Relationship problem

[Wezzy777]

Hi all,

I am Unable to talk to friends or family about my situation, I thought I would turn to this message board for a different perspective on my issue and also advice from everyone who are more likely to be more experienced than me at life and relationships.

To tell you a little about myself - I'm employed in the I.T industry at good company and 25 years of age. I Graduated less than a year ago, worked hard and without the help of my parents, bought myself my first car and property. A little under 3 years ago I began dating my current partner who is 4 years younger than me.

After what I would call 3 happy years together, we decided to take a step forward and move in together as it was convienient at the time and didnt really have another option. We have now been living together for 4 months and I'm beginning to realize that we made the move too soon. She is currently still studying and and has been for the duration of our entire relationship which means she has not been working and I have therefore been the sole financial provider for our relationship. As I always worked and held down a full time and stable job (even during my studies) I always had money and used to splash out on us a lot - taking us out to fancy dinners twice a week and experiencing different things in life together such as Snow Boarding, holidays abroad, Go Carting, to name but a few. I never got this from my partner as she never earnt, but at the time it was never an issue as I knew once she finished her studies and started working, we'd be okay.

Back to the situation - now that we're living together - our bills have gone considerably high and have no money left to treat us out, or go on dates. I feel like I'm constantly working long and hard hours, only to come home to cook, clean, dothelaundry... and all the other housework which only now and then does she help out. I sometimes feel almost jealous of my partner, who only has classes 3 days a week and the other 4 days - she does pretty much whatever she wants.

I am feeling a little fed up with the situation. My partner and I are arguing alot more and there is no passion or romance left in our relationship. I can't help but wish that I had a woman who could be able to contribute her share. I know I knew the situation before we took the step forward, but I made a bad decision logically which I am now regretting. I wish we had taken our time over things as I know I wouldn't be feeling as bad as I do right now. But currently I feel like I'm the only one doing everything for us and that us living together is taking more from me that it's giving.

Prior to living with me, my partner used to stay with her mom in Cape town and we did the long distance thing for about a year.

I really need some advice as to what I should do? I'm not a selfish person and I love my partner with all my heart. she is a wonderful, caring and committed woman - she is not at fault - we've just made a terrible mistake and moved in prematurely. I would really like to have our dating days back

Do you think it's possible to back-track successfully when you've come so far in a relationship?

What should I do? I am beyond lost.

Any and all comments would be greatly appreciated.

 

[requiem]

Tell her to pull her weight or **** off -

It isn't possible for the relationship to last - or remain healthy - if as you say everything is being given by you.

 

[Nick333]

First of all you shouldn't have moved in together. I guess that's pretty obvious. I'm guessing she's gone straight from a situation where she's not had too much responsibility except for being a student to one where she expects the same. You have made a mistake.

How to fix the mistake. Well, ideally she should have lived on her own for a while and learnt to take care of herself before moving in with someone who should not be responsible for looking after her. When you think about it, what are the options here? She moves out and goes back to mom, eventually moves out on her own and learns to look after herself or, she learns to take care of herself and pull her wait around the house. In fact since you're supporting her ass she should be doing a lot more.

Sit her down and talk to her and explain that her doing nothing around the house is quite clearly unacceptable. If she has a childish reaction and makes excuses she needs to gtfo.

It's a tough decision, but it's the only one, unless you want to put up with this situation and basically be her care taker for a long time. She really has to make the transition from being a spoilt child to a grown up if she wants to live as an adult.

 

[themba990]

Talk to her and ask her to help you you out with some of the housework stuff. Also, after she does help out make a point of showing some gratitude. Even though it's only fair that each of you does their share, saying thank you really goes a long way.

 

[hellfire]

You need to talk to her about it, but in a non-confrontational way.
Ask her to contribute more in terms of house work.
At the same time, recognize things that she does contribute (even really small things) such that you aren't perceived as ungrateful (women are very good at turning that around on you).

 

[USZA]

Firstly, you should speak to your partner about this; open and honest communication.

Secondly, and this is my opinion only, I think that you moved in too soon; not time-wise, but in term of being prepared. Finances are a reality of living together so it was unrealistic of you to think that it would work with you coming out for everything and her not holding a job; resentment was bound to set in sooner or later. Also, bound to that, are the shared duties; if she's not working or contributing financially, then she should at least contribute in effort by doing more of the housework.

With regards to personal space, you are not ready to share yours with her 24/7 and there is nothing wrong with this; you're just not ready. Those wonderful moments you spent in the past were moments when the two of you wanted to be together, not forced to spend time together because of a living arrangement.

And yes, you can backtrack, but there's no telling what the outcome of that situation will be; that depends very much on your partner. If you explain to her truthfully, she might understand.

 

[hellfire]

First of all you shouldn't have moved in together. I guess that's pretty obvious. I'm guessing she's gone straight from a situation where she's not had too much responsibility except for being a student to one where she expects the same. You have made a mistake.

How to fix the mistake. Well, ideally she should have lived on her own for a while and learnt to take care of herself before moving in with someone who should not be responsible for looking after her. When you think about it, what are the options here? She moves out and goes back to mom, eventually moves out on her own and learns to look after herself or, she learns to take care of herself and pull her wait around the house. In fact since you're supporting her ass she should be doing a lot more.

Sit her down and talk to her and explain that her doing nothing around the house is quite clearly unacceptable. If she has a childish reaction and makes excuses she needs to gtfo.

It's a tough decision, but it's the only one, unless you want to put up with this situation and basically be her care taker for a long time. She really has to make the transition from being a spoilt child to a grown up if she wants to live as an adult.

Waaaay too harsh... she's 21. That's barely an adult. She probably doesn't realise the effect of her actions (or inactions). Start off with an easy chat; not a 'do what I say or GTFO' chat

 

[hungrybeaver]

She should do all the housework and have supper for you when you get home. You should not be doing cleaning or laundry when you get home. She isn't contributing to the pie, yet she eats from it.

It sounds to me that she's never really lived with someone who hasn't supported her. You will need to have a serious talk with her about the responsibilities in the house. You work all day to pay for the house, food, bills etc, and she does nothing. You must give her an ultimatum - do the housework or find a job. Contribute somehow!!

 

[zamedic]

What you are going through is perfectly normal, life changes when you have to run a household and pay for expenses - your priorities shift and your life changes.

What the other people on this forum have suggested is correct, she needs to know how you feel. If you cannot be honest with your partner, well then its a doomed relationship. Relationships are built on being open and honest, you need a friendship before you can have a relationship.

One of the life lessons I have learnt is to not try and shield your partner from day to day life. She is young and has very little life experience and its up to you to introduce her to the realities of life. She needs to see where the money goes and how expensive things are. Include her in the duties of paying bills, I even suggest you sit with her to draw up a budget. Hopefully, when she notices how much you do for her and all the stress you are under she will realize that she needs to take some of the burden off your shoulders.

 

[akescpt]

u better sort it out before you explode and tell her to ..... off. if you dont u will start to resent her, your relationship, your job..basically life will suck. if she doesnt want to contribute, kick her back to cape town. but you are the enabler here so you need to make a change! man up, go home and lay down the law. you know like in the movies cos it doesnt happen with the government at home...

 

[Nick333]

Waaaay too harsh... she's 21. That's barely an adult. She probably doesn't realise the effect of her actions (or inactions). Start off with an easy chat; not a 'do what I say or GTFO' chat

Maybe, I don't think so personally. He's basically taken over the job of raising a child, I'm sorry to say. I suppose another perspective is that he has taken responsibility for her and just kicking her out is unfair. But, the fact remains that she might not be ready to grow up and he's either got to continue as her de facto parent or do something drastic. The fact that she doesn't see the need to do anything around the house at least hints that she might not be mature enough to see why she should. Having said that if she at least seems to understand his problem and starts making more of an effort it might be worth the effort. Just as long as he gradually pushes her towards doing her fair share, which is frankly all of it.

 

[Wezzy777]

Thanks for all the replies. I will be having a talk to her tonight to let her know how I feel. With regards to trying to get her to see how much I do for her she is just not intrested she doesnt want to be included in the finances I have tried countless times.

She also doesnt have a drivers license or a car and I have to drive her around everywhere and no matter how much I do for her its as if she doesnt even acknowledge that I do anything for her as if I should just be doing it because its my job.

Getting really fed up.

Anyways thanks for all the replies its much appreciated.

 

[Wezzy777]

You need to talk to her about it, but in a non-confrontational way.
Ask her to contribute more in terms of house work.
At the same time, recognize things that she does contribute (even really small things) such that you aren't perceived as ungrateful (women are very good at turning that around on you).

She is very good at making me seem as if I am ungrateful but the more I look at the situation the more I realise that she is the ungrateful one she is just good at turning it on me

 

[Budza]

She should do all the housework and have supper for you when you get home. You should not be doing cleaning or laundry when you get home. She isn't contributing to the pie, yet she eats from it.

It sounds to me that she's never really lived with someone who hasn't supported her. You will need to have a serious talk with her about the responsibilities in the house. You work all day to pay for the house, food, bills etc, and she does nothing. You must give her an ultimatum - do the housework or find a job. Contribute somehow!!

Damn. If she's 'working' 3 days a week, and you're still cooking and cleaning, you're being taken advantage of. To put it mildly...

 

[Toitjie]

I would like to say thanx for creating the thread,

Myself and the SO are looking for places to move out, and this is going to make some big conversation between us.

Not that My SO or I don't do anything, but apparently they say communication is best.

So we are going to discuss our expectations for when we move out

 

[Fuma]

Eish. I think she should move out and if she's 'the one', she'll understand and the relationship will survive.

As you said, you moved too quickly. You don't want to be happy for the rest of your lives, believe me.

 

[requiem]

Thanks for all the replies. I will be having a talk to her tonight to let her know how I feel. With regards to trying to get her to see how much I do for her she is just not intrested she doesnt want to be included in the finances I have tried countless times.

She also doesnt have a drivers license or a car and I have to drive her around everywhere and no matter how much I do for her its as if she doesnt even acknowledge that I do anything for her as if I should just be doing it because its my job.

Getting really fed up.

Anyways thanks for all the replies its much appreciated.

So you are playing the role of a parent, and she is your child, should make the relationship last very long

Seriously - My original advice stands, tell her to **** off.

 

[Wezzy777]

I would like to say thanx for creating the thread,

Myself and the SO are looking for places to move out, and this is going to make some big conversation between us.

Not that My SO or I don't do anything, but apparently they say communication is best.

So we are going to discuss our expectations for when we move out

Glad to have helped . I thought we were the perfect couple before we moved in together but now I realise it was the biggest mistake I could have made. All the best for you and your SO.

 

[blunomore]

She should do all the housework and have supper for you when you get home. You should not be doing cleaning or laundry when you get home. She isn't contributing to the pie, yet she eats from it.

It sounds to me that she's never really lived with someone who hasn't supported her. You will need to have a serious talk with her about the responsibilities in the house. You work all day to pay for the house, food, bills etc, and she does nothing. You must give her an ultimatum - do the housework or find a job. Contribute somehow!!

+1

 

[I.am.Sam]

Damn. If she's 'working' 3 days a week, and you're still cooking and cleaning, you're being taken advantage of. To put it mildly...

this right here

why cant she pull her weight since she is not supporting you financially

i mean thats what wives do if theres no maids or finance for maids

and you 25 ...theres so much to dates unless you cant afford it ...but dont lose that part ...try to even if its at home with movies and dinner