Solving self-esteem issues

saor said:
This guys books are basic in a way but sometimes we've arrived at adulthood having forgotten the basics.
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=aziz+gazipura&crid=1FDEZ2BAQ1FJA&sprefix=aziz+ga,aps,313&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_1_7

And this is one of my favourite books:
https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Real-Truth-Skills-Authentic/dp/0915811928/ref=sr_1_3?crid=36DN8WEF9MV6L&keywords=susan+campbell&qid=1674372292&sprefix=susan+camp,aps,295&sr=8-3

Self-esteem issues don't usually occur in the abstract. I was teased at school because of some aspect of my appearance. As an adult I can look in the mirror and see that I look fine, but those defence mechanisms I constructed as a child still persist. Part of what I found useful was reminding myself (or I guess those defence mechanism parts of myself) that a tiger sitting on a branch looking at the world is presumably not getting tripped up on its appearance - the wonky stripe on its leg or chipped tooth; its physical body is the apparatus through which it experiences the world and is as natural a part of nature as the peacocks tail or the wiggly bit under a chickens beak. To get tripped up on these things would be to pick a part of nature and find it lacking according some arbitrary metric. The tiger is free of such concerns, and so too should I.

When I'm ok with myself it's a lot easier to be comfortable with other people.
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The problem with a lot of these examples is that its not reality for most people. Using the above example we are not tigers who get to avoid reference to our flaws while lying alone on a tree branch telling ourselves it doesn't matter.

As humans we are often under pressure from others in a highly competitive environment and many of those competitors and usually us in return will use any flaw they perceive to break down a person so they can step over them. If someone was exposed to constant bullying about something that will stay with them for probably their whole life. The best thing IMO is coping strategies to deal with the issue and not to try and push it under the carpet.

To go back to the tiger example, that tiger lying on that branch is probably there to survey its territory. Protecting their territory is not a choice and has to be done with no doubt a lot of fighting to maintain it. The scars will no doubt be visible although hopefully healed.
 
StuckInSouthAfrica said:
I have been also been struggling with self-esteem issues. Sort of always felt that people look down at me. It's affected my ability to make long-term friends. It's easy to say 'ah, just don't worry what others think about you because no one actually cares', but trying to adopt that mindset is extremely difficult for me.

At work, I get anxious that I am not good enough and that I don't deserve to be there, like imposter syndrome. People can give me the best compliments but they always feel fake to me.

I exercise regularly, eat healthily, try to set goals and achieve them, but it hasn't helped me improve my self-esteem. The one thing I haven't tried was going to therapy, which I think I will finally do this year, because, in reference to that meme I saw, I don't think I have that many "it is what it is" left in me.
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Impostor syndrome is real :eek::eek:
 
StuckInSouthAfrica said:
I have been also been struggling with self-esteem issues. Sort of always felt that people look down at me. It's affected my ability to make long-term friends. It's easy to say 'ah, just don't worry what others think about you because no one actually cares', but trying to adopt that mindset is extremely difficult for me.
Click to expand...

Wow, I can totally relate to your situation.

These situations are almost always triggered by traumatic events and not just naturally happen.

I have made progress though still have a long way to go in terms of healing. The truth is that for most, complete healing is probably never possible though that is not to say that you cannot make significant progress.

Professional help can only help so much. In the end it is up to us to take measures to improve ourselves. There is no quick fix. Anything that sells a quick fix is a scam.

This might not be what many want to hear but what can help.

- More people than not are in your situation. It does not help to compare yourself to others as hard as it may be. Very few people are actually social butterflies. Social media has caused the top 1% of people in all industries to be over-represented and appear in higer numbers than they actually are.

Most of the time when people are not friendly, it is because of something happening in their life and not really a reflection of yourself.

- It can take many years to recover from, and even then, you may not fully recover totally.

- At the end of the day, try not to be too hard on yourself. Most people are average at most things. Even top people in sports and music have their own insecurities.

- In a way, not being able to connect with a lot of people can be an advantage. The downside of having a social butterfly life is that they also attract a lot of drama, toxicity and users.

A really good watch is the doc The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k by Mark Manson. It is based on his best-selling book. I just watched the documentary today.
 
B-1 said:
The problem with a lot of these examples is that its not reality for most people. Using the above example we are not tigers who get to avoid reference to our flaws while lying alone on a tree branch telling ourselves it doesn't matter.
Click to expand...
Yeah I wasn't prescribing a solution, merely sharing part of what helped me. I think it's possible to change perspective with a sufficiently robust narrative. For me the narrative that we're all natural creatures in the world helped me to detach from the arbitrariness of physical appearance; because I do believe we're all natural creatures of this world, the narrative makes sense to me and so I can slowly adopt it and begin more and more to see the world through that lens.
 
saor said:
Yeah I wasn't prescribing a solution, merely sharing part of what helped me. I think it's possible to change perspective with a sufficiently robust narrative. For me the narrative that we're all natural creatures in the world helped me to detach from the arbitrariness of physical appearance; because I do believe we're all natural creatures of this world, the narrative makes sense to me and so I can slowly adopt it and begin more and more to see the world through that lens.
Click to expand...
That makes sense, so it was a way for you to come to terms with your own skin and to be comfortable in it. Thanks for the clarification.
 
In my opinion,

Self esteem is an opinion on ones self that has been internally generated and developed over the years. Its long standing and therefore has to be unlearned just like any other learned behaviour that is deemed as detrimental to ones state. I would suggest have a go a therapy, and determine what, why and how it started. Self help books and vids and etc are a supplement to therapy and cannot be used as the main portion of it all (you can definitely use them all whilst definitely gaining an excellent perspective on your life and adapt their rules to match your life)

Yes, you can join a gym and dance classes and all that jazz and put yourself out there, however you need to turn INWARD and not seek to fix the outward first. Without even understanding oneself, the rest will only really give you a temporary boost in self.

To live a fulfilled life it is all encompassing, mind, body, emotional , and spiritual (no Spiritualism is not Religion)
 
Vengeful said:
In my opinion,

Self esteem is an opinion on ones self that has been internally generated and developed over the years. Its long standing and therefore has to be unlearned just like any other learned behaviour that is deemed as detrimental to ones state. I would suggest have a go a therapy, and determine what, why and how it started. Self help books and vids and etc are a supplement to therapy and cannot be used as the main portion of it all (you can definitely use them all whilst definitely gaining an excellent perspective on your life and adapt their rules to match your life)

Yes, you can join a gym and dance classes and all that jazz and put yourself out there, however you need to turn INWARD and not seek to fix the outward first. Without even understanding oneself, the rest will only really give you a temporary boost in self.

To live a fulfilled life it is all encompassing, mind, body, emotional , and spiritual (no Spiritualism is not Religion)
Click to expand...

I just wanted to chime in here from a personal point of view.

I've read and listened to self-help books and podcasts and the obvious thing that stands out is that they are generalised and aimed at a larger chunk of the population. Therapy on the other hand - with a good therapist that you connect with - will drill down into you, and not just say generalised things to catch us many people in their net. In order to sell as many books as possible and get as many listeners as possible for your podcast, you need to appeal to a broad target audience, and this means scraping the surface of the group and not digging into the individual.

The self-help books and podcasts can help you identify things, be the starting point for you to acknowledge the fact that you may have something to work on, but too often I found that I could not relate to some of the things that were being said or I lacked the tool in my life that they mentioned.
 
I totally went in exclusive books for another book this morning but they didn't have it (or online)and came across this. Not sure if it will help but I think I might need it20230831_095134.jpg20230831_095157.jpg
 
saor said:
Yeah I wasn't prescribing a solution, merely sharing part of what helped me. I think it's possible to change perspective with a sufficiently robust narrative. For me the narrative that we're all natural creatures in the world helped me to detach from the arbitrariness of physical appearance; because I do believe we're all natural creatures of this world, the narrative makes sense to me and so I can slowly adopt it and begin more and more to see the world through that lens.
Click to expand...
Are you from Cape Town perhaps :p
1693473792905.gif
 
Harold_Crick said:
I just wanted to chime in here from a personal point of view.

I've read and listened to self-help books and podcasts and the obvious thing that stands out is that they are generalised and aimed at a larger chunk of the population. Therapy on the other hand - with a good therapist that you connect with - will drill down into you, and not just say generalised things to catch us many people in their net. In order to sell as many books as possible and get as many listeners as possible for your podcast, you need to appeal to a broad target audience, and this means scraping the surface of the group and not digging into the individual.

The self-help books and podcasts can help you identify things, be the starting point for you to acknowledge the fact that you may have something to work on, but too often I found that I could not relate to some of the things that were being said or I lacked the tool in my life that they mentioned.
Click to expand...
It is worth it.Took my friend years to find the right psychiatrist/Psychologist (Bipolar). Certain people just work for individuals.

Edit: The change now is amazing
 
saor said:
This guys books are basic in a way but sometimes we've arrived at adulthood having forgotten the basics.
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=aziz+gazipura&crid=1FDEZ2BAQ1FJA&sprefix=aziz+ga,aps,313&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_1_7

And this is one of my favourite books:
https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Real-Truth-Skills-Authentic/dp/0915811928/ref=sr_1_3?crid=36DN8WEF9MV6L&keywords=susan+campbell&qid=1674372292&sprefix=susan+camp,aps,295&sr=8-3

Self-esteem issues don't usually occur in the abstract. I was teased at school because of some aspect of my appearance. As an adult I can look in the mirror and see that I look fine, but those defence mechanisms I constructed as a child still persist. Part of what I found useful was reminding myself (or I guess those defence mechanism parts of myself) that a tiger sitting on a branch looking at the world is presumably not getting tripped up on its appearance - the wonky stripe on its leg or chipped tooth; its physical body is the apparatus through which it experiences the world and is as natural a part of nature as the peacocks tail or the wiggly bit under a chickens beak. To get tripped up on these things would be to pick a part of nature and find it lacking according some arbitrary metric. The tiger is free of such concerns, and so too should I.

When I'm ok with myself it's a lot easier to be comfortable with other people.
Click to expand...
I am very sorry you went through this homie. Was this in primary or high school? I got teased for acne unfortunately.
 
Kornhub said:
I am very sorry you went through this homie. Was this in primary or high school? I got teased for acne unfortunately.
Click to expand...
Grade 5-7'ish. In retrospect it wasn't that bad, but I had a self-defense mechanism that went into overdrive trying to prevent me from going through the teasing again. So I became very quiet around people as it meant less attention on me and therefore less chance of seeing this part of me.

None of that was explicitly thought or planned, just subconsciously implemented. And so you go though a chunk of teenage life with defense mechanisms in place and they can become a part of your personality which then takes some effort to change. That kind of change for me is seldom just a snap of the fingers; it's more a process of over & over nudging yourself back onto a different path.
 
Well, everyone here is in the perfect place to practice not caring what others think of them.....
 
saor said:
Grade 5-7'ish. In retrospect it wasn't that bad, but I had a self-defense mechanism that went into overdrive trying to prevent me from going through the teasing again. So I became very quiet around people as it meant less attention on me and therefore less chance of seeing this part of me.

None of that was explicitly thought or planned, just subconsciously implemented. And so you go though a chunk of teenage life with defense mechanisms in place and they can become a part of your personality which then takes some effort to change. That kind of change for me is seldom just a snap of the fingers; it's more a process of over & over nudging yourself back onto a different path.
Click to expand...
Thank you for sharing. Where are we burying the bodies by the way?

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