Setting boundaries with fragile people

[mooks]

My dad is not 100% mentally healthy but he's seeing a shrink and doing his thing (without much success). He doesn't work because he says he's too tired all the time etcetera.

More to the point! He takes care of my daughter during her school lunch breaks ( the kids come home for break times here ) so he has keys to my house and general free reign. Recently though he's started coming into my house when no one is home and doing what? I don't know. He also insists on taking minimooks to hockey even though the fields are right by my house and I allow her to cycle there by herself. Worse yet is that he participates in her hockey training! Minimooks is beside herself embarrassed but obviously too little and too scared to say anything. In another instance he started hanging around my moms house with her and her new boyfriend, even asking the new bf if they could exchange numbers in case my dad wanted to have a 'man chat' (direct quote)... These things may not seem problematic on their own but combined they're starting to creep us all out.

I used to be quite polite and subtle when trying to say no, but the whole thing of coming into my house for no reason while I'm at work was the last straw and I've become more direct. Problem is that it's made him even more fragile and needy and wallowing in self pity.

I don't know what to do. I can't stay ransom to his weakness and I don't want to be responsible or the reason for his unhappiness. He's still my dad and I get that he is probably really lonely, on top of everything else, but I'm at my wits end.

/agony aunt

 

[DJ...]

The guy is quite clearly looking for some attention, and that's not intended as a sleight against him. He clearly needs your help, not your judgement. Perhaps it's time you start talking to him, 'cos it sounds like you don't quite understand why he's doing certain things. Most of them sound fairly normal and are more than likely a generational issue.

Perhaps find a way to discuss this together with his psychologist if it is bothering you...?

 

[Mars]

I can only imagine what must be going through your dads head. Or what you're going through yourself. I'm guessing he is suffering from depression and a feeling of worthlessness among other things?
You need to give him a job. Perhaps he is fixing something small or cleaning when he comes to your house? There is no easy way to deal with this. Can you keep him busy somehow? Make him feel useful?

 

[mooks]

The guy is quite clearly looking for some attention, and that's not intended as a sleight against him. He clearly needs your help, not your judgement. Perhaps it's time you start talking to him, 'cos it sounds like you don't quite understand why he's doing certain things. Most of them sound fairly normal and are more than likely a generational issue.

Perhaps find a way to discuss this together with his psychologist if it is bothering you...?

I don't think we judge him and if my words sounded harsh I didn't intend them too. I have a lot of sympathy an empathy for him. He lost his job and his marriage in the same year and he hasn't really bounced back from that. I understand that he is trying to fill his life but he is doing it by invading other people's. It's more than a generational thing too. His lack of boundaries has alienated any friends he had here which has only exacerbated the situation. I tried talking to him but he got so miserable that I was scared he would try off himself.

I can only imagine what must be going through your dads head. Or what you're going through yourself. I'm guessing he is suffering from depression and a feeling of worthlessness among other things?
You need to give him a job. Perhaps he is fixing something small or cleaning when he comes to your house? There is no easy way to deal with this. Can you keep him busy somehow? Make him feel useful?

He is suffering from depression and all the feelings that go with it. We do try give him things to keep him involved but he always takes it too far. Like if I invite him for a day out, he'll over stay his welcome to a point where everyone is uncomfortable. My mom sometimes asks him to come help in her garden but then he'll come back every single day under the pretence of gardening but he's really just mooching around her house and her bf. My SO often works from home when he is in town and my dad will sit and try to have a social chitchat for hours. Every time these things happen, everyone gets unhappy because we're in the awkward place of having to say 'ok you need to go now because we have stuff to do' and he is at the receiving end of regularly being told to leave. He sends tons of msgs every day and then calls to ask why I haven't answered immediately. If I don't answer my phone he calls my work phone.

Maybe I should take DJ's advice and get his psych involved... Any other suggestions ?

 

[HavocXphere]

As DJ say - attention.

Give him attention and lots of it...but personally I'd try to shield the kid from it though. i.e. Get rid of the hockey & break thing and instead substitute you & him time - away from the house ideally. A hobby would help too.

Also - kids always come first. A decent dose of risk to the adult is acceptable, but you need to protect her from whatever this is.

Perhaps also drop a hint with the shrink that things are not improving...

 

[DJ...]

Before talking to the psych, ask your dad how he feels about it. He might flip out if he feels you've gone behind his back with something so personal.

Bring it up within the context that you'd like to be able to be a part of helping him through this, and you'd like to sit down together with his psychologist and him to develop a schedule of activities that would help...

 

[D3nz]

Get him involved in a senior citizen club. I'm sure you must have something like that there. They have weekly socials and they're always going on trips and holidays. It might keep him busy and he might feel better about himself if he has his own thing to do.

 

[DJ...]

Get him involved in a senior citizen club. I'm sure you must have something like that there. They have weekly socials and they're always going on trips and holidays. It might keep him busy and he might feel better about himself if he has his own thing to do.

Or he could feel as if he's being fobbed off. Perhaps part of his issue is him getting older, particularly alone. I think that there's a distinct lack of communication here, as you don't seem to know what's got him down. You need some way to open the channels of communication. If you've tried and failed then you need a new approach. Don't give up...

 

[mooks]

As DJ say - attention.

Give him attention and lots of it...but personally I'd try to shield the kid from it though. i.e. Get rid of the hockey & break thing and instead substitute you & him time - away from the house ideally. A hobby would help too.

Also - kids always come first. A decent dose of risk to the adult is acceptable, but you need to protect her from whatever this is.

Perhaps also drop a hint with the shrink that things are not improving...

I completely agree about shielding minimooks and I'm walking a very fine tight rope with the 2 of them. She is very close to him but is starting to become more conscious of his obsessive way of going about life. I guess it's as she gets older etc. Thing is that I can see, as a grown up, that his intensive involvement is inappropriate but she is still innocently enjoying being 'doted' on all the time. It's almost as though he won't acknowledge that she is growing up for fear of losing that one last unencumbered relationship in his life. If I try to lessen her exposure to him too much then a) she would be confused and b) I worry that he might feel like he's been used. I don't know how to approach this without leaving him feeling like he has exhausted his usefulness and now we don't need him anymore. I've already made alternate arrangements for her extramural stuff from September; I'm just worried that its going to mean he'll start pitching up at my house at night on the premise that he hasn't seen minimooks all day.