Should I cut ties with Friend

Polymathic

Polymathic

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I always hear from people that you should cut ties with loser friends. I have a long time friend from childhood who drifted apart after school and reconnected about 5 years ago as well a few other friends from my class, basically I left the group and returned after a few years.

We all are in our 30s, half the group are married me not being one of them, so this friend's life is falling apart he runs a pool repair, maintenance and building company, well over the years he gets less and less building contracts but since they he and his wife has a child who is 2 years now, it is got to the point where his wife used to berate him for not contributing financially to raise the child but according to him he pays the rent, lights and water as well as the petrol he drops his wife off at work so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was being unreasonable and maybe he was trying his hardest and the market for his business is diminishing

We met up with a few friends, talking about work etc, then mentions he and his business partner basically finish work around one and he and his business partner just kill time till 5pm until he has to pick up his wife, meanwhile his daughter finishes her daycare at around 2pm and his in-laws pick her up and look after her until her parents pick her up at 6 after work.

around this time his tyre burst on the road luckily no one was injured, I should point out he owns two 90s model Hondas both not in a very good condition claiming the wants to do these cars up and easily put in over 40K in these cars at least fixing issues and refuses to sell them for a more modern vehicle, I should point out they have had various problems with these vehicles.

So recently his wife went up and took the baby and went to her parents, so he came crying to us on the Whatsapp group and I confronted him on his life choices, so then everybody in that group comes after me for not being supportive in his time of need. To this point maybe this friendship is not worth the effort.
 
Correct. Supporting someone isn't helping someone. Sometimes the truth hurts.
 
His loserdom isn't affecting you though. It doesnt even sound like you're helping him. Should make no difference that you drop him or not unless you just don't want to be associated with a loser. Or you could offer his some actual advice rather than berating him.
 
Meh situation.

Group think unfortunately perpetuates the existing situation and by not conforming you effectively end up being excluded anyway.

As hard as the truth may be someone needs to just come out and say it. This person ends up being viewed as unsupportive/not part of the group most of the time. So what?

The question you need to ask yourself is if you want to conform simply to be part of the group.

We're of a similar age and due to being in similar situations a few times I have very few such groups that I "belong" to. I speak my mind when required and am supportive when the situation deserves it. It doesn't phase me though that I don't belong to the groups as I ended up with a few true friends. We may not see each other that often but even if years go by we just pick it up again and carry on, we aren't afraid to speak our minds and having honest soundboards is of a lot more value than groups of acquaintances.
 
Whats that saying dont kick a dog when its down. If u really was friends you should tell him when guys were laughing having beers. Move on, you wont feel bad or help the stupid bugger.
 
mmmig said:
So recently his wife went up and took the baby and went to her parents, so he came crying to us on the Whatsapp group and I confronted him on his life choices
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You picked a really kark moment to pile on the harsh truths mate.

Not at all surprised the rest of the group tried to shut you down & limit the immediate damage.
 
R13... said:
His loserdom isn't affecting you though. It doesnt even sound like you're helping him. Should make no difference that you drop him or not unless you just don't want to be associated with a loser. Or you could offer his some actual advice rather than berating him.
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We all been trying to give him advise for the past few months ever since he started complaining to us about his problems with the wife. He just seems set his ways. It's been 6 months of him not listening to what anybody advises him and then he comes crying to us about his wife confronting him.
 
I only have friends I discuss ideas with and do business with.

Everything else is just chit chat acquaintances
 
mmmig said:
I like this policy a lot maybe I should adopt it
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I try to compartmentalise this stuff. i.e. Discuss problematic situation of friend A with friend B...making sure they don't know each other & never will. Open discussion & free flowing thoughts without risk of blow-back.

saturnz said:
I only have friends I discuss ideas with and do business with.

Everything else is just chit chat acquaintances
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The first is business associates then later is acquaintance.
 
Ok, so you want to cut ties with this guy because he has two old Honda's and his wife left him.....ja, this guy sounds like a D00s.......not, I think I need a little more info to really understand your reasoning.????
 
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mmmig said:
So recently his wife went up and took the baby and went to her parents, so he came crying to us on the Whatsapp group and I confronted him on his life choices, so then everybody in that group comes after me for not being supportive in his time of need. To this point maybe this friendship is not worth the effort.
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Why did you opt to drop the truth bomb in the public group instead of privately?
 
I’ve come to this crossroads a couple of times in my life where a given belief or habit or decision by someone or even perception of someone in a group was fundamentally against my nature or logic and I would speak up about it.

Almost always leads to some fence sitters agreeing with me behind the scenes but won’t speak up themselves and then slowly being ostracised or just removing myself.

Each and every time a year or two down the line when I get an update of some kind what I suspected came to pass and the group disbanded anyway because of it.

So just go with your gut.
 
mmmig said:
So recently his wife went up and took the baby and went to her parents, so he came crying to us on the Whatsapp group and I confronted him on his life choices, so then everybody in that group comes after me for not being supportive in his time of need. To this point maybe this friendship is not worth the effort.
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You did this on a Whatsapp group. Maybe your friendship is not worth it. I would write you off if you do that to me.
 
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terencej said:
You did this on a Whatsapp group. Maybe your friendship is not worth it. I would write you off if you do that to me.
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Went back to the conversation on the group to see whether I was out of line the most confrontational thing I asked was "why do you think she did that" (taking the baby and running to her parents house), i did ask line of questioning trying him to make him realize why he is the predicament, what was expected of me by the group was to be sympathetic, sympathy won't help anybody in this situation.
 
Watsapp group, or written comms in general can't really be used for that type of coms. You can't read emotion etc. If you care, talk to him face to face, and make sure he knows that you may be giving tough advice because you like him, not the reverse. People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. And for me a friend offers both sympathy but also good advice, however the person has to be willing and ready to accept the advice first. Ask first if you is prepared for constructive criticism.

Proverbs 27:6: Faithful the wounds of a friend.

Anyways, good luck. We all have friends like that!
 
Dude, your friend is having a hard time. Listen to him, and give him advise. Don't kick him when he is down by saying "I told you so!". He probably just needs someone to listen to him and remain judgement free. A few words of encouragement go a long way.

If you don't care about him, just move along quietly.

He may be having a hard time at present. Remember that most people are fighting their own battles, and you should hope that you don't suffer the same fate. Work in SA is scarce and hard to come by. I am sure you wouldn't consider yourself a "loser", but remember you are only a few short pay cheques away from this status.
 
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