Rogan josh curry with fluffy rice, carrot salad, poppadoms and flatbread
Tester: Tim Hayward
Time spent cooking: 10 mins prep/setup, 30 mins cooking
Time spent clearing up: 45 mins
Stress levels: 6/5
Tastiness: 0/5
Overall rating: 0/5 (but only if I can't use negative numbers)
I'll admit I cheated. I watched the Jamie programme right the way through first, worked out that it was a simple veg curry from a premade paste as performed daily in a thousand halls of residence – and then happily bet my editor I could knock it out in 25 mins.
With the oven pre-heated, kettle boiled, everything laid out in place in the kitchen and the laptop on the bench, I made a start and, within three minutes I was hopelessly in the weeds. It should have been obvious that the rhythms and timings of engaging television are not the same as those of a working kitchen. I've got above average knife skills but I couldn't get the onions and squash into the pan anywhere near as quickly as Jamie seemed to, even allowing time for his health and safety lecture on cutting with a knife. The helpful suggestion that 'you can always chuck it in the food processor' was made too late (besides which, I bloody resent spending 20 minutes cleaning it for the sake of a single damn onion and so, I bet, would any other home cook). By the time the spice paste went in I was catching up again but without the commercial break I'd have lost the plot entirely.
To be honest, the individual details of the ensuing debacle are just too depressing to relate. As the closing credits rolled, my kitchen looked like a crime scene. I had enough undercooked curry sludge to feed eight students with no sense of taste and iron stomachs. The rice was burned to the base of the pan, I'd had to skip the chapatis altogether (not juh-patties, Jamie), the pickle tasted like bath cleaner and the salad was reminiscent of something I'd once thrown up after a wedding buffet in 1978. I also owed my editor a fiver. It took just under 45 minutes to clean up the kitchen, after which time on a slow burner, the cauliflower in the rogan josh had become edible. Sadly everything else had liquefied.
Taking into account the amount of food waste, it would have been cheaper, greener, healthier and far more fulfilling to send out for a ruby or buy a Sainsbury's ready version. I have nothing but respect for Jamie and what he's trying to achieve in communicating to the public about cooking. But it's a shame that nobody seems to have bothered to work out what a completely awful experience it's going to be trying to recreate the recipes from this show at home.
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