) is that its deeply entrenched in societal values stemming from religion, more broadly, family "values" and general external pressures (a nagging mom, for example).

 

[bleh69]

thanks dean. cough. i was waiting for the "but... this and this will make you live happy ever after.".... but alas..... and i completely agree with you.... the institution of marriage and the premise to have life partners is a relatively recent human invention. The Mayans, for example, considered the community paramount, and people getting funky every spring simply added to the strength and diversity of the community. kids where raised by everyone, and everyone worked together to achieve things.